Feminism is THE "F-word" to Mormons

My daughter is of the same value to me as my son. They are equal, although not the same.
I imagine this is how Heavenly Father view us, His children. This makes me an LDS feminist.

I recently wrote an article about my disgust for a group used a bunch of young girls dropping "f-bombs" to bring attention to their feminist organization, ideas, etc. I found the use of language by young people deplorable, but I understood their complaints.

I got few responses on an LDS Facebook page to my blog and they made me scratch my head. It was obvious that several had not even read the blog. They just saw the word "Feminism" and obviously shut down and gave into knee jerk reactions that many conservatives and, especially Mormons, seem to have.

One person wrote: "I don't think equality is as important as liberty..." (and then went on to say he wants more mercy than being treated as an equal sinner, which is fine from a spiritual standpoint, but we are talking about socially here). This person (a man) has obviously never dealt with the social inequalities women face. 

Another comment was: "A truly free people cannot be equal and a truly equal people cannot be free. If you are to look at the pre-mortal realm, what was Lucifer fighting for? On the flip side, what was the plan that we fought for? That should tell where our priorities lie." Basically, comparing women who believe they are worth the same, albeit in different ways, to Satan (because Satan wanted all the glory himself? I don't quite follow that line of thinking...). I was a bit offended.

Another comment stated that the group that created the video is also the kind of group that contributes to "gender confusion."

This led me to be confused. While I disagree with the tactics of the "f-bomb for Feminism" video, I agreed with the general premise and ideas they mentioned: focus on girls' brains, not how they look; teach boys they have no right to any girls body no matter what she's wearing; women deserve to be paid based on their qualifications.

In general, I think most LDS would agree with these ideas, as well. But because the word "feminism" is attached them, we just shut down and find a reason either not to listen or not support.

There are shades of feminism, whether you are LDS or not. But we need to learn to listen to what people are ACTUALLY saying and not cover our ears as soon as we hear "feminism." I know it's hard to agree with SOME things when there are feminists and feminists groups who promote ideas we may not agree with, like certain LGBT issues, pushing for LDS women to have the priesthood, etc. But that doesn't mean we cannot agree on some things that are labeled feminist. (In fact, I think most of things aren't even feminist, they are simply...humanist). It's like claiming you couldn't be a Republican because your favorite Congressman got caught with happy feet in a certain airport bathroom.

But we do it. And no one seems to have a problem with it because "feminism" is an F word to many LDS. If you haven't seen this video of Emma Watson addressing the UN about "feminism," you need to do yourself a favor and watch it. Now.

"Feminism, by definition, is the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities," she said.

That's it. And I think that's something most LDS can get behind. Maybe you want to stay home and raise your children. Fabulous. But, maybe your neighbor does not or cannot. Should she not have the same right and opportunity to equal employment as a man? Should not your daughters be looked at as equal prospects for training and employment in the science and math fields? Shouldn't we judge the sisters we visit teach by their character and not their haircut? Would we, as LDS, have any problem fighting against female genital mutilation that takes place in some cultures? 

This might be small and minor, but something I've noticed: I do not get offered handshakes from male leaders in my congregation nearly as often as my husband (probably about half the time). Oftentimes, when I'm standing RIGHT next to him. Does this scream of social inequity? Not really. But why shouldn't I? Is my husband that much more important that HE warrants an "official" greeting, but I do not?

Or, maybe something closer to home: how about the women who are emotionally, physically, and financially abused by their husbands? Certainly, this happens in homes of every religion, including LDS (I've seen it) and it is worth being vocal against! It is worth an LDS person forgetting the stigma of the word "feminism" and standing up to say "That woman deserves the right to have more than a $100 allowance each month!" And "The mother of your children deserves more trust than you monitoring the mileage on her car and asking permission every time she goes somewhere!" And "Your children are YOUR children, too. Your wife should not have to BEG you to "babysit" them on the rare occasion she wants to go somewhere without them."

Latter-Day Saints, this kind of behavior against women is not what we, as LDS, believe is acceptable treatment of women. We need to stand up and say, "Your wife should have equal access money to get what she needs and the family needs." We need to say, "You CANNOT play video games all night long while your wife struggles to keep her head above water with the kids." We need to say, "You are partners. You are EQUAL."

This should not be unnatural for us. When people accuse the Church of sexism, I have often told them, "Men are held to the same sexual and moral standards as women. There is no different in standards between the sexes." True, women cannot have the priesthood and I am not arguing that they should because that is a doctrinal issue (but I do believe women could and should have more leadership within the Church without the priesthood; different topic for a different day). BUT, we as LDS should be able to vocally say, "I believe my mom, my sister, my wife, my daughter should have equal rights and opportunities as men and boys. They should not be reduced to the parts of their bodies, the way the look, etc." 

