My Daughter Got Punched on the Bus, and This is What I Did...

Nothing.

That's right. My 6 year old, first-grade shield maiden of a daughter got punched on the bus and we have done nothing about it.

She got off the bus and I could see that something was wrong. She told me that a boy she was sitting next to had punched her in the chest. When I asked why and what happened, she vaguely said, "I don't know..." while her big hazel eyes avoided mine.

She was obviously very upset, so I kept asking, "What happened? What were you guys doing/talking about before he punched you?" I told her she wasn't in trouble, but I could get that boy in major trouble, but that I wanted to have all the information before I contacted their teacher (knowing that most of the time kids don't just randomly punch each other).

But all I got was "I forgot..." on repeat.

That sent up my B.S. meter because she is a smart, capable kid who has the memory of an elephant, so I decided to just give her a snack and some space to process everything.

Sure enough, about an hour and a plate of nachos later, she opened up. Turns out, the boy had "accidentally" hit her, so she hit him back, and then he punched her in the chest.

"So he accidentally he hit you?" I asked. She confirmed. "So then you hit him back on purpose?" She confirmed. "So then he hit you back?" Yup.

At that point, I kept my internal "Good" inside my big mouth and asked her how that made her feel. Of course, it hurt, she said. I explained I would not be contacting the teacher about because she had him on purpose first and I hoped she had learned a lesson not to hit...a lesson we had been trying to drive home as she often exercised her bigger size and passionate feelings on her 4 year old brother.

No, I decided. We would let these natural consequences ride out without any interference from me or her father. Better for her to learn natural consequences, especially ones dealing with physical harm/hitting as a first grader than her believing I would (or could) protect her from similar things happening after she lashes out when she's older...when the consequences could be much more severe.

Yes, we decided it was better for her to get this reality check that physically lashing out won't always work out for her. Better with her 6 year old classmate than as a teenage girl against a whole group of girls...or a boy who wouldn't stop at just one small revenge (maybe knee-jerk reaction) punch.

There is an epidemic of parents trying to protect their children from consequences of their actions, sometimes rightfully so, but it is so much better for us to allow them these relatively harmless events to teach them that their actions DO have consequences...sometimes undesirable, painful ones...and mom and dad will not always save them from them. Especially if they deserved it. Better to do it now when they are young than when they are in college and expecting their parents to call their professors to argue grades for them. Or when the child grows up into a punk who's never been "checked" or put in place before. I'll be honest (like always), there are times when my kids give me major attitude and I'll say "You better check yourself before you wreck yourself." And they know exactly what it means. It means it's better for us to check them, to allow them small punches on the bus after they hit someone first, than for them to get "checked" by a group of bigger, meaner kids after my kid started some trouble thinking nothing bad will happen because mom and dad will fix it. When we "check" them, it's with their well-being in mind. If we don't do it (or allow minor incidences like this), they will "checked" by people who don't care what happen to them afterwards, by people who mean to do them harm to their detriment.

Our children are growing up in a world where they are told, "Do it if it feels good." Unfortunately, what feels good now (hitting on purpose after an accidental smack during goofing around) may not feel so good later. And if it takes a punch by a first grader for my kid to start learning the lesson, then I will simply smile at that kid the next time I see him.

Starving for 3 Full-Sized Pancakes...and a Bit of Compassion

The story of a crass restaurant owner vs a vicious "demon" of a 21 month year old is all over the interwebs.

I'll admit, when the story first came out and I hadn't read into the details, I sided with the Darla Neugebaur, the owner of the diner. I certainly have my opinions on current parenting trends (ie I think parents don't let their kids take enough chances, make them soft, too much technology, etc). However, with those issues are other more positive ones: more present parenting, the benefits of early education, mothers/fathers sharing child rearing duties more equally, etc.

I was fully prepared to jump on the "those irresponsible parents should've taken their screaming child out" bandwagon.

However, the more I read about this story, the more uncomfortable I became with that. For the purpose of this article let's just assume that the child was being loud (not screaming at the top of her lungs for 30 minutes like the owner said but more than a one-time whimper...somewhere in the middle lies the truth). I read somewhere (albeit I couldn't find the original source) that other customers said the child wasn't being all that disruptive but cried/complained for about 5 minutes.

