The story of a crass restaurant owner vs a vicious "demon" of a 21 month year old is all over the interwebs.
I'll admit, when the story first came out and I hadn't read into the details, I sided with the Darla Neugebaur, the owner of the diner. I certainly have my opinions on current parenting trends (ie I think parents don't let their kids take enough chances, make them soft, too much technology, etc). However, with those issues are other more positive ones: more present parenting, the benefits of early education, mothers/fathers sharing child rearing duties more equally, etc.
I was fully prepared to jump on the "those irresponsible parents should've taken their screaming child out" bandwagon.
However, the more I read about this story, the more uncomfortable I became with that. For the purpose of this article let's just assume that the child was being loud (not screaming at the top of her lungs for 30 minutes like the owner said but more than a one-time whimper...somewhere in the middle lies the truth). I read somewhere (albeit I couldn't find the original source) that other customers said the child wasn't being all that disruptive but cried/complained for about 5 minutes.
But that's neither here nor there. Let's assume the parents should have taken the child out as many think they should have and, honestly, as I probably would've (and have) done.
But they didn't.
And apparently that warrants a verbal assault and borderline physical threat on Facebook.
And people are applauding this woman because the public has a right to eat their overpriced pancakes without the presence of unhappy children more than a child has a right to...be a child...or parents have a right to make an error in judgment.
Then it got kind of sickening.
I completely understand the ignorant comments from people who don't have children (including the owner of this diner). "If I had kids, I would NEVER let them make a peep in a restaurant" bla bla bla. Seriously, shut it. You have no idea what it's like to vacation with a toddler. My six year old was a volatile, terrible sleeper of a toddler. And, oh, vacations. It was the worst on vacation. So seriously, shut it.
But the worst is coming from other parents. To read the judgement when there should be compassion is...heartbreaking. "My child/grandchild ALWAYS behaved in public..." and "We taught our children to bla bla bla." You, my friends, are full of crap or have forgotten what it's like to have toddlers. *Note: child care workers, it doesn't count when it's other people's kids because kids ALWAYS behave better for other adults.
And let's remember that not all children are the same. There are very mild-mannered, quiet children. And there are children, well, like mine. They speak their mind and when they've made up their mind about something there is very little amount of righteous bribery that will sway them. This personality trait will serve them well later in life, but it sure makes them hard to parent and, yes, take out in public sometimes. As they've gotten older, of course, it's gotten easier, but at 21 months? Goodness sakes. And on vacation? Yikes.
Some have commented, "Well, you people don't understand. My child has ADHD/autism/etc..." and then the response is usually "Oh, well, you're probably doing the best you can do. We don't fault parents of kids with special needs..." Let me tell ya something: all 21 month olds have ADHD and special needs. They aren't reasoning, thinking people yet. They feel hunger, they cry. They feel stress, the cry. And how do you know this child doesn't have special needs? Maybe the parents don't even know yet. The point is you DON'T KNOW, so take the owner's advice and shut the hell up.
For the folks saying, "Well, then you shouldn't take them out in public." Srsly? You are probably the same people without children who go on about how kids these days are so sheltered, have no life-experiences, no manners, bla bla bla. How are kids supposed to get those experiences and learn if we just lock them up? And for that matter, how are these parents supposed to learn?
I guess that's what I'm getting at. Assuming the parents should've taken their child out of the restaurant, why can't we just sum that up as a parenting misjudgment instead of putting them on blast as "the problem with parents in today's age." You, without kids: you don't get a say. You, with kids: I'm sure you've made as many parenting mistakes as I have and as the parents in this story have. And instead of saying, "Man, I've been there" or "We all make mistakes, chin up," we're lining up to say "I raised my child to never misbehave in public, which proves I'm doing something right..." which you really probably wrote just to make yourself feel better about all times you've screwed up. Some publicly, most privately.
And to those of you jumped on the "I'm with the owner, kids in restaurants are the worst!" bandwagon, did you even read what she ADMITTED she did? She screamed at a toddler to "shut the hell up." She went on her business Facebook account using foul and crude language to lambast these people and their TODDLER, threatened them, complained about making THREE pancakes (and, omg, pancakes do not take that long to make, especially when the batter is already made), she called the toddler rotten and demon (which she based on this one encounter), told the husband he didn't have any balls, and admitted she thrived on hate.
