Exclusion or Protection? LDS Baptism Policy is About Protection

Last week one of the most trending topics online was when the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints "announced" (because it didn't really announce it) that those individuals in a gay marriage would be classified as apostate and children of gay couples would not be allowed to be blessed as infants or baptized into the LDS church.

My initial reaction was similar to that of many in and outside the church, I'm sure. "That seems awfully harsh," I thought. "Why would the church deny those blessings/ordinances just to children of gay couples? That really does not feel right."

But, as I've learned (thankfully) in my 30 years, it is often best to reserve outrage and look beyond the soundbites; to wait for information on both/all sides to become available (see what a 4-year degree in journalism can get you?). In this blog I'm trying not to repeat what I've read elsewhere, but a list of articles that helped me come to this conclusion is near the end.

During this time of information gathering I noticed a couple things:
1) Most of the people who were the most outraged were no longer members, had never been members, and/or openly disliked religion of any kind already. But as soon as this story became available they felt they had the background and enough knowledge to condemn the policy. It doesn't mean they have can't have opinion, but when I responded calmly with some perspective, they never responded back. Most people aren't interested in both sides...they are interested in their side. They never post about the amazing things the Church does (humanitarian aid, etc)...just what they see as the amazingly offensive ones. Not only that, these are people who wouldn't want anyone to join the church anyway...but now they're personally offended when the church imposes obstacles to be baptized on a certain group of people? The alternative of policies like this is that we let any child or person get baptized no matter their circumstances because we don't care about their well-being or growth, we just want butts in the seats. Which would also outrage these individuals. But I digress...

I counted only a couple active LDS Facebook friends I have who expressed disgust (or any other range of negative emotions) about this story. Do I condemn them for these? Absolutely not. It is a difficult, emotionally charged issue. However, I give more credence to them than people who have no idea what they're talking about and wish them well on their personal journey of grappling with this complicated issue and what it means to them.

2) Most people, even members, had very little experience or knowledge of the policy before this clarification came to light. Including myself. How did I learn of my ignorance? Someone pointed out to me that it's not just children of gay parents who cannot be baptized, children of polygamists cannot be baptized either and that had been the policy for many, many years.

I had no idea and realized I needed to put more thought into this.

So what me brought me around from my initial outrage to unequivocal support of this policy? Understanding of the policy before it's famous clarification, a bit of knowledge about human nature/behavior, lots of reading, and the willingness to be open to hear what others had to say (and allow myself to be persuaded).

Let me start with what it turned out I had it WRONG. I thought this was a new policy. I knew that Israelites (ie citizens of the state of Israel) could not be baptized even as adults. I also knew that children could not be baptized without consent of both parents. I knew adults involved in polygamous relationships were considered apostate. That was the extent of my knowledge. So I thought "It seems extremely odd that any gay couple would want their child baptized, but why not? Why should the church take away that option just from just that demographic? That really DOES seem like discrimination."

Here's where some research and understanding came into play: this is not a NEW policy. This is an expanded policy. This policy has also been in place for many years for polygamists. Polygamist parents are classified as apostate and their children are not allowed to be blessed as infants (thus entering their names into the records of the church...it is NOT a saving ordinance as some outside the church may think) or baptized when they are 8. I did not know that.

The reason for this policy for polygamist families is the same for families with gay parents: it is to protect the child/family from conflict within the home. It is to prevent the child from having the excruciating decision between what the church teaches about what we believe and how their parents have chosen to build their family and live their lives.

With this knowledge I realized this policy is not discriminatory, exclusionary, or inconsistent. You want to know who was inconsistent? All the people who NEVER complained about this policy when it just applied to polygamists but got extremely upset when it applied to children of gay couples. Where was the outrage for them? No one ever worried about their kids being excluded? I wonder why...

Let's talk about exclusion for a minute. I have been a member of the LDS Church my whole life. Raised in one of the most liberal parts of the country; I was literally one of about 5 kids in my grade up through high school who was a member. I went to a non-LDS university. I KNOW what it's like to feel excluded. I know what it's like not to be invited to/go to parties because I don't drink. I KNOW what it's like to be a victim of an overt hate-crime (as in "Go back to Utah" was carved on almost every door on the floor of the dorm of which I was the RA because I busted someone for being stupid and drinking alcohol openly underage).True it wasn't written out by an institution, but I don't think that makes a difference as a child.  But you know what? I survived. I learned to celebrate who I was. It forced me to really make sure this is how I wanted to live my life, it forced my testimony to grow.

One reason some people, mostly from people within the church, are upset is a perceived inconsistency. They point out that children of non-member parents, parents who may smoke, and break any other number of "rules" are still allowed to get baptized. Even after I accepted this policy as the right thing to do for gay couples and their children, I pondered this. That DID seem a bit inconsistent, which bothered me (in all aspects of life, actually).

