My Daughter Got Punched on the Bus, and This is What I Did...

Nothing.

That's right. My 6 year old, first-grade shield maiden of a daughter got punched on the bus and we have done nothing about it.

She got off the bus and I could see that something was wrong. She told me that a boy she was sitting next to had punched her in the chest. When I asked why and what happened, she vaguely said, "I don't know..." while her big hazel eyes avoided mine.

She was obviously very upset, so I kept asking, "What happened? What were you guys doing/talking about before he punched you?" I told her she wasn't in trouble, but I could get that boy in major trouble, but that I wanted to have all the information before I contacted their teacher (knowing that most of the time kids don't just randomly punch each other).

But all I got was "I forgot..." on repeat.

That sent up my B.S. meter because she is a smart, capable kid who has the memory of an elephant, so I decided to just give her a snack and some space to process everything.

Sure enough, about an hour and a plate of nachos later, she opened up. Turns out, the boy had "accidentally" hit her, so she hit him back, and then he punched her in the chest.

"So he accidentally he hit you?" I asked. She confirmed. "So then you hit him back on purpose?" She confirmed. "So then he hit you back?" Yup.

At that point, I kept my internal "Good" inside my big mouth and asked her how that made her feel. Of course, it hurt, she said. I explained I would not be contacting the teacher about because she had him on purpose first and I hoped she had learned a lesson not to hit...a lesson we had been trying to drive home as she often exercised her bigger size and passionate feelings on her 4 year old brother.

No, I decided. We would let these natural consequences ride out without any interference from me or her father. Better for her to learn natural consequences, especially ones dealing with physical harm/hitting as a first grader than her believing I would (or could) protect her from similar things happening after she lashes out when she's older...when the consequences could be much more severe.

Yes, we decided it was better for her to get this reality check that physically lashing out won't always work out for her. Better with her 6 year old classmate than as a teenage girl against a whole group of girls...or a boy who wouldn't stop at just one small revenge (maybe knee-jerk reaction) punch.

There is an epidemic of parents trying to protect their children from consequences of their actions, sometimes rightfully so, but it is so much better for us to allow them these relatively harmless events to teach them that their actions DO have consequences...sometimes undesirable, painful ones...and mom and dad will not always save them from them. Especially if they deserved it. Better to do it now when they are young than when they are in college and expecting their parents to call their professors to argue grades for them. Or when the child grows up into a punk who's never been "checked" or put in place before. I'll be honest (like always), there are times when my kids give me major attitude and I'll say "You better check yourself before you wreck yourself." And they know exactly what it means. It means it's better for us to check them, to allow them small punches on the bus after they hit someone first, than for them to get "checked" by a group of bigger, meaner kids after my kid started some trouble thinking nothing bad will happen because mom and dad will fix it. When we "check" them, it's with their well-being in mind. If we don't do it (or allow minor incidences like this), they will "checked" by people who don't care what happen to them afterwards, by people who mean to do them harm to their detriment.

Our children are growing up in a world where they are told, "Do it if it feels good." Unfortunately, what feels good now (hitting on purpose after an accidental smack during goofing around) may not feel so good later. And if it takes a punch by a first grader for my kid to start learning the lesson, then I will simply smile at that kid the next time I see him.

Being a Third-time mom on a Hospital Tour...

Since our last baby was born about 4.5 years ago, we have bought a house a moved. Not too terribly far away but far enough to need a new OB/GYN and hospital.

Since it was a new hospital, we signed up to take a free tour of the hospital mostly because we wanted to help the kids feel more comfortable with the idea of mom being in the hospital, etc. (Vivi is a very anxious child and we wanted to alleviate some of her stress about it and help her enjoy her visit more when she came to see the baby the first time). Unfortunately, after we signed up, we found out there are no kids allowed on the tour, but Doug wanted to take the tour because he wanted to get familiar with which entrance to go in, where to park, etc. I appreciated his diligence because the last thing I wanted to do is park on the wrong side of the hospital and have to walk across the campus while having contractions (did that with Vivi).

