Snuggle Your Oldest, Warrior Child

Last night my four year old son had nightmares. He usually has episodes where he's inconsolable (for about an hour) once or twice a month. It's not fun for anyone. It's REALLY not fun now that his bed is back in the same room as his six year old sister, so she got a front row seat...at 10:30pm...to all the tears, crying, and screaming.

I laid down with my son in his bed, trying to whisper to him about happy memories from our recent trip to Disneyland hoping that the good thoughts would push out the bad and he could go back to sleep...or at least calm down. We lay there cuddling as I ran my fingers through his ridiculously shaggy hair (he is also afraid of hair cuts).

That's when my daughter, from across the room said, "How come you don't do that to me?"

"Do what?" I responded.

"How come you never get in my bed, snuggle with me, or scratch my head?"

I panicked. It was true. I couldn't remember the last time I snuggled with her at night.

I quickly reminded her of that time she got the flu last year and I spent 2 nights sleeping on the floor in her room to be close to her so I could help her right away.

That appeased her enough to drop it because she did remember (thank goodness).

But that's when I really thought about all the times at bedtime that she asks me to snuggle with her in her bed and my response is "No, you need to go to sleep" right before I give her a hug and kiss and shut the door.

To be fair to me, I don't normally get into my son's bed either, but with baby number three on the way, we are trying to break them of the habit of getting into our bed since we plan on cosleeping with the baby and I can't have my 4 year old kicking the baby in the face all night long.

As I sat there next to my sons bed (because a toddler bed just doesn't work for a toddler and expectant mom) I got honest with myself: I would've never done that for my daughter unless she was seriously sick. Not even for nightmares. I would've...and I have...told her "You're fine, go back to bed" so I can get back to my solitary, hopefully uninterupted grown up time, which as a SAHM the last few years, only happens after kids are in bed. So I can have some moments of sanity.

You see, my daughter is a warrior princess. She is no damsel in distress. She doesn't usually pretend to be Snow White or Cinderella, she likes to be the wicked witch or step sister. She likes to feel powerful (we're working on the idea that she can be powerful and kind...like Elsa). She is the first to throw a punch in a fight with her brother and she doesn't agree with ANYTHING unless she truly believes it. There is no convincing her. These are all qualities that will serve extremely well later in her life, but they sure make her hard to parent now.

She is sassy. She is strong. She is exhausting. And by 7:05pm, nice mommy (if I was nice that day) checks out and mean/impatient mommy checks in. And it's usually because of some of her antics. I just want to be done with her and her argumentative nature at bedtime. And, so, I don't feel like snuggling. Honestly, I just want to be rid of her (of both my kids) for a few hours before I tear myself away from Netflix to go to bed and then wait for the inevitable night-time wakings.

But I've been so, so wrong. In that moment when she asked me, "Why don't you do that for me?" I realized it didn't matter why I didn't snuggle her. This phrase came to mind, "Sometimes the people who need the most love ask for it in the least loving ways." She doesn't know how hard she is on me, all she knows is that she wants...needs...snuggles from her mama. And, in fact, I realized it had been a long time since she asked me, knowing that I'd say no. The few times that I did "snuggle," I literally laid my head on her pillow and said, "I'll stay for one minute." She was so starved for that time she greedily accepted...but I was so obsessed with getting my own time, that I couldn't force myself to do any longer.

Not even if she begged. "I'm making her stronger," I'd tell myself. "She's fine."

Don't get me wrong, I hug her, I kiss her, I tend her owies, I sit her on my lap (or near my lap) and read to her every night, we make up songs together, we dance around, I help her with her homework, and try to let her help me in the kitchen. But I come from family where, to quote Malcolm in the Middle, "Feelings are the F word." We are not particularly tender, we do not say "I love you" when we get off the phone (unless it's to my biological father). I do not hug my siblings; in fact, at a recent family photo shoot, my sister and I were forced to touch. It was weird and awkward...and totally showed in the photo. We love each other, but we do not show or express it unless it's by making fun of each other. We suffer from what we like to call "emotional constipation." My mother loved us, nurtured us, read to us at night, but she also told us to suck it up a lot (she was also a nurse) and left us to cry ourselves to sleep sometimes (as any parent knows is necessary sometimes), and a lot of other things that are probably a result of her being raised by very British/Victorian-ish parents.