Then, like a bucket of cold water (because I was in the shower, which is where all my good thinking is done), it hit me as far as what the difference between gay/polygamist couples and other parents "living in the sin" (I really hate that term because we all are, but it's the one I saw the most): those living in the openly gay relationships/marriages wouldn't (probably) ever renounce their lifestyle, which would be required to become a member of the church. This is the gospel according to Vanessa, so I could be wrong, but it makes sense to me. If you are so committed to a lifestyle that you literally marry it and/or bring children into it, it's not just a fad. It's who you are (as the community would support) and acting on it will not change. Being gay (same gender attraction) is not against what the church teaches, but acting on it ie getting married to someone of the same gender, being in a relationship, having children with someone of the same gender is about as "set" as you get.

One person kept saying over and over "What the difference between gay parents and parents who smoke?" I'll tell you what the difference is: you can quit smoking and join the gospel. You can't quit your gayness/gay family. And it is the same polygamy. While there are some (mostly women) who quit polygamy, it literally requires they quit their lifestyle and community and flee. It's true, hypothetically someone who is gay and has acted on their same gender attraction could decide not to anymore, but that'd probably be even more offensive (and less likely) than encouraging them not to act on it in the first place if they wanted to be a member in good standing (as is the case now). The other difference is that smoking/not smoking isn't exactly a central tenant to LDS beliefs. The family (the traditional unit), is central to gospel. Pretty much everything we do and teach is about eternal families. Smoking is actually not that big a part of it.

Let's be clear (for those who do not know): same gender attraction is not a sin in the LDS church. Gay individuals are welcome to come to services, serve in callings, be baptized, etc. However, when those individuals act on those tendencies, that's when it becomes a problem within the gospel. If they get married, which is a very conscious action in conflict with gospel principles, that is what causes the apostasy (like polygamy).

Certainly, there is a lot to ponder and consider with this policy clarification. And if you, as a member or non-member still struggle with it, that's ok. Keep struggling. That's how we grow. I'm not even saying you'll come around to my opinion, but keep on keeping on. But I would ask you to do two things as you continue to mull it over:

1) Put yourself in the shoes of Church leadership. This is a GLOBAL church. Not just in Utah. Not just the United States. In fact, there are more members outside the United States than inside. In many of these countries homosexuality is a punishable crime (something the Church does not condone). In many countries/cultures, converting to Christianity is punishable. This policy also applies to children of Muslim families where converting could realistically result in death. This policy protects them. While we love children, they are not always the best at understanding consequences. This policy releases parents and children of any potential conflict where the child may want to join the Church but it is not in the best interest of the child's physical, emotional, or spiritual well-being until they can be self-sufficient and get themselves in a better position to be a member. It allows local church leaders all over the world to offer consistent leadership on such a complicated issue. Certainly the Church does not want to be the cause of pulling families of young children apart.

2) Put yourself in the shoes of these children/parents. Yes, there may be some extraordinarily understanding gay parents who say they would let their child be baptized in the church. And perhaps they would be supportive. But I'm not just talking about driving them to Church on Sundays. I'm talking about (and what leadership is concerned about) is what it takes to foster the spiritual growth of children. Individuals who are not members of the Church may not realize that the LDS church is not just 1 hour commitment on Sundays. Active members go to at least three hours of meetings on Sundays, weekday meetings/activities, sometimes weekend meetings/activities, family/congregation activities, we encourage families to do Family Home Evening once per week (basically a quick lesson on some gospel principle, a fun activity, etc), individual and family prayer, individual and family scripture study, etc. As a life-long member, it is overwhelming to me. I could not imagine the stress this would put on a child who does not have parents who could support them and help them learn through these things. Not to mention the more sensitive issues that are CENTRAL to LDS doctrine that get talked about in some way or another pretty much all the time: temple marriage (only available to heterosexual couples), the importance of the roles of moms and dads, how the traditional family unit is central to gospel, families being together forever, etc.

You can tell me all you want that that you know a family (or are perhaps that family) that wouldn't have a problem with a child of gay parents joining the Church and it would never cause stress. But by and large it would cause intense emotional stress for the child. They would feel like they needed to choose what they learn in church and what they see their parents exemplifying. What this policy does is it relieves that pressure and stress and makes sure the child is simply old enough to understand what it would mean to them, to their family, etc. when they choose to get baptized. That's something that an eight year old, even raised in the Church, does not completely understand...but they have the support to foster that growth and better understand.

Try to remember what it was like to be a child in your parents home. Try to imagine what it would be like to hear at Church that the way your parents, probably the best people you know, the rock of your life, lived their lives in a way that would not allow them to receive saving ordinances. And then imagine trying to go home and talking to them about it. Try to not telling your child what they're learning in Church is wrong. Try to imagine the push-back if you did. Even if you didn't talk about it or conversations seemed to go fine, children are not dumb. They will see the inconsistency and it will cause serious stress and confusion. I cannot empathize, but I feel the internal conflict just thinking about it. I can imagine the external conflict that is possible. And Church leaders do not what the Church to be responsible for that in families with young children.

Say what you want about the Church discriminating, but as I pondered all these things, I finally BELIEVED that the leadership meant what they said: this is for the benefit of the child and their family. This is to keep the child from feeling like they have to choose between their Church and their family.