You want to be on the side of that? I don't care how awful the child's behavior was. Chalk it up to a bad day in the service industry and move on. But people are applauding her for standing up for "people's god-given right to have brunch without disruption." Yes, perhaps the parents should've taken their child out and it's her private business and she can do whatever she wants, but to applaud such disgusting behavior is beyond me. To applaud the verbal assault and online bullying of this family is semi-horrifying. Whatever "rightness" Neugebaur had, she lost in the delivery. Now she's just wrong.
It seems to me that we have put an individual's right to eat overpriced pancakes undisturbed and a disturbed GROWN-ASS woman's right to scream at a toddler over a child's innocence. And over parents who simply made a misjudgment and are probably trying to do their best.
Neugebaur is right. No one needs 3 full-sized pancakes. But we could all dish out a bit more compassion and less judgement.
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Monday, June 29, 2015
The Lord's Evaluation of Life Does Not Include Convincing People Gay Marriage is Wrong
When I was applying to become a Resident Advisor before my sophomore year of college, they ran applicants through a series of screenings. The one I remember was a group discussion about a controversial topic (if memory serves, the topic was actually about residents' right to hang a Confederate flag in their room/window even as it offended other residents). I was ready. In my young mind, I knew I was right and I was ready to show all those evaluating me how smart, quick, assertive, and correct I was. I thought I did pretty well showing everyone how correct I was.
A little while later I received my evaluation, including the criteria of what I was being evaluated on...and a notice that I had been put on the "wait-list" for the job. What?! Hadn't they seen how brilliant I was? Didn't they see how right I was and how boldly I stood up for what was right?!
Turns out, they didn't really care. Being "right" wasn't listed as one of the criteria. However, genuinely listening, not interrupting, etc. WERE some of the criteria. I felt like a fool. I replayed in my mind the times and I had let myself be incredulous at someone's opinion or interrupted or completely shut them down. This was the first time in my life where I realized that in SO many situations it really doesn't matter what you say (even if it's right), it matters HOW you listen and HOW you express yourself.
In the days following the Supreme Court ruling to grant gay couples the right to be married, I have thought of my experience of evaluation of expression many times. For both sides. And it made me wonder, does the Lord really care about politics? Does the Lord really care about the Supreme Court ruling? Does He care whether we voluntarily take care of the poor or we put in place a government that "forces" us to do it as long as the poor are taken care of?
Perhaps the evaluation of our lives is more about HOW we conduct ourselves in relation to others and, of course, our own personal obedience to the ordinances and principals of truth that we know. I would imagine on the Lord's syllabus for our lives, there isn't one bullet point where it says, "Convinced at least 2 people via Facebook that gay marriage is wrong."
As an LDS born and raised where Mormons are the minority (in fact, where religion in general is a minority), maybe I'm just used to being around people who believe differently than me. In fact, no matter we live, we should be kind of used to it. I rarely see Mormons condemning people who choose to drink alcohol. I rarely see Mormons condemning people who have children before they are married. I rarely see Mormons telling people to "take our country back" because pretty much every store everywhere is open on Sundays. These are all things we believe strongly in, so why don't we do it? Because we also know that life is complicated and it is completely unreasonable to hold all people to a standard they don't believe in. It's a losing fight and, honestly, a waste of energy I need to be putting into my own spirituality and my own family. THAT is how the kingdom is established; not politics. And definitely not the interwebs.
I will boldly and lovingly state what I believe in an appropriate place and time...and then let people choose.
