Humanists Let Live

When I wrote my last blog post about abortion, I wasn't being fully transparent. At that point, I was about 10 weeks pregnant, something we weren't quite ready to go public with yet (except to a few friends and family because I felt SO crappy). I've also had some interesting discussions with people about it since then, perhaps some revelations, as well.

Here I am, about 16 weeks along. People ask me all the time "Are you excited?" and I will answer honestly, "I'm getting there." They act a little surprised, but I'll tell the truth. I was done after two children (this is our third). I was happy to be done with diapers. Happy to be able to tell my kids to stay in their room until the sun came up and not feel bad about it. Happy with the way they interacted with eachother. Not sure I wanted to add another 6 years to our in-home parenting years.

But over the last year, my very patient husband (who isn't particularly wild about children, btw) kept dropping, "I feel like we're supposed to have another one. I feel like there's someone else who's supposed to be in this family." I was like, "Good for you. I don't." We are a very faith-based home and, while he NEVER pushed it, he told me that he had prayed and still felt it so. He said "If it were up to me, I'd say nope, but I feel like it's what we're supposed to do and I trust that. But you need to have that confirmation for yourself because you're the one who's going to be doing most of the work."

I wouldn't even pray about it. For a year, I felt conflicted (do I get rid of all the baby stuff or keep it?), but I refused to inquire. I did NOT want an answer. I knew what it would be and I didn't want it. So I never asked. Over the past year, my heart softened and I finally to a place where I could ask and feel like that's where our family should go. I had enough faith to be obedient, but not super excited about it. I got pregnant relatively quickly (confirming that inspiration, I think)...and got serious morning sickness soon after. Which also made it hard to be excited.

Our children (6 and 4) are very excited and it's helped me see what a wonderful addition this child will be to our family...but, having gone through this twice before, I know it's not easy, full of things I don't particularly enjoy, and, unfortunately, that is making me work a bit harder to be excited.

It doesn't mean that I love or will love this sweet baby any less. I just don't have that excitement or anticipation one has with their first. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but I know there are mamas out there who understand. My point in sharing that very personal experience is that there have been times (like I think many women have during pregnancy), where I was like "Oh crap. I'm not sure I want to do this." And maybe I had them more frequently than many.

However, my first real moment of excitement, my first tears of joy came at my 10 week ultrasound. On that black and gray screen I saw what was, several months ago, my empty womb. It was now occupied by someone who wasn't there a couple months ago. It was now occupied by a being that had never existed before.

"I made that. I made that little person. Until 10 weeks ago, he never existed. Now he does. Now he has life, will grow, will occupy space, will love, will cry, will create other life of his own in the future. None of that would've been possible 10 weeks ago because he didn't exist. Now he does." (*note, I call the baby a 'he' because I'm pretty sure it is, but we still don't yet. This is not an announcement to our friends and family lol).

We had created something. We had created the most wonderful something that anyone can create. Life. Human life. True, it mostly looked like a gummy bear. But that gummy bear was occupying a space that was empty, he was not only occupying that space, but he is living and growing.

It made me think of this quote and talk by Dieter F. Uchtdorf "The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul."

Despite my previous reluctance to have another child, I looked at that ultrasound and saw that precious LIFE that had been created. I felt the love of taking "unorganized matter into our hands and mold[ing] it into something of beauty." It was good. It was right. It was not just tissue.

My mind went to the conversation of abortion and, emotionally, I wondered how someone, even if undesired, could extinguish a life that had been miraculously made. A life that had never existed before...and would never exist again if terminated.

I thought about sharing my experience then, but I didn't want to be constantly talking/writing/thinking about abortion, so I just let myself enjoy the experience. I hadn't really thought about it much until a few days ago when I read about the trending #shoutyourabortion on social media. I was angry. I was disgusted. I am pretty moderate and understand that many women become pregnant in difficult circumstances, but what I saw was women shouting out with pride that they had terminated life because they "weren't ready" and "wanted to focus on their career" and I got upset. I resisted the urge to lash out with words at that point. And I'm glad I did.

B why didn't these women let this life live and give it to someone else who would've nurtured it? Why would they not sacrifice 9 months of discomfort to let this human being...be? No one has ever forced a mother to keep an unwanted child, in fact we have a huge part of government and many social agencies devoted to helping moms adopt out their children...and even take them away if it's obvious the mother does not want to do what it takes to take care of them.