That is feminism and, while we don't have to take it as far as many do, I believe we should be able to comfortably say, "I'm Mormon and I'm a feminist because I believe women have EQUAL VALUE as men." We don't have to say that men and women are the same because we are not the same (thank goodness). But we can be feminist in the way that we believe women's intrinsic value, women's contributions, and women's potential has equal VALUE and deserves EQUAL opportunity to be considered and to grow as men's. 

And that's why I'll confidently say I am a feminist because:

• I believe women should be paid as equals of men for the time spent in the office (I understand women leave the workforce to have children and, except for leaves of absence, they should be paid the same).
• I believe women should not be reduced to the size of their booty, type of purse, hair type, waist size, etc.
• I believe women are responsible for their own actions. I also believe men are responsible for their actions towards women and no one should ever say "She was asking for it" when a woman is raped.
• I believe women to be incredibly capable leaders in whatever arena they choose to be in and no one should say "Real women stay home" or "real women go to work" or "real women have curves" or "real women work out" or whatever. Women should be themselves. Their best selves. And we should stop judging them/each other.
• I believe women have the right to question the status quo without being labeled "a radical feminist." 
• I believe women should be respected as human beings.
• I believe women should be honored, protected, and respected...the same as how men should be honored, protected, and respected.
• I will raise my daughter to be strong, opinionated, educated, and that she is NO LESS than her brother.

If you believe things like this (and others), you may be a feminist, too.

No Bombs for Feminism, Not Even Children's F-Bombs

I have lots of problems with this video clip. In fact, I hate this (and I don't "hate" much). And, yes, I see the irony that I use the word "hate" when this is an anti-hate group. Whatever.

I have very few problems with the premise of the clip: of course, we need to teach our boys that it doesn't matter what a girl is wearing, they have no "rights" to her body, women deserve equal pay for the time they are in the office, etc.

In the press release about the video where little girls drop f-bombs to prove a point, the company who produced it says this, "Asking the question, “What’s more offensive? A little girl saying f*ck or the sexist way society treats girls and women” these adorably articulate little ladies in sparkling tiaras turn the “princess in distress” stereotype on its head and contrast the F-word with words and statistics society should find shocking such as “pay inequality” and “rape.” 

And, in response, I will ask "What's more offensive? Exploiting these "articulate" little girls and asking them to drop f-bombs to prove a point or pretending it's for anything but increasing their revenues?" Because it certainly won't garner support for their cause from anyone who doesn't already support it. I mean, I support it (in theory) and I'm REALLY put off by this.

Don't get me wrong, I live in the world of little girls. I have a 5 year old daughter who WANTED to dress up like a princess for the last 4 years, despite my best efforts and much to my shagrin. 

I also live in a world where little girls are offered sexualized Halloween costumes (yes, as young as 4 and 5 years old). I live in a world where parents seem eager to get their kids to grow up quickly and, as a result, strip away their innocence. An innocence that seems bombarded even by the Disney channel.

I also understand the challenges of being a woman in our society. I was fired for being pregnant (basically). I've experienced obvious and subversive sexism in the workplace...and every place. I think women should be paid equally for the amount of time they are in the office. I think we should have better maternity policies. Etc, etc.

But do the creators of this video actually thing this helps the cause? Because it doesn't. Do they think the future of this cause is teaching our daughters to be crude, coarse, and rude? Because if that's the future of gender equality (which, granted may mean something different to them than it does to me), than I want very little to do with it.

It's embarrassing.

This video made me think of a quote that has seriously shaped that kind of woman I am and want to be: "The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined."

Call me old fashioned. But I've been that cut-throat, cursing, coarse woman. And I hated it; I didn't realize it, but I did. I was always stressed out. I worried about appearing weak, about appearing to be less than my male peers. And as someone who's identity relied on being strong, I didn't see any other way. Then I realized it just wasn't working. It wasn't working for me. Even before I became a mom, I realized that I am more ME, I am more WOMAN, I am more PERSUASIVE, I have more INFLUENCE when I am tender, kind, refined, and COMPASSIONATE. And it's not because I'm a push over (my parents and husband think I suffer from Oppositional Defiance Disorder; I probably do).

Be firm. Be opinionated. Be respectful. OMG, be civilized!

Would I wash my daughter's mouth out with soap if she used the f-bomb in support of equal pay for women? You betcha. Because all that does is degrade her as a person and certainly does not garner support for an important issue. You want to raise awareness and gain more support for women's issues? Than use Emma Watson's speech to the UN as an example.

Don't drop f-bombs for feminism. In fact, don't drop f-bombs at all! I'm trying to find a way for this blog not to turn into an etiquette and manners issue...but maybe that's what our society needs. Apparently we want our women coarse and hard. But now we want our children to be that way? And it's not just this video; there are thousands (millions?) of clips on the internet of children beating up kids (and adults), swearing, doing adult things, etc...and their a parents laugh. They approve. They encourage.