There are some absolutely wonderful articles that talk about this and aspects of this better than me and these are some of my favorite:

• This is the official explanation from Church leadership by one of the 12 apostles. Something you should know (if you don't) is that Elder D. Todd Christofferson has a gay brother. Elder Christofferson has talked very publicly about how important it is to treat gay individuals, families, and the community with loves and respect. Remember this fact as you listen to his explanation.
• This one gives specifics stories about how the policy protected a child from a Muslim family and another from a polygamist family and what a blessing it was (and is written by a gay Mormon).
• From a LDS woman who was raised by Lesbians and was affected by the policy before it was clarified in the handbook.
• This one is by a friend who's father refused to let her be baptized, so she had to wait until she was 18 and was grateful for it.
• This one is very straightforward and addresses several myths of the policy. If you have doubts, I'd encourage you to read this one with a very open mind and try to believe what it's explaining.

With all of this, I have arrived at a place where I do believe it makes sense for the Church to clarify its policy in this way. I also believe it is done from a very loving place. These children are not being denied the gospel. They are encouraged to come to church, to learn, to grow in the gospel. But they are being required to wait to make any life/eternity-changing decisions that may put them at odds with family until they are old enough to better understand the consequences. It is for the benefit of the child and their parents. That is not discrimination or exclusion. It is protection.

Here Am I, Send Me

Often as disciples of Christ, we expect some trials, but nothing TOO hard. We know it rains on the just and the unjust, but, still, as an active LDS we know we're doing the right thing and what goes around, comes around right?

Well, not exactly. Bad things happen to good people. This we know.

But what about when we follow direct inspiration to do something the Lord wants us to do? After we make the (sometimes) difficult decision to do what the Lord wants and not necessarily what we want, shouldn't the "hard" end?

Obviously not. The scriptures and Church history are littered with prophets and apostles who, following the Lord's direction, were led directly into hardships, illness, and even death. Joseph Smith. The pioneers. Abinidai. And so on. Each doing what the Lord asked them to do...and it didn't get easier from there.

I've pondered this the last couple weeks as I've struggled with something so very personal. It is so personal that, even as outspoken as I can be, I've hesitated to even say it out loud for fear of offending someone or hurting their feelings because that is certainly not my intent. But as I was discussing this with a couple dear friends, I realized hard is hard. Your hard may be different from my hard, but it is still MY trial and challenge and everything that comes with it. And I also realized that I am far from the only one who has ever dealt with these not-often talked about feelings.

It deals with pregnancy and I know there are many who struggle with fertility and so this would be my "trigger alert" to not continue reading if it may upset you. I sympathize with that trial and challenge, my heart aches for those who long to have children or more children. That is a difficult challenge. However, that is not a challenge the Lord has given to me in this life and the one in this blog is actually the opposite.

For more than a year, my husband had mentioned that he felt like we should have another baby. I completely wrote him off. "Nope. I'm happy with the two we have. They're out of diapers, they play together, I don't miss getting up every 3 hours. Nope." He never pushed it but would occasionally drop the "I feel like there's one more up there for our family."

I wouldn't even consider it. I wouldn't even PRAY about it because I didn't want the answer. You see, I knew my husband was inspired because we had both talked about how we were both done with two kids. I knew HE didn't really want another child (like I didn't), but he knew the Lord wanted us to have one. And for more than a year I just said "Nope. Not even gonna pray about it. I'm not there yet." Knowing exactly what pregnancy and babies entail.

Finally, I came around to praying about it. Yes, I knew it was the what the Lord wanted. I wasn't excited, but I agreed to be obedient knowing that the Lord knew more about what He wanted me to be and what was best for our family. I trusted Him, but I was not excited. Three months later I was pregnant.

And SICK. My morning sickness kicked in the day we left for a 2-3 day trip up to Canada. Well, it was a work trip for my husband, which means I got 2 days of entertaining the kids by myself in an unknown city and hotel room...while barely being functional. My kids basically missed the last half of summer because I was laid up in bed with my crackers and Sprite. A trip through Costco had me eyeing each garbage can in case I needed to unload into it; those darn sample smells made my upper lip sweat. I refused to grocery shop for the next 2 months.

That alone, made it hard to be excited for this pregnancy. We told our kids pretty early, so they wouldn't think mommy was avoiding them as I spent most of my day in bed. Them being excited about the baby was the best thing about it for a looong time.

As time past, the severity of my sickness went away, but it was replaced by...just feeling like garbage. I'd get about two good hours out of the day, but the rest of the time, I didn't have energy to do much, didn't want to go anywhere, do anything, etc. The worst part was I never knew when it would kick in so I had great anxiety about going out anywhere. I read labor and delivery articles and I was like "Holy cow, I can't believe I'm doing that again. Whyeeee?" I thought about how this baby would be 4.5 years younger than Malcom, almost too far apart to be playmate. I got overwhelmed by the idea of trying to do everything I'm currently doing (including a new job I started the WEEK I found out I was pregnant)...plus keeping a baby alive and well.

During this time I got into a semi-serious car accident (not my fault). Our house got broken into. AND I had to get rid of my beloved dog as a direct result of this impending bundle of joy. I felt like my life was a country song. I was a bit angry, if not resentful.

And when you feel crappy, it's easy to stop praying and reading. Uplifting stuff just became...annoying. I was just annoyed. By everything.