What if, instead of abortions, Planned Parented (and other clinics) became the biggest facilitators of affordable adoption? They get to move on and have their careers, etc as they desire and that life gets to live and thrive with a family who wants him or her so badly.

One of the biggest lies the abortion movement has told the public is that an unborn child is "just tissue." Abortion is "just a medical procedure." As I looked at my unborn child in that ultrasound at 10 weeks, I thought "that is not just tissue. THAT is human life" and abortion is a "medical procedure" that ends that individual human life.

As I mentioned previously, I don't want to defund Planned Parenthood. I know they offer many other health services that are valuable. And it's not just about Planned Parenthood for me. It's the practice as a whole. I still think it should be made illegal (except in medically necessary situations) and we need to offer better support to women before, during, and after pregnancy.

If you haven't read this article at A Holy Experience, it summed up my feelings in a much better way then I did about how we need to do better to support the child AND the woman. It is beautiful, loving, and eloquent.

As I pondered all this and read/heard more vitriol from both sides, throwing out lines like "women's rights! My body, my choice! Women support abortion!"  etc,  I become more entrenched in my belief that, while part of me identifies as feminist, I am definitely more humanist. I considered what it means to be humanist in different situations and heard more people say that identify as humanist (especially with the hot topic of immigration, etc). But I realized that I RARELY heard anyone in the abortion debate identify as humanist. They are feminist...or not (or are feminist but still stand against abortion).

Where are the humanists? Where are the people who have "a strong interest in or concern for human welfare and dignity"? And by that I mean ALL humans. ALL human life, no matter how young. There is not qualification for being cared for by a humanist other than being human...which unborn children are. It doesn't mean we don't care and value the mother less, or wish her less dignity. That would be go against humanism. While feminism promotes that a full-grown woman is more important and valued because she is a woman. I simply can't stand by that.

Humanism means we value the human life for just being human life. We offer it dignity. We offer it support. We care. For all the humans involved. Even if that human kinda looks like a gummy bear for a little while (for didn't we all?). It's not about being "pro-birth" and dropping the humans involved like a hot potato after the placenta comes out. The love and support does not end there.

Nor does it begin there.

If you identify as a humanist, as many liberal AND conservatives do, we value the human life. We demand individuals to be respected, to be cared for...simply because of who they are. Human. Male or female. Child or adult. Infant or elderly. Black or white. It does not matter. Humanists love human life. We let life live. We appreciate the creation of human life because we value human life. We support human life because we believe everyone deserves a measure of dignity.

Is that not something we can all get on board with?

Feminism is THE "F-word" to Mormons

My daughter is of the same value to me as my son. They are equal, although not the same.
I imagine this is how Heavenly Father view us, His children. This makes me an LDS feminist.

I recently wrote an article about my disgust for a group used a bunch of young girls dropping "f-bombs" to bring attention to their feminist organization, ideas, etc. I found the use of language by young people deplorable, but I understood their complaints.

I got few responses on an LDS Facebook page to my blog and they made me scratch my head. It was obvious that several had not even read the blog. They just saw the word "Feminism" and obviously shut down and gave into knee jerk reactions that many conservatives and, especially Mormons, seem to have.

One person wrote: "I don't think equality is as important as liberty..." (and then went on to say he wants more mercy than being treated as an equal sinner, which is fine from a spiritual standpoint, but we are talking about socially here). This person (a man) has obviously never dealt with the social inequalities women face. 

Another comment was: "A truly free people cannot be equal and a truly equal people cannot be free. If you are to look at the pre-mortal realm, what was Lucifer fighting for? On the flip side, what was the plan that we fought for? That should tell where our priorities lie." Basically, comparing women who believe they are worth the same, albeit in different ways, to Satan (because Satan wanted all the glory himself? I don't quite follow that line of thinking...). I was a bit offended.

Another comment stated that the group that created the video is also the kind of group that contributes to "gender confusion."

This led me to be confused. While I disagree with the tactics of the "f-bomb for Feminism" video, I agreed with the general premise and ideas they mentioned: focus on girls' brains, not how they look; teach boys they have no right to any girls body no matter what she's wearing; women deserve to be paid based on their qualifications.

