Kids Ruin Everything...Even When They Aren't There

I'm going to be honest (aren't I always): yesterday was really hard. My kids weren't behaving, I was cranky from a bad night the night before, I was stressed, anxious, feeling emotional, etc. You know the kinds of days where you pretty much spend the whole time yelling at your kids? And then they lash out at each other and you? Which causes more yelling? And then that all leads to mom guilt.

Stresssss.

I had an appointment scheduled in the evening and even though I thought it should seem like a good idea to get out the house and kidless for a bit, I didn't even want to go to that. I just felt...icky. But I went to my chiropractor/massage appointment in the evening (treating a car accident I got in a couple months ago). I finally got to a place where I thought, "This is what I need, some alone time. A nice massage."

But it didn't go very well. Apparently, despite my smallish baby belly (18 weeks), I am now too big to lay on my tummy. After about 30 minutes, I informed the massage therapist I needed to go on my side because I started to feel a rush of blood to my head, light headed, and nauseated. She was very nice and accommodating and so she rubbed me down on my side. But during that time, my mind just kept racing (and I still wasn't feeling very well, which causes me great anxiety...especially while being butt naked in front of an acquaintance). I could NOT relax. I could not recover. After a few minutes on my side, she asked me what I'd like her to concentrate on next and I just asked to cut it short so I could leave. My anxiety, discomfort, stress, etc. was getting the best of me.

"Kids ruin everything. Vivi and Mac are not even with me and I still don't get to enjoy a massage. Kids ruin things when they're not even there! I NEEDED that massage and now I can't even have it. This sucks." My cranky, depressing thoughts went on. "I'm not even a good mom. I don't even really like being a mom, do I? People say the adore their kids. I don't even like mine" thinking of the crappy things they'd done earlier in the day. Over and over I just kept thinking about how much being a mom sucks while I turned up my gangster rap on the way home.

I snuck into the house while Doug distracted the kids and he left me alone to sob like I needed to (a good cry always makes me feel better).

Happy Ending Part: After a relatively good night's sleep (and as a result of Doug's prayers for me, I'm sure), today I have had that feeling of just being in love with my kids (it was totally unexpected to me, too). I've been loving and appreciating their quirks, the chipped teeth, their big eyes, paying extra attention to what they were telling me, being patient. Adoring them. It's been a GOOD day. Nothing special. Just one filled with love and appreciation for who they are and having them in my life; the laughs they give me, the hugs they give, their unwavering love, the unrestrained excitement when reunited in the Y child care room after my 30 minute workout, and appreciating the fact that my kids trust and me completely, which leads to Vivi telling me about the mean girl at school and some emotional outbursts about being asked to pick up dog poop.

Here's my point in sharing: you're not alone in whatever you feel as a mom of young kids. Ups and downs are name of the game. You don't have to adore your kids every moment of every day...and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. Sometimes I really dislike my kids (I always tell them "I love you, but I don't like what you did). Sometimes I don't like being a mom. Sometimes I let my mind wander and imagine what my life would be like if I never had kids. That usually happens during a crappy day so it revolves around being able to come and go as I please, having extra spending cash, going on more vacations, etc. But, if I was level-headed in that moment (which I'm usually not), I would realize everything I'd have missed: popcorn night on the couch, ridiculous stories out of the mouths of babes, stick figure pictures that say "I luv you," unashamed hand-holding, sweet breath of sleeping babes, snuggles, being the only one who can cure owies, that moment when they realize mom's kisses doesn't actual cure owies, all the milestones, and more.

So don't feel guilty. Just remember every day is a new day to try again and young children have pretty short memories when it comes to mom's screw ups.

And a good night's sleep does WONDERS for everyone :)