I remember having a religious discussion with a friend from high school who asked what Mormons believe about homosexuality and gay marriage. I told her in as a respectful but firm way as possible. A time later she told me she was gay and I panicked remembering our discussion and wracked my brain for anything I could've said that might have hurt her...because she was my friend from childhood and I love her. I was relieved when I realized I didn't say anything I would take back and nothing that caused her to not want to be my friend even though we disagreed. In fact, she was a Mormon defender when she moved to the South and people would make comments :)
But this is how we should conduct ourselves. On both sides. I didn't say what I said to hurt her, but we knew where each other stood...and then we continued on being friends! There was no trying to convince each other. In fact, we need to get ourselves out of the convincing business, my dear LDS. Talk about what we have, what we know, and then let others decide. Some will say yes, some will say no. And the one's who say no, well, that's not on us anymore. So just continue to love on but move on from it. Trying to convince people hardly ever works. With anything.
But let me tell you this: the work of the Lord will go on. There is no need to fear or freak out or tell people they are going to hell or (my personal favorite) "gay marriage is satanic." I remember in the midst of dealing with a broken heart over an ex-boyfriend who just couldn't see the merits of becoming LDS to be with me forever (I was a dumb college girl), I told my father, "But he would make such a good Mormon!" My dad calmly replied, "Vanessa, the work will go forth without him. The stone will not stop rolling because he didn't join the Church." THAT was stick of truth that smacked me in the head, big time.
That is my sentiment to you, my fine LDS. The work will go forth with or without gay marriage. So perhaps, you should consider the fact that, no matter how right you think you are, you are being evaluated on HOW you say what you say...and not actually being right.
Honestly, I don't know what the Lord thinks of a temporal government granting a legal marriage to gay couples. And neither do you. Making judgement calls like that is above my pay grade and it's above yours. So don't do it. Believe in traditional marriage. Stand for Celestial marriage. But do not pretend to know what your Father in Heaven thinks of people in a situation you do not understand. We are not called to do that.
Focus on what you know is on the evaluation (ie YOUR covenants) and remember, there is no requirement for convincing people via Facebook.
Turns out, they didn't really care. Being "right" wasn't listed as one of the criteria. However, genuinely listening, not interrupting, etc. WERE some of the criteria. I felt like a fool. I replayed in my mind the times and I had let myself be incredulous at someone's opinion or interrupted or completely shut them down. This was the first time in my life where I realized that in SO many situations it really doesn't matter what you say (even if it's right), it matters HOW you listen and HOW you express yourself.
In the days following the Supreme Court ruling to grant gay couples the right to be married, I have thought of my experience of evaluation of expression many times. For both sides. And it made me wonder, does the Lord really care about politics? Does the Lord really care about the Supreme Court ruling? Does He care whether we voluntarily take care of the poor or we put in place a government that "forces" us to do it as long as the poor are taken care of?
Perhaps the evaluation of our lives is more about HOW we conduct ourselves in relation to others and, of course, our own personal obedience to the ordinances and principals of truth that we know. I would imagine on the Lord's syllabus for our lives, there isn't one bullet point where it says, "Convinced at least 2 people via Facebook that gay marriage is wrong."
As an LDS born and raised where Mormons are the minority (in fact, where religion in general is a minority), maybe I'm just used to being around people who believe differently than me. In fact, no matter we live, we should be kind of used to it. I rarely see Mormons condemning people who choose to drink alcohol. I rarely see Mormons condemning people who have children before they are married. I rarely see Mormons telling people to "take our country back" because pretty much every store everywhere is open on Sundays. These are all things we believe strongly in, so why don't we do it? Because we also know that life is complicated and it is completely unreasonable to hold all people to a standard they don't believe in. It's a losing fight and, honestly, a waste of energy I need to be putting into my own spirituality and my own family. THAT is how the kingdom is established; not politics. And definitely not the interwebs.
I will boldly and lovingly state what I believe in an appropriate place and time...and then let people choose.
I remember having a religious discussion with a friend from high school who asked what Mormons believe about homosexuality and gay marriage. I told her in as a respectful but firm way as possible. A time later she told me she was gay and I panicked remembering our discussion and wracked my brain for anything I could've said that might have hurt her...because she was my friend from childhood and I love her. I was relieved when I realized I didn't say anything I would take back and nothing that caused her to not want to be my friend even though we disagreed. In fact, she was a Mormon defender when she moved to the South and people would make comments :)
But this is how we should conduct ourselves. On both sides. I didn't say what I said to hurt her, but we knew where each other stood...and then we continued on being friends! There was no trying to convince each other. In fact, we need to get ourselves out of the convincing business, my dear LDS. Talk about what we have, what we know, and then let others decide. Some will say yes, some will say no. And the one's who say no, well, that's not on us anymore. So just continue to love on but move on from it. Trying to convince people hardly ever works. With anything.