"I was obedient, Lord. What gives? Why do I feel so awful about everything?"

I felt guilty, too. I knew there were thousands of women who would give anything to be in my place and so I felt guilty about not being excited. I know what a wonderful blessing children are, what a wonderful gift it is to be able to carry my own child. But I'd done it twice and I didn't want to do it again. Selfishly, it wasn't what I wanted (as wonderful as it is) and so I had trouble being grateful and excited when I knew I should be. Which led, honestly, to immense guilt, anxiety, stress, and some darkness.

People would say "Just look forward to the end result, holding that baby in your arms." And perhaps because it'd been so long since I've held my own babies, that just didn't work. I was worried I wouldn't feel that love for this baby that I knew I should because I wasn't excited now. I felt ungrateful. I felt guilty. But I had been obedient!

As I talked about these deep feelings with a friend, she said she had felt the same way during one of her pregnancies because she was SO sick for so long. As we talked more, I remembered that the Lord gives us things in life that turn us into the people He wants us to be. This pregnancy, this baby, THESE feelings were my challenge. My trial. While it wouldn't be for someone else, He knows me better than anyone and He knows this is what I need...for reasons I don't understand yet.

I expected immediate excitement and expected the Lord to make me feel happy...simply because I had been obedient. As I pondered the people who had immense challenges following their obedience, my mind traced back to the Savior. I was literally sacrificing my body for this child, He sacrificed His for all of us. I was giving up my life (again) for another person...this child that would require ALL of me. He gave up his life for all of us. And, perhaps, because I was doing it because it's what my Father wanted (and not what I wanted), it made the choice even more Christlike.

By doing this thing as He inspired, as hard as it is for me, I am becoming more Christlike...and with that a small piece of the Lord's plan for me was unveiled.

Had anyone suffered more than the Savior because He followed the will of our Father in Heaven? No. "Art thou greater than He?" No. But the thing that gave me the most hope, the thing that made me turn the corner was this realization: even Jesus asked that this trial be taken away. In the garden of Gesthemane, He prayed to His father: "Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless, not what I will, but what thou wilt." -Mark 14:36.

Even the Savior struggled through his obedience at one point. That realization took my guilt away. It's ok to struggle through obedience. Even Christ had said basically, "I don't really want to do this, but if you want me to, I will."

I talked to some wonderful mothers who are friends of mine and several admitted to panicking a bit during pregnancy. Not sure if they could do it again. Not sure if would be a good thing. And every single one of them said, "I'm so glad we added that child to our family. What a blessing he/she has been." One friend, who had bigger challenges in pregnancy and family life than me, said, "I don't have any advice for you during pregnancy. I never resented pregnancy until this one. But as soon as they placed her in my arms, I loved her. That rush of love hormones come over me and hasn't gone away."

After realizing that I don't need to feel guilty for my feelings, that my Savior understands EXACTLY what I felt about being obedient (even if a bit reluctantly), my burdens have been lifted. I have been able to embrace feeling crappy without resentment. I have been able to be HAPPY. I have been able to enjoy it. Don't get me wrong, I know the sweet little pokes and prods within me will soon turn to painful jabs into my lungs and labor is never fun, but I no longer worry about not feeling that rush of love when this child arrives in my arms. I know I will. I know he will be an immense blessing of which I cannot even comprehend. I am grateful. Which is something I could not have said even a couple weeks ago.

And with that, another piece of the Lord's plan for me was revealed.

I started reading M. Russell Ballard's "Daughters of God" and while I couldn't bring myself to read about pregnancy and motherhood, I read the chapter on womanhood. He talks about the value women have to the Lord and his kingdom. Elder Ballard says this:

"If you are wondering if you make a difference to the Lord, imagine the effect when you make such commitments as the following:

"Father, if you need a woman to rear children in righteousness, Here am I, send me.
"If you need a woman to make a house a home filled with love, Here am I, send me.
"If you need a woman who will shun vulgarity and dress modestly and speak with dignity and show the world how joyous it is to keep the commandments, Here am I, send me.
"If you need a woman who can resist the alluring temptations of the world by keeping her eyes fixed on eternity, Here am I, send me."


That profoundly touched me. By working through my feelings, not letting guilt hold me back, and looking to the Savior, I realized I had said (by being obedient), "Here am I, send me." Furthermore, I realized that by trying work through what I was feeling, I FELT "Here am I, send me."

Just trust. Be obedient even when you don't understand, even when you don't want to. But don't just trust and be obedient in misery as I was for so many weeks. Struggle, work. Try to understand. Talk to trusted friends, study it out. As you do this, perhaps pieces of the Lord's plan will be revealed to you. Or, perhaps, just peace.

The Lord's Evaluation of Life Does Not Include Convincing People Gay Marriage is Wrong

When I was applying to become a Resident Advisor before my sophomore year of college, they ran applicants through a series of screenings. The one I remember was a group discussion about a controversial topic (if memory serves, the topic was actually about residents' right to hang a Confederate flag in their room/window even as it offended other residents). I was ready. In my young mind, I knew I was right and I was ready to show all those evaluating me how smart, quick, assertive, and correct I was. I thought I did pretty well showing everyone how correct I was.