But that's neither here nor there. Let's assume the parents should have taken the child out as many think they should have and, honestly, as I probably would've (and have) done.

But they didn't.

And apparently that warrants a verbal assault and borderline physical threat on Facebook.

And people are applauding this woman because the public has a right to eat their overpriced pancakes without the presence of unhappy children more than a child has a right to...be a child...or parents have a right to make an error in judgment.

Then it got kind of sickening.

I completely understand the ignorant comments from people who don't have children (including the owner of this diner). "If I had kids, I would NEVER let them make a peep in a restaurant" bla bla bla. Seriously, shut it. You have no idea what it's like to vacation with a toddler. My six year old was a volatile, terrible sleeper of a toddler. And, oh, vacations. It was the worst on vacation. So seriously, shut it.

But the worst is coming from other parents. To read the judgement when there should be compassion is...heartbreaking. "My child/grandchild ALWAYS behaved in public..." and "We taught our children to bla bla bla." You, my friends, are full of crap or have forgotten what it's like to have toddlers. *Note: child care workers, it doesn't count when it's other people's kids because kids ALWAYS behave better for other adults.

And let's remember that not all children are the same. There are very mild-mannered, quiet children. And there are children, well, like mine. They speak their mind and when they've made up their mind about something there is very little amount of righteous bribery that will sway them. This personality trait will serve them well later in life, but it sure makes them hard to parent and, yes, take out in public sometimes. As they've gotten older, of course, it's gotten easier, but at 21 months? Goodness sakes. And on vacation? Yikes.

Some have commented, "Well, you people don't understand. My child has ADHD/autism/etc..." and then the response is usually "Oh, well, you're probably doing the best you can do. We don't fault parents of kids with special needs..." Let me tell ya something: all 21 month olds have ADHD and special needs. They aren't reasoning, thinking people yet. They feel hunger, they cry. They feel stress, the cry. And how do you know this child doesn't have special needs? Maybe the parents don't even know yet. The point is you DON'T KNOW, so take the owner's advice and shut the hell up.

For the folks saying, "Well, then you shouldn't take them out in public." Srsly? You are probably the same people without children who go on about how kids these days are so sheltered, have no life-experiences, no manners, bla bla bla. How are kids supposed to get those experiences and learn if we just lock them up? And for that matter, how are these parents supposed to learn?

I guess that's what I'm getting at. Assuming the parents should've taken their child out of the restaurant, why can't we just sum that up as a parenting misjudgment instead of putting them on blast as "the problem with parents in today's age." You, without kids: you don't get a say. You, with kids: I'm sure you've made as many parenting mistakes as I have and as the parents in this story have. And instead of saying, "Man, I've been there" or "We all make mistakes, chin up," we're lining up to say "I raised my child to never misbehave in public, which proves I'm doing something right..." which you really probably wrote just to make yourself feel better about all times you've screwed up. Some publicly, most privately.

And to those of you jumped on the "I'm with the owner, kids in restaurants are the worst!" bandwagon, did you even read what she ADMITTED she did? She screamed at a toddler to "shut the hell up." She went on her business Facebook account using foul and crude language to lambast these people and their TODDLER, threatened them, complained about making THREE pancakes (and, omg, pancakes do not take that long to make, especially when the batter is already made), she called the toddler rotten and demon (which she based on this one encounter), told the husband he didn't have any balls, and admitted she thrived on hate.

You want to be on the side of that? I don't care how awful the child's behavior was. Chalk it up to a bad day in the service industry and move on. But people are applauding her for standing up for "people's god-given right to have brunch without disruption." Yes, perhaps the parents should've taken their child out and it's her private business and she can do whatever she wants, but to applaud such disgusting behavior is beyond me. To applaud the verbal assault and online bullying of this family is semi-horrifying. Whatever "rightness" Neugebaur had, she lost in the delivery. Now she's just wrong.

It seems to me that we have put an individual's right to eat overpriced pancakes undisturbed and a disturbed GROWN-ASS woman's right to scream at a toddler over a child's innocence. And over parents who simply made a misjudgment and are probably trying to do their best.