I think by the end of the day, this "emotional constipation" comes out and I have nothing left to give my oldest, hardest to parent child. I knew this upbringing and background effected my parenting style and most of it I'm ok with as I've tried to find a good balance of showing my children love with huggies and kissies, but also tried to teach them they can't have everything they want...but refusing bedtime snuggles because I was SO done and wanted to binge watch Vampire Diaries? No. I realized that is something I was doing that I am absolutely NOT ok with. And so, tonight, I will snuggle her. I will snuggle her so hard. I will not let her think there is something more important or somewhere else I'd rather be in those moments. I will not let her think her younger brother is more worthy snuggles during nightmares than she is. I forget, she is only 6 years old!

My daughter will be strong, she will be able to deal with hard things. But she will also know that her mother loved her enough to crawl into her bed and snuggle with her because she needed me.

But probably not every night.

Kids Ruin Everything...Even When They Aren't There

I'm going to be honest (aren't I always): yesterday was really hard. My kids weren't behaving, I was cranky from a bad night the night before, I was stressed, anxious, feeling emotional, etc. You know the kinds of days where you pretty much spend the whole time yelling at your kids? And then they lash out at each other and you? Which causes more yelling? And then that all leads to mom guilt.

Stresssss.

I had an appointment scheduled in the evening and even though I thought it should seem like a good idea to get out the house and kidless for a bit, I didn't even want to go to that. I just felt...icky. But I went to my chiropractor/massage appointment in the evening (treating a car accident I got in a couple months ago). I finally got to a place where I thought, "This is what I need, some alone time. A nice massage."

But it didn't go very well. Apparently, despite my smallish baby belly (18 weeks), I am now too big to lay on my tummy. After about 30 minutes, I informed the massage therapist I needed to go on my side because I started to feel a rush of blood to my head, light headed, and nauseated. She was very nice and accommodating and so she rubbed me down on my side. But during that time, my mind just kept racing (and I still wasn't feeling very well, which causes me great anxiety...especially while being butt naked in front of an acquaintance). I could NOT relax. I could not recover. After a few minutes on my side, she asked me what I'd like her to concentrate on next and I just asked to cut it short so I could leave. My anxiety, discomfort, stress, etc. was getting the best of me.

"Kids ruin everything. Vivi and Mac are not even with me and I still don't get to enjoy a massage. Kids ruin things when they're not even there! I NEEDED that massage and now I can't even have it. This sucks." My cranky, depressing thoughts went on. "I'm not even a good mom. I don't even really like being a mom, do I? People say the adore their kids. I don't even like mine" thinking of the crappy things they'd done earlier in the day. Over and over I just kept thinking about how much being a mom sucks while I turned up my gangster rap on the way home.

I snuck into the house while Doug distracted the kids and he left me alone to sob like I needed to (a good cry always makes me feel better).

Happy Ending Part: After a relatively good night's sleep (and as a result of Doug's prayers for me, I'm sure), today I have had that feeling of just being in love with my kids (it was totally unexpected to me, too). I've been loving and appreciating their quirks, the chipped teeth, their big eyes, paying extra attention to what they were telling me, being patient. Adoring them. It's been a GOOD day. Nothing special. Just one filled with love and appreciation for who they are and having them in my life; the laughs they give me, the hugs they give, their unwavering love, the unrestrained excitement when reunited in the Y child care room after my 30 minute workout, and appreciating the fact that my kids trust and me completely, which leads to Vivi telling me about the mean girl at school and some emotional outbursts about being asked to pick up dog poop.

Here's my point in sharing: you're not alone in whatever you feel as a mom of young kids. Ups and downs are name of the game. You don't have to adore your kids every moment of every day...and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. Sometimes I really dislike my kids (I always tell them "I love you, but I don't like what you did). Sometimes I don't like being a mom. Sometimes I let my mind wander and imagine what my life would be like if I never had kids. That usually happens during a crappy day so it revolves around being able to come and go as I please, having extra spending cash, going on more vacations, etc. But, if I was level-headed in that moment (which I'm usually not), I would realize everything I'd have missed: popcorn night on the couch, ridiculous stories out of the mouths of babes, stick figure pictures that say "I luv you," unashamed hand-holding, sweet breath of sleeping babes, snuggles, being the only one who can cure owies, that moment when they realize mom's kisses doesn't actual cure owies, all the milestones, and more.

So don't feel guilty. Just remember every day is a new day to try again and young children have pretty short memories when it comes to mom's screw ups.

And a good night's sleep does WONDERS for everyone :)