Picking a Soul Mate: You Cannot Know, but One Does

Today is my 10 year anniversary. As if that is not cause enough for reflection, I am also pregnant with my third baby due later this spring. I have thought much about my life over the past 10 years and, while much has changed because of the addition of children, I wanted to express some things that I have realized about my selection of spouse that may be useful to others.

The biggest thing I realized was how I had no idea what a wonderful man and husband I landed. I knew I loved him, he loved me,  I knew he made me laugh, he challenged me, he supported me, he was thoughtful, and a hard worker. But, really, I had no idea. As I have gotten older and seen more men and marriages, I realize what I did not know then.

But really, there was no way I could've known.

I had no idea how sensitive he could be. How honest he was willing to be with me and himself, even when it wasn't pretty. How he would always continue to push himself to grow in the gospel and as a person. How considerate he would be when I struggled with miscarriage, pregnancy, parts of motherhood, being a working mother, and becoming a stay at home mother. I had no idea how supportive he'd be of my crazy ideas, but still question and challenge me in supportive ways that would make me think harder about them.

I did not realize 10 years ago how carefully he would consider my opinion or how he would listen to my opinions about things he really didn't care about (politics, etc) simply because they were important to me. I didn't know (only hoped) he would be a man who would constantly tell me how beautiful I was even when he knows I'll just roll my eyes. There was no way for me to know he would regularly text me during the day to tell me he got a whiff of overwhelming love and appreciation for me. I didn't know how important it would be that he would be willing to overlook a bit of sloppiness and my distaste for cleaning, but does so without comment (most of the time). I didn't know then how I would rely on his silent, supportive, strength during mood swings, anxiety attacks, and hormones.

While I assumed he'd be an amazing father, I had no idea 10 years ago how much I would love him for being the parent to wrestle and run around with the kids. I had no idea how engaged he would be in their academics, gospel learning, and doing so much to make sure they just turned out to be good people.

And that is my first point: There are so many things I could not have known about my husband and marriage 10 years ago, but One did: a loving Heavenly Father. As I realized this, I appreciated so much my child-like faith back then because, in fact, at the age of 20, I still was a child in so many ways. My husband and I dated for a year before our marriage. Longer than some, but definitely not as long as many. Certainly, there are signs of the kind of spouse a person will be, but they can be overlooked and, dare I say, people change for the better and worse. We go into marriage with hope, but we cannot know. But I know that my Heavenly Father did know EXACTLY what he was doing when He joined me with my husband. It has taken humility, faith, repentance, love, and work, but it all started when I prayed with child-like faith asking if this man should be the one I married for time and all eternity.

To be sure, this is not a knock on those who have failed marriages who also had gotten that same answer to their prayers. While the Lord can show us the way, men and women still have their agency and I only have the deepest love for those who have struggled.

The second thing I realized is that, while my husband is NOW my soul mate, 10 years ago when we got married, I would not have considered him my soulmate. Absolutely, I was madly in love with him. But love is not enough and he was not my soul mate then. The connection of our souls came not in the first or second year marriage even. Soul mates do not magically appear. We create that connection throughout the relationship...after you've been through "stuff." After you've had opportunity after opportunity to be raw, 100% honest, and emotionally/spiritually dependent on your spouse.

I am grateful for the challenges and opportunities that we faced together to make us soul mates. After 10 years our souls have intertwined and I can say, "Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."

Certainly, we have had our disagreements and I would say we even had a tense year or so in the middle. But our goal and commitment has always been the same. Barring serious sin and betrayal, we knew were going to stay in this marriage thing forever, for the long haul, so we found ways to make it work. We found ways to apologize, to forgive, to be humble, to serve, and to love.

And so that is what I have learned: there is no way we can truly know what kind of spouse or parent a person will be, but trust that the Lord does. Soulmates do not exist until we create them, so don't hold out for "the one."

You Cannot Be a "F*cking Lady"

I have seen them often. Mommy blogs about how they flip off their kids and their husbands and swear in front of their kids; how, when their toddler uses "hell" appropriately it brings a smile and sense of pride to them.

I was reading the comments of one of these "I swear in front of my kids and I'm proud of it" blogs (I don't know why as I fundamentally don't agree with it, but maybe I was waiting for something and needed to kill time), when one mother posted this comment "I'm a f*cking lady, and I cuss often..." and went on to explain how she just makes sure her kids don't say "sh*t" at grandma's house or at school.

There were a lot of "I'm a F*cking lady, too! And I'm raising my daughters to be f*cking ladies and swear!"

And, that, my fellow women, is where I draw a line in the sand. Let me clear, talk however you want to, teach your kids whatever words you want with pride (as long as they don't teach them to my kids). But, you cannot fundamentally be a "F*cking lady" and cuss often. If you describe yourself as a "f*cking lady," you are not, so stop pretending you can be.

Full disclosure: I don't swear often. Don't get me wrong, I do occasionally in extreme circumstances, but almost never when my kids or husband are around. Usually when I'm by myself or with a very close friend. Can you picture Maggie Smith from Downtown Abbey saying, "I'm a f*cking lady, gimme my tea b*tch"?

Yeah, I don't think so.

I have no credentials in the "lady" department, but I was raised by a pretty proper Canadian who was raised by some stereotypical tea-drinking, British parents. Sure grandma dropped an occasional "sh*t" when she was talking about the French...but she didn't swear like a sailor. And she certainly didn't declare herself a lady. I think it's kinda like declaring yourself a gangster. If you gotta tell people you're a gangster, you're not.

If you have to tell people you're a lady (even a f*cking lady), you're not. It is a level of decorum, not a declaration of what you'd like to think you are simply because you're female.

I'm not passing judgement; different strokes for different folks. Different kinds of people make the world colorful and fun. If you want to swear and teach your kids to do it, go for it. But let's not get it twisted and call things (or people) what they are not. And certainly don't pretend you are a lady or raising little ladies when you are raising them to cuss with veracity and regularity.

Even declaring to people you are a "f*cking lady" won't convince anyone you are. Be sure to pass that along to your daughters.