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| The work will go forth, do not panic. |
That is my sentiment to you, my fine LDS. The work will go forth with or without gay marriage. So perhaps, you should consider the fact that, no matter how right you think you are, you are being evaluated on HOW you say what you say...and not actually being right.
Honestly, I don't know what the Lord thinks of a temporal government granting a legal marriage to gay couples. And neither do you. Making judgement calls like that is above my pay grade and it's above yours. So don't do it. Believe in traditional marriage. Stand for Celestial marriage. But do not pretend to know what your Father in Heaven thinks of people in a situation you do not understand. We are not called to do that.
Focus on what you know is on the evaluation (ie YOUR covenants) and remember, there is no requirement for convincing people via Facebook.
Monday, March 23, 2015
Enduring (Well) Motherhood
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| A photo I took of topped tulips. Sometimes I feel like that. |
I have...not easy children. I love them dearly. But they are both strong-willed, high-energy, one is really high strung, etc. We've been sick, we've had a couple disappointments, dad has been gone a lot, etc.
It was kind of a negative blog. Cathartic, but a downer.
I found myself pondering my rantings and I didn't like it. I thought, "Man, if I want something "more" why don't I just invest that time and energy into being a "more," better mom, homemaker, educator of my kids?" So last week I tried more. Just a little bit. I made a schedule of each day (one of my biggest struggles because each day is very different...yet very the same), planned ideas of things to do in case of "dull" moments so the whole day wouldn't be filled with tv (major source of guilt), etc and we had a more fulfilling week.
As I pondered this and other things, my mind turned to the idea of persistence. I turned to my scriptures but the word "persistence" does not really exist in them (that I could find).
However the word "endure" does. And that made me think of a talk by one of our LDS apostles all about "Enduring it Well". I was just enduring motherhood for the most part recently (sleepless nights, sick kids, misbehavior, etc). I can honestly say, I was not enduring it well. My whole focus for the last couple weeks about feeling unfulfilled was a testament of that. In fact, during a heated discussion, my husband pointed out "if something is a priority, you just make it happen" (what he was talking about wasn't kid-related). I got all riled up and told him, "Do you want to know what my priority is? Survival. I am in survival mode. Pretty much all the time. My priority is keeping our kids alive, fed, safe, whatever. THAT'S my priority. Survival." I was merely surviving as a mom...but yet I wanted something else. No wonder I was feeling so conflicted.
I was enduring. But, obviously, based on that conversation with my husband I was not enduring well. (We rolled over and went to sleep after that. After 10 years of marriage that is a tip I will give newlyweds every time: sometimes it's ok to go to sleep angry. Odds are you're both tired and cranky and won't remember what you're angry about in the morning.)
As I read my scriptures searching for more about "enduring well," I found this: "And it shall come to pass, that whoso...endureth to the end, behold, him will I hold guiltless before my Father at that day when I shall stand to judge the world." (3 Nephi 27:16)
GUILTLESS. That word jumped out to me. I had felt guilty about the things I wasn't doing as a mom that I felt I should. I felt guilty that I felt all I could do was survive as a mom. I felt guilty that I felt I wanted something in addition to "just" being a mom. And here it was in scripture saying that if I endured (and I'll add "endure well"), I would be held guiltless. I didn't need to be perfect. I didn't need to feel like motherhood was all I ever wanted.
In a way, I felt like my the Lord was validating my feelings while also saying, "Stay the course. I know how you feel."
I felt like He was saying, "I know what I've asked of you is hard. In fact, that's why I asked you to stay home. It's where you will learn the most. It's where your family needs you. I know it's not what you want necessarily. I know you want to do other things. I am not upset with you because you have those feelings. I know it's hard. I don't expect perfection, so do the best you can. Finish what we started, truly try your best, and everything will be just fine."