A little while later I received my evaluation, including the criteria of what I was being evaluated on...and a notice that I had been put on the "wait-list" for the job. What?! Hadn't they seen how brilliant I was? Didn't they see how right I was and how boldly I stood up for what was right?!

Turns out, they didn't really care. Being "right" wasn't listed as one of the criteria. However, genuinely listening, not interrupting, etc. WERE some of the criteria. I felt like a fool. I replayed in my mind the times and I had let myself be incredulous at someone's opinion or interrupted or completely shut them down. This was the first time in my life where I realized that in SO many situations it really doesn't matter what you say (even if it's right), it matters HOW you listen and HOW you express yourself.

In the days following the Supreme Court ruling to grant gay couples the right to be married, I have thought of my experience of evaluation of expression many times. For both sides. And it made me wonder, does the Lord really care about politics? Does the Lord really care about the Supreme Court ruling? Does He care whether we voluntarily take care of the poor or we put in place a government that "forces" us to do it as long as the poor are taken care of?

Perhaps the evaluation of our lives is more about HOW we conduct ourselves in relation to others and, of course, our own personal obedience to the ordinances and principals of truth that we know. I would imagine on the Lord's syllabus for our lives, there isn't one bullet point where it says, "Convinced at least 2 people via Facebook that gay marriage is wrong."

As an LDS born and raised where Mormons are the minority (in fact, where religion in general is a minority), maybe I'm just used to being around people who believe differently than me. In fact, no matter we live, we should be kind of used to it. I rarely see Mormons condemning people who choose to drink alcohol. I rarely see Mormons condemning people who have children before they are married. I rarely see Mormons telling people to "take our country back" because pretty much every store everywhere is open on Sundays. These are all things we believe strongly in, so why don't we do it? Because we also know that life is complicated and it is completely unreasonable to hold all people to a standard they don't believe in. It's a losing fight and, honestly, a waste of energy I need to be putting into my own spirituality and my own family. THAT is how the kingdom is established; not politics. And definitely not the interwebs.

I will boldly and lovingly state what I believe in an appropriate place and time...and then let people choose.

I remember having a religious discussion with a friend from high school who asked what Mormons believe about homosexuality and gay marriage. I told her in as a respectful but firm way as possible. A time later she told me she was gay and I panicked remembering our discussion and wracked my brain for anything I could've said that might have hurt her...because she was my friend from childhood and I love her. I was relieved when I realized I didn't say anything I would take back and nothing that caused her to not want to be my friend even though we disagreed. In fact, she was a Mormon defender when she moved to the South and people would make comments :)

But this is how we should conduct ourselves. On both sides. I didn't say what I said to hurt her, but we knew where each other stood...and then we continued on being friends! There was no trying to convince each other. In fact, we need to get ourselves out of the convincing business, my dear LDS. Talk about what we have, what we know, and then let others decide. Some will say yes, some will say no. And the one's who say no, well, that's not on us anymore. So just continue to love on but move on from it. Trying to convince people hardly ever works. With anything.

The work will go forth, do not panic.

But let me tell you this: the work of the Lord will go on. There is no need to fear or freak out or tell people they are going to hell or (my personal favorite) "gay marriage is satanic." I remember in the midst of dealing with a broken heart over an ex-boyfriend who just couldn't see the merits of becoming LDS to be with me forever (I was a dumb college girl), I told my father, "But he would make such a good Mormon!" My dad calmly replied, "Vanessa, the work will go forth without him. The stone will not stop rolling because he didn't join the Church." THAT was stick of truth that smacked me in the head, big time.

That is my sentiment to you, my fine LDS. The work will go forth with or without gay marriage. So perhaps, you should consider the fact that, no matter how right you think you are, you are being evaluated on HOW you say what you say...and not actually being right.

Honestly, I don't know what the Lord thinks of a temporal government granting a legal marriage to gay couples. And neither do you. Making judgement calls like that is above my pay grade and it's above yours. So don't do it. Believe in traditional marriage. Stand for Celestial marriage. But do not pretend to know what your Father in Heaven thinks of people in a situation you do not understand. We are not called to do that.

Focus on what you know is on the evaluation (ie YOUR covenants) and remember, there is no requirement for convincing people via Facebook.

A Mother and Daughter Made of Fire

"Stand by her when the people she loves begin to pull away: she is too intense for them, too sentient. Fire is contagious, catching, and nobody wants to go down burning."

I had a powerful experience with my daughter that I wanted to share in hopes that it would empower another mother to see within herself her divinity when she feels it the least. As an active LDS, I mean that differently than others may interpret: our divine DNA. The access to divine power we hold. Our divine potential.

I have a five year old daughter, Vivienne. Vivi, for short. She...she is a force to be reckoned with. Very early we recognized in her that she cannot be convinced to do anything she doesn't want to. It is a blessing that will serve her (and us) well in the future, but it sure makes her hard to parent. She is incredibly smart (dare I say gifted?); she is perceptive and asks deep questions. 

"What is our Heavenly Mother's name?" she asked one day. I don't think they talk about Heavenly Mother in her Sunbeam class at church...