I hate hearing men or women speaking (and acting) in such a way. Why? Because it devalues them and what they're talking about. How can you take anyone seriously when they're all like "Eff that! Eff you!"? My reaction when I hear children using language like this? I cringe. I literally cringe. They use it because they've heard it. They've been exposed to ugliness. Children should not be exposed to ugliness and they should not be used as tools to spread such ugliness. These children should be taught better. They can BE better.

Other than getting children to do our dirty work in a dirty way, how else can we catalyze the changes that our world needs? I love this quote: “Be a Mother who is committed to loving her children into standing on higher ground than the environment surrounding them,” Marjorie Pay Hinckley.

And this isn't just for mothers. It's for anyone who deals with children. For any kind of mentor of any kind of developing person. Love children in ways that makes them want to be better than the world we live in. Then our boys won't ever say "Well, she asked for it." Husbands won't hit their wives, employers will want to do right by all their employees.

You can't f-bomb your way to that result. You just can't.

The Atonement Overcomes Motherly Anger

"Anger is not an expression of strength. It is an indication of one’s inability to control his thoughts, words, his emotions. Of course it is easy to get angry. When the weakness of anger takes over, the strength of reason leaves. Cultivate within yourselves the might power of self-discipline."-Gordon B. Hinckley.

Who could get angry at these cutie patooties?!

Hi. My name is Vanessa. I'm a wife. I'm a mom. And I get angry. 

Not "call-CPS!" angry. But definitely un-Christlike anger. And usually at the most Christlike beings I'm in contact with: my children.

I've been known to yell. I'm working on it. I've been known to scream occasionally. I'm working on it. I've been known to throw things (not in front of my kids...unless it was toys or clothes I'd begged them to pick up for days).

And I cry. I weep for this weakness I have not yet been strong enough to overcome. I apologize to my children and ask for their forgiveness and explain that mommy should not have yelled. I kneel down at my bedside and pray to my Father in Heaven who blessed me with these children and ask His forgiveness. Why do allow myself to rarely get angry with other people...often going to great lengths to try to understand their point of view, but start yelling at my kids after they continue to get down from the table and run around for the 10th time while we try to eat dinner as a family?

I have gotten better, though. What pushes me to be better and not just throw up my hands? Other than just trying to continually improve myself it is this: they yell and scream at each other and me now. It is embarrassing and humbling. As far as I can tell, it's too late for my 5 year old who has seen too little too late in my improvement with patience. Yesterday she SCREAMED at her brother for not joining in her celebration that both kids had buckled their seat belts before I had. Poor brother.

There is no part of parenting that is scarier or more humbling than realizing that your children are a mirror of you. The qualities or actions in my children that are most frustrating to me as a parent? Yeah, they got that from me. It's probably the same for you.

Bring in the "I'm a failure at life" ice cream.

Ok. Pity party over.

But here's the good news that I've realized. Some of their best qualities, they also get from me. Their compassion, their love of learning, their love of hugs and kisses, and their musicality.

And here's the really good part. I have wasted a lot of time wondering "Have I ruined my kids lives? Will they grow up screaming at whomever they get frustrated with? Will they ever be able to have jobs?! Are they going to end living in a van down by the river??!!" (bonus points if you catch the reference)

Here's what I realized: the Atonement of my Savior Jesus Christ is never more applicable than during parenthood. I try. I try and I try and I try. Sometimes I fail. But because of the Savior, that does not mean that I am doomed or my children doomed. I honestly, 100 percent try my best to be a good mother. And sometimes I lose my ish. Because of the atonement, though, that doesn't mean I am a bad mother and I haven't ruined my children. 

Realizing the atonement applies to parenting like any other aspect of life has taken tons of stress off me. I know I'm doing my best. My father in heaven knows I'm doing my best. My kids know I'm doing my best. We read our scriptures, we pray together, we learn together. Sometimes I screw up and I am weak when I need to be strong. But an infinitely loving Heavenly Father has given us his Son, so that's not necessarily a deal breaker.

Here's the bottom line: I know, I trust in the Atonement. So that as long as I keep trying, keep moving in the right direction, my children will not be punished for my shortcomings. They will be fine. 

Why do I tell you this? I once read an article by the National "Mom of the Year" (who I think was from Utah). Her article basically consisted of this: she admitted she used to be a yeller. She yelled at her kids a lot, until an incident that made her realize she had gone too far. Her older kids remember the "yelling mom," her younger kids never knew that mom. And that gave me hope. It gave me hope that I can change and my young children will some day forget yelling, angry mom.

I've always appreciated moms who kept it real. Who admitted they were exhausted, who admitted that being a mother sucks sometimes. It made me feel...NORMAL. So, while I try to be optimistic and happy, I'll always keep it real. So here it is. I get angry at my kids. I yell. But I'm working on it. If this is you, too, or you have some other struggle, let's work on it together and trust in the Atonement of Jesus Christ. 

Doing that, you can know that everything will be alright.