Well, not exactly. Bad things happen to good people. This we know.
But what about when we follow direct inspiration to do something the Lord wants us to do? After we make the (sometimes) difficult decision to do what the Lord wants and not necessarily what we want, shouldn't the "hard" end?
Obviously not. The scriptures and Church history are littered with prophets and apostles who, following the Lord's direction, were led directly into hardships, illness, and even death. Joseph Smith. The pioneers. Abinidai. And so on. Each doing what the Lord asked them to do...and it didn't get easier from there.
I've pondered this the last couple weeks as I've struggled with something so very personal. It is so personal that, even as outspoken as I can be, I've hesitated to even say it out loud for fear of offending someone or hurting their feelings because that is certainly not my intent. But as I was discussing this with a couple dear friends, I realized hard is hard. Your hard may be different from my hard, but it is still MY trial and challenge and everything that comes with it. And I also realized that I am far from the only one who has ever dealt with these not-often talked about feelings.
It deals with pregnancy and I know there are many who struggle with fertility and so this would be my "trigger alert" to not continue reading if it may upset you. I sympathize with that trial and challenge, my heart aches for those who long to have children or more children. That is a difficult challenge. However, that is not a challenge the Lord has given to me in this life and the one in this blog is actually the opposite.
For more than a year, my husband had mentioned that he felt like we should have another baby. I completely wrote him off. "Nope. I'm happy with the two we have. They're out of diapers, they play together, I don't miss getting up every 3 hours. Nope." He never pushed it but would occasionally drop the "I feel like there's one more up there for our family."
I wouldn't even consider it. I wouldn't even PRAY about it because I didn't want the answer. You see, I knew my husband was inspired because we had both talked about how we were both done with two kids. I knew HE didn't really want another child (like I didn't), but he knew the Lord wanted us to have one. And for more than a year I just said "Nope. Not even gonna pray about it. I'm not there yet." Knowing exactly what pregnancy and babies entail.
Finally, I came around to praying about it. Yes, I knew it was the what the Lord wanted. I wasn't excited, but I agreed to be obedient knowing that the Lord knew more about what He wanted me to be and what was best for our family. I trusted Him, but I was not excited. Three months later I was pregnant.
And SICK. My morning sickness kicked in the day we left for a 2-3 day trip up to Canada. Well, it was a work trip for my husband, which means I got 2 days of entertaining the kids by myself in an unknown city and hotel room...while barely being functional. My kids basically missed the last half of summer because I was laid up in bed with my crackers and Sprite. A trip through Costco had me eyeing each garbage can in case I needed to unload into it; those darn sample smells made my upper lip sweat. I refused to grocery shop for the next 2 months.
That alone, made it hard to be excited for this pregnancy. We told our kids pretty early, so they wouldn't think mommy was avoiding them as I spent most of my day in bed. Them being excited about the baby was the best thing about it for a looong time.
As time past, the severity of my sickness went away, but it was replaced by...just feeling like garbage. I'd get about two good hours out of the day, but the rest of the time, I didn't have energy to do much, didn't want to go anywhere, do anything, etc. The worst part was I never knew when it would kick in so I had great anxiety about going out anywhere. I read labor and delivery articles and I was like "Holy cow, I can't believe I'm doing that again. Whyeeee?" I thought about how this baby would be 4.5 years younger than Malcom, almost too far apart to be playmate. I got overwhelmed by the idea of trying to do everything I'm currently doing (including a new job I started the WEEK I found out I was pregnant)...plus keeping a baby alive and well.
During this time I got into a semi-serious car accident (not my fault). Our house got broken into. AND I had to get rid of my beloved dog as a direct result of this impending bundle of joy. I felt like my life was a country song. I was a bit angry, if not resentful.
And when you feel crappy, it's easy to stop praying and reading. Uplifting stuff just became...annoying. I was just annoyed. By everything.
"I was obedient, Lord. What gives? Why do I feel so awful about everything?"
I felt guilty, too. I knew there were thousands of women who would give anything to be in my place and so I felt guilty about not being excited. I know what a wonderful blessing children are, what a wonderful gift it is to be able to carry my own child. But I'd done it twice and I didn't want to do it again. Selfishly, it wasn't what I wanted (as wonderful as it is) and so I had trouble being grateful and excited when I knew I should be. Which led, honestly, to immense guilt, anxiety, stress, and some darkness.
