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| A photo I took of topped tulips. Sometimes I feel like that. |
I have...not easy children. I love them dearly. But they are both strong-willed, high-energy, one is really high strung, etc. We've been sick, we've had a couple disappointments, dad has been gone a lot, etc.
It was kind of a negative blog. Cathartic, but a downer.
I found myself pondering my rantings and I didn't like it. I thought, "Man, if I want something "more" why don't I just invest that time and energy into being a "more," better mom, homemaker, educator of my kids?" So last week I tried more. Just a little bit. I made a schedule of each day (one of my biggest struggles because each day is very different...yet very the same), planned ideas of things to do in case of "dull" moments so the whole day wouldn't be filled with tv (major source of guilt), etc and we had a more fulfilling week.
As I pondered this and other things, my mind turned to the idea of persistence. I turned to my scriptures but the word "persistence" does not really exist in them (that I could find).
However the word "endure" does. And that made me think of a talk by one of our LDS apostles all about "Enduring it Well". I was just enduring motherhood for the most part recently (sleepless nights, sick kids, misbehavior, etc). I can honestly say, I was not enduring it well. My whole focus for the last couple weeks about feeling unfulfilled was a testament of that. In fact, during a heated discussion, my husband pointed out "if something is a priority, you just make it happen" (what he was talking about wasn't kid-related). I got all riled up and told him, "Do you want to know what my priority is? Survival. I am in survival mode. Pretty much all the time. My priority is keeping our kids alive, fed, safe, whatever. THAT'S my priority. Survival." I was merely surviving as a mom...but yet I wanted something else. No wonder I was feeling so conflicted.
I was enduring. But, obviously, based on that conversation with my husband I was not enduring well. (We rolled over and went to sleep after that. After 10 years of marriage that is a tip I will give newlyweds every time: sometimes it's ok to go to sleep angry. Odds are you're both tired and cranky and won't remember what you're angry about in the morning.)
As I read my scriptures searching for more about "enduring well," I found this: "And it shall come to pass, that whoso...endureth to the end, behold, him will I hold guiltless before my Father at that day when I shall stand to judge the world." (3 Nephi 27:16)
GUILTLESS. That word jumped out to me. I had felt guilty about the things I wasn't doing as a mom that I felt I should. I felt guilty that I felt all I could do was survive as a mom. I felt guilty that I felt I wanted something in addition to "just" being a mom. And here it was in scripture saying that if I endured (and I'll add "endure well"), I would be held guiltless. I didn't need to be perfect. I didn't need to feel like motherhood was all I ever wanted.
In a way, I felt like my the Lord was validating my feelings while also saying, "Stay the course. I know how you feel."
I felt like He was saying, "I know what I've asked of you is hard. In fact, that's why I asked you to stay home. It's where you will learn the most. It's where your family needs you. I know it's not what you want necessarily. I know you want to do other things. I am not upset with you because you have those feelings. I know it's hard. I don't expect perfection, so do the best you can. Finish what we started, truly try your best, and everything will be just fine."
If the Lord will hold me guiltless, why shouldn't I hold me guiltless? I must try better at this...and if you're a mother like me, you must be, too.
And this one: "And blessed are they who shall seek to bring forth my Zion at that day, for they shall have the gift and the power of the Holy Ghost; and if they endure unto the end they shall be lifted up..." (2 Nephi 13: 37)
Lifted up. That's what I need. I needed to be lifted. And in order to do that, I need to endure and endure it well. I need to not just survive this time (endure), but change my attitude and put more into it. Even if it's just scheduling our days better. Even if it's just being prepared with go-to indoor activities. Even if it's letting my desire to redo my bathroom go for a little while so I can sit and read to my son. I know these seems trivial, but for me as someone who can't sit still, who always feels like I need to be doing something productive (ie with visible/tangible results), it's a challenge.
In raising my children in the gospel, am I not seeking to bring forth Zion? Of course. And as I continue to do that, this scripture told me I am entitled to the gift and power of the Holy Ghost. So as much as I feel like I'm alone doing this (I am during the day...and evening...and sometimes night) while my husband is at work, etc. I have been reassured that I am raising up Zion and, so, am not alone.
I will endure this season in my life, but also try to endure it well. I know that every day doesn't have to be perfect (my kids are watching tv as I write this), but as long as I TRY, I will have the Holy Ghost with me, will be lifted up, and will be held guiltless.
So can you.
Whether you are of my faith or not, I hope you feel the truth in this. Get rid of the guilt (the Lord has) and find just one way to not just endure, but endure better. Not perfectly, not even successfully, but try.
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