She is stubborn, yet sensitive. She is fierce, but defensive. She is empathetic, but can intentionally do harm. She is prone to angry outbursts, rarely is she demure. She is the sun and rarely moon. She is fire and rarely water. More on this later.

She is exhausting.

Vivi's daily emotional roller coaster is a lot for this mama to handle. Especially because I am her mother. As in: the qualities, behaviors, and attitudes that make her most difficult to parent she clearly gets from me. I see myself in her giant blue eyes. She can be manipulative (as any five year old can), so it is often hard to discern when to be patient and when to be...not. This is where our story begins.

Vivi had not been feeling well the past several days. Nothing major but a low-grade fever and very weird/scary nightmares that woke her up feeling ill. Several times a night she would get up whimpering (which annoys the crap out of me) and finally get into bed with me where she (we) would have a very restless sleep.

Last night, it started as it had the previous couple nights: whimpering of not feeling well and saying she'd had really scary dreams. But instead of getting frustrated (at this point I'm not sure if there's something really wrong or if she's trying to get attention), I took her hand and tucked her in her bed. I asked if we should say prayer and she said she wanted me to say it.

Suddenly, I felt the spirit strongly that she needed a blessing, but not from her father in the other room. She needed her mother to advocate for her, to invoke a blessing on her. I inwardly wondered if I should place my hands on her head, but that felt weird to think about, so I simply held her hand and touch my forehead to hers and began to utter my prayer.

It began as many prayers often do, but I felt compelled to continue on as she groaned in discomfort or fear of bad dreams. I prayed for the Spirit to be with her, to calm her mind. For angels to watch over, guard, and protect her. As I continued I felt...power. I wasn't just requesting hopefully...I felt it had power. I had power. It would be done.

As I prayed for the Savior to lay His hands upon my daughter that her body and mind may be calmed and healed (for all that the Savior lays his hands upon can be), she stopped groaning. She stopped whimpering. She lay perfectly still.

When I opened my eyes after "Amen," she was sound asleep. Her fingers still firmly gripping mine had to be gently pried away and yet she still slept. Her face was pretty and peaceful. The dark circles that had been under her eyes the last couple days seemed to disappear.

I dropped to my knees in the middle of my children's bedroom and thanked my God for that ability to communicate with Him, for what the ability to call upon His power to calm and heal my daughter enough to sleep, for the power of being a woman and mother who has been given the opportunity to find this divinity within and share it with her daughter, for a Savior who actively loves each of us every day. 

I have said my fair share of prayers as a mother (of two VERY bad sleepers who are also very strong willed and high energy), but this wasn't a prayer of desperation...it felt like a powerful request of one having authority to ask for such a blessing as a mother charged with taking care of His children can and should have. 

I shared this experience with my husband when I returned to our bedroom and then did what everyone else does in bed: flipped open Facebook on my smart phone. Just then my sister sent me this article: On Loving a Daughter Made of Fire. More than any parenting article, this described my Vivi. It described me. It described us. And the best way to be the mother of a "daughter made of fire."

"Introduce her to the women who braved the fire to build you: your grandmother lives in your tender hands, your mother in the grace of your smile, your sister in the gentle curve of your frame. We are all, in some small way, immortal. As she becomes you, she too will inherit parts of them. Show her they are watching over her when she sees herself for the first time in the mirror of your armour and realizes she was born a warrior baby.

"Remind her that anger is natural. When she comes to you, convulsing inside with the volcano she cannot contain, sift through the ashes with her to reveal generations of forgotten women who have never known escape. Let her see that the fire will not — no, cannot — scorch her. She was born of it, after all."

I have reflected recently on my grandmother and mother and the kind of women they are. I have reflected on the kind of woman I am. Yes, we are made of fire. It makes sense that my Vivi is also made of fire. Recalling my experience I'd felt just a few minutes before I read the article, I believe it is that fire that I felt within me and all around me as I held my daughter's hand and invoked the blessings of heaven to be upon her.

“We are not mere human beings,” tell her, “we are stars the sky tried to swallow whole; the stars whose shrieks of fury pierced the darkness like bullets: to this day, the sky bleeds light through phantom wounds like you and I.”

As an LDS, there could be many layers to this statement but at surface value, she truly is a "star whose shrieks of fury pierced the darkness..." This will describe her her whole life as it does me.
Her fire, her divine nature, her divine potential. My fire, my divine nature, my divine potential. 

We are one.

We are powerful.

We are fire.

We will fight, we will burn. We will "help people with [our] flames," not destroy. Is that not the mission we have been given. Will not the earth be consumed in fire? Perhaps this is one kind of flame that will light up the earth.

Isaiah 64:2: "As when the melting fire burneth, the fire causeth the waters to boil, to make thy name known to thine adversaries, that the nations may tremble at thy presence!"

• 
  
• This was the first time I FELT that I do not need someone to grant me priesthood power; I have power within me. The power and fire of divine womanhood, eternal motherhood. A divine right by nature of who my Father is and the covenants I have made with Him. 

"She is part of an integral legacy, guided by those who once walked the very same path she treads. Remind her that a day will come where she will light the way for another on this journey..."