People would say "Just look forward to the end result, holding that baby in your arms." And perhaps because it'd been so long since I've held my own babies, that just didn't work. I was worried I wouldn't feel that love for this baby that I knew I should because I wasn't excited now. I felt ungrateful. I felt guilty. But I had been obedient!
As I talked about these deep feelings with a friend, she said she had felt the same way during one of her pregnancies because she was SO sick for so long. As we talked more, I remembered that the Lord gives us things in life that turn us into the people He wants us to be. This pregnancy, this baby, THESE feelings were my challenge. My trial. While it wouldn't be for someone else, He knows me better than anyone and He knows this is what I need...for reasons I don't understand yet.
I expected immediate excitement and expected the Lord to make me feel happy...simply because I had been obedient. As I pondered the people who had immense challenges following their obedience, my mind traced back to the Savior. I was literally sacrificing my body for this child, He sacrificed His for all of us. I was giving up my life (again) for another person...this child that would require ALL of me. He gave up his life for all of us. And, perhaps, because I was doing it because it's what my Father wanted (and not what I wanted), it made the choice even more Christlike.
By doing this thing as He inspired, as hard as it is for me, I am becoming more Christlike...and with that a small piece of the Lord's plan for me was unveiled.
Had anyone suffered more than the Savior because He followed the will of our Father in Heaven? No. "Art thou greater than He?" No. But the thing that gave me the most hope, the thing that made me turn the corner was this realization: even Jesus asked that this trial be taken away. In the garden of Gesthemane, He prayed to His father: "Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless, not what I will, but what thou wilt." -Mark 14:36.
Even the Savior struggled through his obedience at one point. That realization took my guilt away. It's ok to struggle through obedience. Even Christ had said basically, "I don't really want to do this, but if you want me to, I will."
I talked to some wonderful mothers who are friends of mine and several admitted to panicking a bit during pregnancy. Not sure if they could do it again. Not sure if would be a good thing. And every single one of them said, "I'm so glad we added that child to our family. What a blessing he/she has been." One friend, who had bigger challenges in pregnancy and family life than me, said, "I don't have any advice for you during pregnancy. I never resented pregnancy until this one. But as soon as they placed her in my arms, I loved her. That rush of love hormones come over me and hasn't gone away."
After realizing that I don't need to feel guilty for my feelings, that my Savior understands EXACTLY what I felt about being obedient (even if a bit reluctantly), my burdens have been lifted. I have been able to embrace feeling crappy without resentment. I have been able to be HAPPY. I have been able to enjoy it. Don't get me wrong, I know the sweet little pokes and prods within me will soon turn to painful jabs into my lungs and labor is never fun, but I no longer worry about not feeling that rush of love when this child arrives in my arms. I know I will. I know he will be an immense blessing of which I cannot even comprehend. I am grateful. Which is something I could not have said even a couple weeks ago.
And with that, another piece of the Lord's plan for me was revealed.
I started reading M. Russell Ballard's "Daughters of God" and while I couldn't bring myself to read about pregnancy and motherhood, I read the chapter on womanhood. He talks about the value women have to the Lord and his kingdom. Elder Ballard says this:
"If you are wondering if you make a difference to the Lord, imagine the effect when you make such commitments as the following:
"If you need a woman to make a house a home filled with love, Here am I, send me.
"If you need a woman who will shun vulgarity and dress modestly and speak with dignity and show the world how joyous it is to keep the commandments, Here am I, send me.
"If you need a woman who can resist the alluring temptations of the world by keeping her eyes fixed on eternity, Here am I, send me."
That profoundly touched me. By working through my feelings, not letting guilt hold me back, and looking to the Savior, I realized I had said (by being obedient), "Here am I, send me." Furthermore, I realized that by trying work through what I was feeling, I FELT "Here am I, send me."
Just trust. Be obedient even when you don't understand, even when you don't want to. But don't just trust and be obedient in misery as I was for so many weeks. Struggle, work. Try to understand. Talk to trusted friends, study it out. As you do this, perhaps pieces of the Lord's plan will be revealed to you. Or, perhaps, just peace.
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