In general, I think most LDS would agree with these ideas, as well. But because the word "feminism" is attached them, we just shut down and find a reason either not to listen or not support.

There are shades of feminism, whether you are LDS or not. But we need to learn to listen to what people are ACTUALLY saying and not cover our ears as soon as we hear "feminism." I know it's hard to agree with SOME things when there are feminists and feminists groups who promote ideas we may not agree with, like certain LGBT issues, pushing for LDS women to have the priesthood, etc. But that doesn't mean we cannot agree on some things that are labeled feminist. (In fact, I think most of things aren't even feminist, they are simply...humanist). It's like claiming you couldn't be a Republican because your favorite Congressman got caught with happy feet in a certain airport bathroom.

But we do it. And no one seems to have a problem with it because "feminism" is an F word to many LDS. If you haven't seen this video of Emma Watson addressing the UN about "feminism," you need to do yourself a favor and watch it. Now.

"Feminism, by definition, is the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities," she said.

That's it. And I think that's something most LDS can get behind. Maybe you want to stay home and raise your children. Fabulous. But, maybe your neighbor does not or cannot. Should she not have the same right and opportunity to equal employment as a man? Should not your daughters be looked at as equal prospects for training and employment in the science and math fields? Shouldn't we judge the sisters we visit teach by their character and not their haircut? Would we, as LDS, have any problem fighting against female genital mutilation that takes place in some cultures? 

This might be small and minor, but something I've noticed: I do not get offered handshakes from male leaders in my congregation nearly as often as my husband (probably about half the time). Oftentimes, when I'm standing RIGHT next to him. Does this scream of social inequity? Not really. But why shouldn't I? Is my husband that much more important that HE warrants an "official" greeting, but I do not?

Or, maybe something closer to home: how about the women who are emotionally, physically, and financially abused by their husbands? Certainly, this happens in homes of every religion, including LDS (I've seen it) and it is worth being vocal against! It is worth an LDS person forgetting the stigma of the word "feminism" and standing up to say "That woman deserves the right to have more than a $100 allowance each month!" And "The mother of your children deserves more trust than you monitoring the mileage on her car and asking permission every time she goes somewhere!" And "Your children are YOUR children, too. Your wife should not have to BEG you to "babysit" them on the rare occasion she wants to go somewhere without them."

Latter-Day Saints, this kind of behavior against women is not what we, as LDS, believe is acceptable treatment of women. We need to stand up and say, "Your wife should have equal access money to get what she needs and the family needs." We need to say, "You CANNOT play video games all night long while your wife struggles to keep her head above water with the kids." We need to say, "You are partners. You are EQUAL."

This should not be unnatural for us. When people accuse the Church of sexism, I have often told them, "Men are held to the same sexual and moral standards as women. There is no different in standards between the sexes." True, women cannot have the priesthood and I am not arguing that they should because that is a doctrinal issue (but I do believe women could and should have more leadership within the Church without the priesthood; different topic for a different day). BUT, we as LDS should be able to vocally say, "I believe my mom, my sister, my wife, my daughter should have equal rights and opportunities as men and boys. They should not be reduced to the parts of their bodies, the way the look, etc." 

That is feminism and, while we don't have to take it as far as many do, I believe we should be able to comfortably say, "I'm Mormon and I'm a feminist because I believe women have EQUAL VALUE as men." We don't have to say that men and women are the same because we are not the same (thank goodness). But we can be feminist in the way that we believe women's intrinsic value, women's contributions, and women's potential has equal VALUE and deserves EQUAL opportunity to be considered and to grow as men's. 

And that's why I'll confidently say I am a feminist because:

• I believe women should be paid as equals of men for the time spent in the office (I understand women leave the workforce to have children and, except for leaves of absence, they should be paid the same).
• I believe women should not be reduced to the size of their booty, type of purse, hair type, waist size, etc.
• I believe women are responsible for their own actions. I also believe men are responsible for their actions towards women and no one should ever say "She was asking for it" when a woman is raped.
• I believe women to be incredibly capable leaders in whatever arena they choose to be in and no one should say "Real women stay home" or "real women go to work" or "real women have curves" or "real women work out" or whatever. Women should be themselves. Their best selves. And we should stop judging them/each other.
• I believe women have the right to question the status quo without being labeled "a radical feminist." 
• I believe women should be respected as human beings.
• I believe women should be honored, protected, and respected...the same as how men should be honored, protected, and respected.
• I will raise my daughter to be strong, opinionated, educated, and that she is NO LESS than her brother.