WE are daughters made of fire.

Every woman, whether she is LDS Christian, or not, has that fire. That power. That divinity. Perhaps in the women/girls in my family that "volcanic" fire is more evident, but the fire of the divine, the flame to light the way, the power to call upon the unseen is within us all.

Feminism is THE "F-word" to Mormons

My daughter is of the same value to me as my son. They are equal, although not the same.
I imagine this is how Heavenly Father view us, His children. This makes me an LDS feminist.

I recently wrote an article about my disgust for a group used a bunch of young girls dropping "f-bombs" to bring attention to their feminist organization, ideas, etc. I found the use of language by young people deplorable, but I understood their complaints.

I got few responses on an LDS Facebook page to my blog and they made me scratch my head. It was obvious that several had not even read the blog. They just saw the word "Feminism" and obviously shut down and gave into knee jerk reactions that many conservatives and, especially Mormons, seem to have.

One person wrote: "I don't think equality is as important as liberty..." (and then went on to say he wants more mercy than being treated as an equal sinner, which is fine from a spiritual standpoint, but we are talking about socially here). This person (a man) has obviously never dealt with the social inequalities women face. 

Another comment was: "A truly free people cannot be equal and a truly equal people cannot be free. If you are to look at the pre-mortal realm, what was Lucifer fighting for? On the flip side, what was the plan that we fought for? That should tell where our priorities lie." Basically, comparing women who believe they are worth the same, albeit in different ways, to Satan (because Satan wanted all the glory himself? I don't quite follow that line of thinking...). I was a bit offended.

Another comment stated that the group that created the video is also the kind of group that contributes to "gender confusion."

This led me to be confused. While I disagree with the tactics of the "f-bomb for Feminism" video, I agreed with the general premise and ideas they mentioned: focus on girls' brains, not how they look; teach boys they have no right to any girls body no matter what she's wearing; women deserve to be paid based on their qualifications.

In general, I think most LDS would agree with these ideas, as well. But because the word "feminism" is attached them, we just shut down and find a reason either not to listen or not support.

There are shades of feminism, whether you are LDS or not. But we need to learn to listen to what people are ACTUALLY saying and not cover our ears as soon as we hear "feminism." I know it's hard to agree with SOME things when there are feminists and feminists groups who promote ideas we may not agree with, like certain LGBT issues, pushing for LDS women to have the priesthood, etc. But that doesn't mean we cannot agree on some things that are labeled feminist. (In fact, I think most of things aren't even feminist, they are simply...humanist). It's like claiming you couldn't be a Republican because your favorite Congressman got caught with happy feet in a certain airport bathroom.

But we do it. And no one seems to have a problem with it because "feminism" is an F word to many LDS. If you haven't seen this video of Emma Watson addressing the UN about "feminism," you need to do yourself a favor and watch it. Now.

"Feminism, by definition, is the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities," she said.

That's it. And I think that's something most LDS can get behind. Maybe you want to stay home and raise your children. Fabulous. But, maybe your neighbor does not or cannot. Should she not have the same right and opportunity to equal employment as a man? Should not your daughters be looked at as equal prospects for training and employment in the science and math fields? Shouldn't we judge the sisters we visit teach by their character and not their haircut? Would we, as LDS, have any problem fighting against female genital mutilation that takes place in some cultures? 

This might be small and minor, but something I've noticed: I do not get offered handshakes from male leaders in my congregation nearly as often as my husband (probably about half the time). Oftentimes, when I'm standing RIGHT next to him. Does this scream of social inequity? Not really. But why shouldn't I? Is my husband that much more important that HE warrants an "official" greeting, but I do not?

Or, maybe something closer to home: how about the women who are emotionally, physically, and financially abused by their husbands? Certainly, this happens in homes of every religion, including LDS (I've seen it) and it is worth being vocal against! It is worth an LDS person forgetting the stigma of the word "feminism" and standing up to say "That woman deserves the right to have more than a $100 allowance each month!" And "The mother of your children deserves more trust than you monitoring the mileage on her car and asking permission every time she goes somewhere!" And "Your children are YOUR children, too. Your wife should not have to BEG you to "babysit" them on the rare occasion she wants to go somewhere without them."

Latter-Day Saints, this kind of behavior against women is not what we, as LDS, believe is acceptable treatment of women. We need to stand up and say, "Your wife should have equal access money to get what she needs and the family needs." We need to say, "You CANNOT play video games all night long while your wife struggles to keep her head above water with the kids." We need to say, "You are partners. You are EQUAL."

This should not be unnatural for us. When people accuse the Church of sexism, I have often told them, "Men are held to the same sexual and moral standards as women. There is no different in standards between the sexes." True, women cannot have the priesthood and I am not arguing that they should because that is a doctrinal issue (but I do believe women could and should have more leadership within the Church without the priesthood; different topic for a different day). BUT, we as LDS should be able to vocally say, "I believe my mom, my sister, my wife, my daughter should have equal rights and opportunities as men and boys. They should not be reduced to the parts of their bodies, the way the look, etc." 

