When I Have Nothing Left to Give...

We have had a rough few days.

Last week Vivi got sick. Nothing major. Low-grade fever, just feeling icky. But at night time she would wake up inconsolable. First it was because she wasn't feeling well, then it was because of bad dreams. She was waking up crying 5-6 times per night. That lasted 3-4 nights.

And then, as sickness do, it jumped to Malcom. He woke up a couple times feeling like he needed to vomit, but couldn't. Then his ear hurt. Then he wanted water. All kinds of tears. During the day, he just felt kind of icky with a low grade fever, etc.

But at night time. Ohhhhh, nighttime. He was waking up screaming and crying. Snakes were biting his eyes. Something was tearing him to pieces. Nightmares everywhere. Sometimes he woke up not feeling well, but it mostly seemed to be night terrors. Waking up multiple times a night just crying inconsolably for a while.

We have done this for 4 nights now with Malcom after not quite recovering with Vivi. Gradually it has gotten a little better, but it's slowly killing me. Seriously. They have never been good sleepers, so I'm used to getting woken up a couple times a night, but this is a whole new level.

Last night I gave both kids Benadryl before bed (don't judge me). An hour later Vivi got up and was crying. Internally, I was screaming "What the heck?! You aren't even sick! You're supposed to be the ok one!" But I let her crawl and snuggle on my lap while I read my book. She whimpered, twitched, and cried out a couple times. After about ten minutes of this, Malcom started crying in his bed.

"Oh dear God," I thought. "Please no. I can't do this anymore. And it's only 8pm."

Did I mention my husband was out of town? And when he is in town I rarely see him anyway? Moving on...

I carried Vivi to her bed and then sat down next Malcom crying (still kinda sleeping) in his bed. I tried to wake him up so he knew he was safe and that mommy was right there (he kept saying "I want Mommy!" with his eyes closed). He quieted down an I just sat on the edge of his bed, crying. Not daring to move in case he were to wake up.

I sat there and cried and thought, "I have nothing left to give these kids. I am empty."

And it was true. I had no compassion. No tenderness. Nothing left to give these kids except "Shhhh. You're fine," and my pleas to stay in bed and stay sleeping.

I had nothing left to give.

As I thought about this, I didn't feel upset at myself. I couldn't. I was empty. I couldn't even feel like I was a terrible mom. At that point, I was just a shell.

I had nothing left to give.

And then the thought occurred to me, "Lord, I have nothing left to give these kids. So I'm giving them to you. They will not feel love and tenderness from me right now when they call out, so I'm going to hand that over to you right now. I need you to fill them with your love because, right now, I've got nothing."

Then I got up and walked out of their room and stuffed my face with some amazing homemade hot chocolate that a friend dropped off for me because she knew I was having a tough few days.

I'd like to say they both stayed in their beds and slept through the night, but they didn't. Malcom woke up a couple hours later crying inconsolably for a few minutes while I held him and kept watching my shows. Eventually he snapped out of it and I let him watch my shows with me, eat a couple of my Starburst jelly beans, and then crawl into bed with me.

As Malcom lay in my bed, though, he also let me hold his hand. In that moment, I felt the love return. I felt a little bit of patience return.

So here's the point of all this: Moms, if you feel like you have nothing left to give, you're not alone. You're not a bad mom. You don't not love your children (how's that for a loaded double negative). As moms, our job description is to pour into everyone else. And sometimes when we don't get a chance to be poured into because of lack of sleep, lack of time, lack of a spouse/partner around, etc. we hit empty. It happens.

I am blessed with friends who have been very honest with me about the good and bad times of parenting. I appreciate it when other moms say "This sucks. Imma 'bout to lose my ish." Because it makes me feel like I'm not so weird. Like I'm not some horrible mom and everyone else is just better at dealing with the hard times.

And so I share this: sometimes I have nothing left to give. I literally don't even want to be around my kids.

And that's ok. Because, in sum, they know I love them. They know I'm here for them.

But sometimes mommy just needs to eat chocolate and watch her shows alone.