If you believe things like this (and others), you may be a feminist, too.

No Bombs for Feminism, Not Even Children's F-Bombs

I have lots of problems with this video clip. In fact, I hate this (and I don't "hate" much). And, yes, I see the irony that I use the word "hate" when this is an anti-hate group. Whatever.

I have very few problems with the premise of the clip: of course, we need to teach our boys that it doesn't matter what a girl is wearing, they have no "rights" to her body, women deserve equal pay for the time they are in the office, etc.

In the press release about the video where little girls drop f-bombs to prove a point, the company who produced it says this, "Asking the question, “What’s more offensive? A little girl saying f*ck or the sexist way society treats girls and women” these adorably articulate little ladies in sparkling tiaras turn the “princess in distress” stereotype on its head and contrast the F-word with words and statistics society should find shocking such as “pay inequality” and “rape.” 

And, in response, I will ask "What's more offensive? Exploiting these "articulate" little girls and asking them to drop f-bombs to prove a point or pretending it's for anything but increasing their revenues?" Because it certainly won't garner support for their cause from anyone who doesn't already support it. I mean, I support it (in theory) and I'm REALLY put off by this.

Don't get me wrong, I live in the world of little girls. I have a 5 year old daughter who WANTED to dress up like a princess for the last 4 years, despite my best efforts and much to my shagrin. 

I also live in a world where little girls are offered sexualized Halloween costumes (yes, as young as 4 and 5 years old). I live in a world where parents seem eager to get their kids to grow up quickly and, as a result, strip away their innocence. An innocence that seems bombarded even by the Disney channel.

I also understand the challenges of being a woman in our society. I was fired for being pregnant (basically). I've experienced obvious and subversive sexism in the workplace...and every place. I think women should be paid equally for the amount of time they are in the office. I think we should have better maternity policies. Etc, etc.

But do the creators of this video actually thing this helps the cause? Because it doesn't. Do they think the future of this cause is teaching our daughters to be crude, coarse, and rude? Because if that's the future of gender equality (which, granted may mean something different to them than it does to me), than I want very little to do with it.

It's embarrassing.

This video made me think of a quote that has seriously shaped that kind of woman I am and want to be: "The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined."

Call me old fashioned. But I've been that cut-throat, cursing, coarse woman. And I hated it; I didn't realize it, but I did. I was always stressed out. I worried about appearing weak, about appearing to be less than my male peers. And as someone who's identity relied on being strong, I didn't see any other way. Then I realized it just wasn't working. It wasn't working for me. Even before I became a mom, I realized that I am more ME, I am more WOMAN, I am more PERSUASIVE, I have more INFLUENCE when I am tender, kind, refined, and COMPASSIONATE. And it's not because I'm a push over (my parents and husband think I suffer from Oppositional Defiance Disorder; I probably do).

Be firm. Be opinionated. Be respectful. OMG, be civilized!

Would I wash my daughter's mouth out with soap if she used the f-bomb in support of equal pay for women? You betcha. Because all that does is degrade her as a person and certainly does not garner support for an important issue. You want to raise awareness and gain more support for women's issues? Than use Emma Watson's speech to the UN as an example.

Don't drop f-bombs for feminism. In fact, don't drop f-bombs at all! I'm trying to find a way for this blog not to turn into an etiquette and manners issue...but maybe that's what our society needs. Apparently we want our women coarse and hard. But now we want our children to be that way? And it's not just this video; there are thousands (millions?) of clips on the internet of children beating up kids (and adults), swearing, doing adult things, etc...and their a parents laugh. They approve. They encourage.

I hate hearing men or women speaking (and acting) in such a way. Why? Because it devalues them and what they're talking about. How can you take anyone seriously when they're all like "Eff that! Eff you!"? My reaction when I hear children using language like this? I cringe. I literally cringe. They use it because they've heard it. They've been exposed to ugliness. Children should not be exposed to ugliness and they should not be used as tools to spread such ugliness. These children should be taught better. They can BE better.

Other than getting children to do our dirty work in a dirty way, how else can we catalyze the changes that our world needs? I love this quote: “Be a Mother who is committed to loving her children into standing on higher ground than the environment surrounding them,” Marjorie Pay Hinckley.