So on the tour we went.

It was an interesting experience to see all these anxious first-time parents (I can't say moms because one dad also asked LOTS of questions) on the tour from the eyes of a third-time mom. For the most part they were quiet, but I could see their brains trying to suck in and retain every last word the tour guide/nurse said.

Doug and I mostly noted where the "Nutrition Room" was...that was the kitchen available to patients and the support with a freezer, microwave, etc.

They asked about how many people could fit into one room during delivery and visiting hours. The one very persistent dad mentioned her mother, his mother, etc. The number of times he asked about the amount of people that could fit in the room made it sound like they were going to have a party.

I'm thinking, "Dude. You better check with your wife. And, lady, you do not want a party up in here."

They all asked about visiting hours. "What if we deliver in the middle of the night, can people come then, etc."

I'm thinking, "Gosh, I don't know if I want anyone to come the whole first day. I just want to sleep." Knowing that people come when they can throughout the day and that's usually just about when you're going to fall asleep. (Don't worry family, you're totally welcome to come, but I'm sure I won't pretend to be as perky as I was in babies past).

When one lady asked what she should wear to L&D, I couldn't help but smile inwardly remembering seriously pondering that exact same question. At that point I volunteered what I had done...then Doug reminded me that I only did that with Vivi and with Mac it was just the hospital gownr.

Oh yeah...I'd forgotten. See. It mattered SO much. But I remember fretting and stressing about it and things like it.

What did I ask about?

"So there's no non-medical nursery?" (there is a medical nursery on the floor for babies who need special medical care). The nurse explained there was no nursery, which sort of bummed me out because I had been considering asking the nurse to take the baby to the nursery at some point the night after so I could sleep. The hospital will be my only chance to have that amount of experience watching over the baby while I sleep and I wouldn't have to wake up at every cry or peep if he was in the nursery. Knowing I'll have two other littles to take care of when I got home, I figured it was an opportunity. But no dice. And I'm sure those first time parents were like, "Wow. Doesn't she want to be with her baby?"

I also asked what the thresh hold was for getting admitted was as she explained there was a triage room for moms to get checked out and then it would be decided to admit or send packing to wait. Each hospital, I'm sure, has a different protocol/procedure/philosophy and I wanted to make sure I could get in when I needed lol

As the nurse reviewed some procedure stuff, I realized I don't remember any of this stuff. Simply because when you're in labor basically nothing mattered to me but getting my epidural and then the baby. After the baby's out, you just don't notice much of anything other than your sweet babe. It's all fuzzy. The details were nice, but most, I realized, not important to me.

Mostly Doug and I walked around quietly observing the people and the place where we would deliver our son. One young dad looked a bit overwhelmed and uncomfortable. On the other side of it was the dad-to-be who was very thorough with his questions and very engaged. Then I looked at Doug sitting in the windowsill of the room. He looked bored, mostly. He looked like he was a pro. And it was fun to think how nervous and anxious he was before our first.

I asked later what he was thinking during the tour and he confirmed that it wasn't anything new to him. I asked what advice he would've given to those other dads. He said, "Just be there. That's really all you can do. I mean, really, we don't do anything. You want something, I get it. Be there to support the moms emotionally."

And this is coming from a guy who CAUGHT both of our kids, so he was pretty involved. But, yeah, pretty right on.

The tour really was helpful, but as we reviewed information about lactation consultants (I've BF both my other kids after struggling with the first), where friends and family can wait in the hospital (do people really do that? We didn't even tell our families we went to the hospital until after the baby was born), importance of selecting a pediatrician, etc. I just felt relieved and happy this wasn't my first baby lol. All that stress about stuff that either just doesn't matter (ie what to bring to the hospital. I packed so much useless crap in my hospital bag THREE months before my firs due date: tennis ball, sock filled with rice, clothes that couldn't possibly fit, 5 baby outfits, etc) or just doesn't apply to us because we know how we like to do things, what worked and what didn't work.

So. Soon to be first time parents, I salute you. And I'm glad I'm not you. :)