That is feminism and, while we don't have to take it as far as many do, I believe we should be able to comfortably say, "I'm Mormon and I'm a feminist because I believe women have EQUAL VALUE as men." We don't have to say that men and women are the same because we are not the same (thank goodness). But we can be feminist in the way that we believe women's intrinsic value, women's contributions, and women's potential has equal VALUE and deserves EQUAL opportunity to be considered and to grow as men's. 

And that's why I'll confidently say I am a feminist because:

• I believe women should be paid as equals of men for the time spent in the office (I understand women leave the workforce to have children and, except for leaves of absence, they should be paid the same).
• I believe women should not be reduced to the size of their booty, type of purse, hair type, waist size, etc.
• I believe women are responsible for their own actions. I also believe men are responsible for their actions towards women and no one should ever say "She was asking for it" when a woman is raped.
• I believe women to be incredibly capable leaders in whatever arena they choose to be in and no one should say "Real women stay home" or "real women go to work" or "real women have curves" or "real women work out" or whatever. Women should be themselves. Their best selves. And we should stop judging them/each other.
• I believe women have the right to question the status quo without being labeled "a radical feminist." 
• I believe women should be respected as human beings.
• I believe women should be honored, protected, and respected...the same as how men should be honored, protected, and respected.
• I will raise my daughter to be strong, opinionated, educated, and that she is NO LESS than her brother.

If you believe things like this (and others), you may be a feminist, too.

The World's Hatred of Women

This post may be a little behind but it's one that I've been rolling over in my mind for a couple months now, since a particular event occurred.

The event to which I refer happened in May when a "virgin" shooter (isn't that a catchy name the media gave him?)  targeted women of sorority house at the University of California Santa Barbara. I was sickened to hear the specifics of how this man specifically targeted women for all the difficulties he perceived he had with the opposite sex during his short life (even shorter if you consider he probably wasn't physically sexually mature for more than 5-6 years). His hatred for these "sluts" (read: all women) was so intense he wanted to "punish them for not being attracted to me."

Sickened.

I was sickened for the lives of those who were directly impacted simply for being a woman. I was sickened to think about raising my children in a world where violence is an all-too-common response to frustration. I was sickened for my daughter who must grow up in a world where men EXPECT women to have sex with them and it is "weird" (or even "wicked") for them not to.

As an LDS woman, I have been reading, hearing, and discussing much on the role of women in the church (see my previous post about women and the priesthood), so my mind naturally tried to find some connection between this emotional story and what had been on my mind so much recently.

And here's what I came up with: as much as feminists (and those who oppose the church on whatever gender issue) try, they can never say the church hates women as much as the rest of the world does. Yes, I've seen people say the church hates women. But, why then, do I feel the best refuge for my daughter is within the fold of the church?

Because the gospel teaches the "why" of women; the divine reason for women. To lead His children back to Him. To serve, to love, to be pillars of the community, to study, to pray, to teach, to be mothers (and have mother hearts for those who are not mothers in this life), to be companions, and more.

The "why" of women in the world is to do whatever they want, to focus on oneself and just make yourself happy, sexual freedom, etc. In fact, there isn't really a "why" for women in the world...which is perhaps why there many problems. You cannot have a purpose without knowing why.

Men have come to think that it's ok to use women's sexual freedom for their own gratifications (of course, who are most women going to practice their freedom with?) and, so, have come to expect it, even when they have no right to. One night stands, children without commitment, etc. Men expect women to have sex with them...even if they don't really want to because that's what modern, Sex in the City, sexually freed women do.

Like this shooter. He expected sex. He expected women to be attracted to him. And when it didn't happen, he took his frustration out on them. Certainly this is not the fault of a woman or women, in general. And certainly almost everyone condemns his actions, but HOW did this happen? How is that we still battle the issue of rape and other domestic violence against women when, apparently, gender issues have made such "progress"?

It is a cultural failure. In a culture where an NFL player gets only two game suspension for beating a woman 1/3 his size into unconsciousness (his then fiance and now wife...don't even get me started) or you can get a longer sentence for playing online poker than sexual assault (at least in my state), what do we expect? Seriously, what do the stories on the news tell us about how the secular world values women?! In our increasingly secular culture, we treat women as something fun for a one-night stand, not a creature of intrinsic, divine value. Never is there a story about a woman giving up her time, talents, and energy to improve the world because, really, the world doesn't care about that. We care about sexy women. Successful women. We care about Kardashians (full disclosure, we have been known to watch an episode or two).

To me, THAT is a culture that hates women. Or at least one that does not regard them highly.

My hope lies in raising my daughter in an LDS culture where, it's true, she may never be bishop, but she will certainly know she's good for more than a good time or even a prestigious corporate career where she can be labeled "a successful woman." Some feminists may say, "But that's the subtle sexism that will keep women in the church down." Perhaps. But being a woman, a mother, a wife in the church is more than position of leadership. It just is more. It is a divine "why." And those who are part of the church can understand the "why" of women in the church is much more profound than the "why" of women that the world offers.

I'm not usually a "The world is evil and we're all doomed!" kind of person, but when I look at the way I feel valued as a woman in the church (even though I can't hold the priesthood) and the way the world values women, I cannot help but be extremely grateful for the opportunity to raise my daughter in the church.