And this isn't just for mothers. It's for anyone who deals with children. For any kind of mentor of any kind of developing person. Love children in ways that makes them want to be better than the world we live in. Then our boys won't ever say "Well, she asked for it." Husbands won't hit their wives, employers will want to do right by all their employees.

You can't f-bomb your way to that result. You just can't.

The World's Hatred of Women

This post may be a little behind but it's one that I've been rolling over in my mind for a couple months now, since a particular event occurred.

The event to which I refer happened in May when a "virgin" shooter (isn't that a catchy name the media gave him?)  targeted women of sorority house at the University of California Santa Barbara. I was sickened to hear the specifics of how this man specifically targeted women for all the difficulties he perceived he had with the opposite sex during his short life (even shorter if you consider he probably wasn't physically sexually mature for more than 5-6 years). His hatred for these "sluts" (read: all women) was so intense he wanted to "punish them for not being attracted to me."

Sickened.

I was sickened for the lives of those who were directly impacted simply for being a woman. I was sickened to think about raising my children in a world where violence is an all-too-common response to frustration. I was sickened for my daughter who must grow up in a world where men EXPECT women to have sex with them and it is "weird" (or even "wicked") for them not to.

As an LDS woman, I have been reading, hearing, and discussing much on the role of women in the church (see my previous post about women and the priesthood), so my mind naturally tried to find some connection between this emotional story and what had been on my mind so much recently.

And here's what I came up with: as much as feminists (and those who oppose the church on whatever gender issue) try, they can never say the church hates women as much as the rest of the world does. Yes, I've seen people say the church hates women. But, why then, do I feel the best refuge for my daughter is within the fold of the church?

Because the gospel teaches the "why" of women; the divine reason for women. To lead His children back to Him. To serve, to love, to be pillars of the community, to study, to pray, to teach, to be mothers (and have mother hearts for those who are not mothers in this life), to be companions, and more.

The "why" of women in the world is to do whatever they want, to focus on oneself and just make yourself happy, sexual freedom, etc. In fact, there isn't really a "why" for women in the world...which is perhaps why there many problems. You cannot have a purpose without knowing why.

Men have come to think that it's ok to use women's sexual freedom for their own gratifications (of course, who are most women going to practice their freedom with?) and, so, have come to expect it, even when they have no right to. One night stands, children without commitment, etc. Men expect women to have sex with them...even if they don't really want to because that's what modern, Sex in the City, sexually freed women do.

Like this shooter. He expected sex. He expected women to be attracted to him. And when it didn't happen, he took his frustration out on them. Certainly this is not the fault of a woman or women, in general. And certainly almost everyone condemns his actions, but HOW did this happen? How is that we still battle the issue of rape and other domestic violence against women when, apparently, gender issues have made such "progress"?

It is a cultural failure. In a culture where an NFL player gets only two game suspension for beating a woman 1/3 his size into unconsciousness (his then fiance and now wife...don't even get me started) or you can get a longer sentence for playing online poker than sexual assault (at least in my state), what do we expect? Seriously, what do the stories on the news tell us about how the secular world values women?! In our increasingly secular culture, we treat women as something fun for a one-night stand, not a creature of intrinsic, divine value. Never is there a story about a woman giving up her time, talents, and energy to improve the world because, really, the world doesn't care about that. We care about sexy women. Successful women. We care about Kardashians (full disclosure, we have been known to watch an episode or two).

To me, THAT is a culture that hates women. Or at least one that does not regard them highly.

My hope lies in raising my daughter in an LDS culture where, it's true, she may never be bishop, but she will certainly know she's good for more than a good time or even a prestigious corporate career where she can be labeled "a successful woman." Some feminists may say, "But that's the subtle sexism that will keep women in the church down." Perhaps. But being a woman, a mother, a wife in the church is more than position of leadership. It just is more. It is a divine "why." And those who are part of the church can understand the "why" of women in the church is much more profound than the "why" of women that the world offers.

I'm not usually a "The world is evil and we're all doomed!" kind of person, but when I look at the way I feel valued as a woman in the church (even though I can't hold the priesthood) and the way the world values women, I cannot help but be extremely grateful for the opportunity to raise my daughter in the church.