Neugebaur is right. No one needs 3 full-sized pancakes. But we could all dish out a bit more compassion and less judgement.

The Atonement Overcomes Motherly Anger

"Anger is not an expression of strength. It is an indication of one’s inability to control his thoughts, words, his emotions. Of course it is easy to get angry. When the weakness of anger takes over, the strength of reason leaves. Cultivate within yourselves the might power of self-discipline."-Gordon B. Hinckley.

Who could get angry at these cutie patooties?!

Hi. My name is Vanessa. I'm a wife. I'm a mom. And I get angry. 

Not "call-CPS!" angry. But definitely un-Christlike anger. And usually at the most Christlike beings I'm in contact with: my children.

I've been known to yell. I'm working on it. I've been known to scream occasionally. I'm working on it. I've been known to throw things (not in front of my kids...unless it was toys or clothes I'd begged them to pick up for days).

And I cry. I weep for this weakness I have not yet been strong enough to overcome. I apologize to my children and ask for their forgiveness and explain that mommy should not have yelled. I kneel down at my bedside and pray to my Father in Heaven who blessed me with these children and ask His forgiveness. Why do allow myself to rarely get angry with other people...often going to great lengths to try to understand their point of view, but start yelling at my kids after they continue to get down from the table and run around for the 10th time while we try to eat dinner as a family?

I have gotten better, though. What pushes me to be better and not just throw up my hands? Other than just trying to continually improve myself it is this: they yell and scream at each other and me now. It is embarrassing and humbling. As far as I can tell, it's too late for my 5 year old who has seen too little too late in my improvement with patience. Yesterday she SCREAMED at her brother for not joining in her celebration that both kids had buckled their seat belts before I had. Poor brother.

There is no part of parenting that is scarier or more humbling than realizing that your children are a mirror of you. The qualities or actions in my children that are most frustrating to me as a parent? Yeah, they got that from me. It's probably the same for you.

Bring in the "I'm a failure at life" ice cream.

Ok. Pity party over.

But here's the good news that I've realized. Some of their best qualities, they also get from me. Their compassion, their love of learning, their love of hugs and kisses, and their musicality.

And here's the really good part. I have wasted a lot of time wondering "Have I ruined my kids lives? Will they grow up screaming at whomever they get frustrated with? Will they ever be able to have jobs?! Are they going to end living in a van down by the river??!!" (bonus points if you catch the reference)

Here's what I realized: the Atonement of my Savior Jesus Christ is never more applicable than during parenthood. I try. I try and I try and I try. Sometimes I fail. But because of the Savior, that does not mean that I am doomed or my children doomed. I honestly, 100 percent try my best to be a good mother. And sometimes I lose my ish. Because of the atonement, though, that doesn't mean I am a bad mother and I haven't ruined my children. 

Realizing the atonement applies to parenting like any other aspect of life has taken tons of stress off me. I know I'm doing my best. My father in heaven knows I'm doing my best. My kids know I'm doing my best. We read our scriptures, we pray together, we learn together. Sometimes I screw up and I am weak when I need to be strong. But an infinitely loving Heavenly Father has given us his Son, so that's not necessarily a deal breaker.

Here's the bottom line: I know, I trust in the Atonement. So that as long as I keep trying, keep moving in the right direction, my children will not be punished for my shortcomings. They will be fine. 

Why do I tell you this? I once read an article by the National "Mom of the Year" (who I think was from Utah). Her article basically consisted of this: she admitted she used to be a yeller. She yelled at her kids a lot, until an incident that made her realize she had gone too far. Her older kids remember the "yelling mom," her younger kids never knew that mom. And that gave me hope. It gave me hope that I can change and my young children will some day forget yelling, angry mom.

I've always appreciated moms who kept it real. Who admitted they were exhausted, who admitted that being a mother sucks sometimes. It made me feel...NORMAL. So, while I try to be optimistic and happy, I'll always keep it real. So here it is. I get angry at my kids. I yell. But I'm working on it. If this is you, too, or you have some other struggle, let's work on it together and trust in the Atonement of Jesus Christ. 

Doing that, you can know that everything will be alright.