If the Lord will hold me guiltless, why shouldn't I hold me guiltless? I must try better at this...and if you're a mother like me, you must be, too.
And this one: "And blessed are they who shall seek to bring forth my Zion at that day, for they shall have the gift and the power of the Holy Ghost; and if they endure unto the end they shall be lifted up..." (2 Nephi 13: 37)
Lifted up. That's what I need. I needed to be lifted. And in order to do that, I need to endure and endure it well. I need to not just survive this time (endure), but change my attitude and put more into it. Even if it's just scheduling our days better. Even if it's just being prepared with go-to indoor activities. Even if it's letting my desire to redo my bathroom go for a little while so I can sit and read to my son. I know these seems trivial, but for me as someone who can't sit still, who always feels like I need to be doing something productive (ie with visible/tangible results), it's a challenge.
In raising my children in the gospel, am I not seeking to bring forth Zion? Of course. And as I continue to do that, this scripture told me I am entitled to the gift and power of the Holy Ghost. So as much as I feel like I'm alone doing this (I am during the day...and evening...and sometimes night) while my husband is at work, etc. I have been reassured that I am raising up Zion and, so, am not alone.
I will endure this season in my life, but also try to endure it well. I know that every day doesn't have to be perfect (my kids are watching tv as I write this), but as long as I TRY, I will have the Holy Ghost with me, will be lifted up, and will be held guiltless.
So can you.
Whether you are of my faith or not, I hope you feel the truth in this. Get rid of the guilt (the Lord has) and find just one way to not just endure, but endure better. Not perfectly, not even successfully, but try.
Thursday, March 12, 2015
When I Have Nothing Left to Give...
We have had a rough few days.
Last week Vivi got sick. Nothing major. Low-grade fever, just feeling icky. But at night time she would wake up inconsolable. First it was because she wasn't feeling well, then it was because of bad dreams. She was waking up crying 5-6 times per night. That lasted 3-4 nights.
And then, as sickness do, it jumped to Malcom. He woke up a couple times feeling like he needed to vomit, but couldn't. Then his ear hurt. Then he wanted water. All kinds of tears. During the day, he just felt kind of icky with a low grade fever, etc.
But at night time. Ohhhhh, nighttime. He was waking up screaming and crying. Snakes were biting his eyes. Something was tearing him to pieces. Nightmares everywhere. Sometimes he woke up not feeling well, but it mostly seemed to be night terrors. Waking up multiple times a night just crying inconsolably for a while.
We have done this for 4 nights now with Malcom after not quite recovering with Vivi. Gradually it has gotten a little better, but it's slowly killing me. Seriously. They have never been good sleepers, so I'm used to getting woken up a couple times a night, but this is a whole new level.
Last night I gave both kids Benadryl before bed (don't judge me). An hour later Vivi got up and was crying. Internally, I was screaming "What the heck?! You aren't even sick! You're supposed to be the ok one!" But I let her crawl and snuggle on my lap while I read my book. She whimpered, twitched, and cried out a couple times. After about ten minutes of this, Malcom started crying in his bed.
"Oh dear God," I thought. "Please no. I can't do this anymore. And it's only 8pm."
Did I mention my husband was out of town? And when he is in town I rarely see him anyway? Moving on...
I carried Vivi to her bed and then sat down next Malcom crying (still kinda sleeping) in his bed. I tried to wake him up so he knew he was safe and that mommy was right there (he kept saying "I want Mommy!" with his eyes closed). He quieted down an I just sat on the edge of his bed, crying. Not daring to move in case he were to wake up.
I sat there and cried and thought, "I have nothing left to give these kids. I am empty."
And it was true. I had no compassion. No tenderness. Nothing left to give these kids except "Shhhh. You're fine," and my pleas to stay in bed and stay sleeping.
I had nothing left to give.
As I thought about this, I didn't feel upset at myself. I couldn't. I was empty. I couldn't even feel like I was a terrible mom. At that point, I was just a shell.
I had nothing left to give.
And then the thought occurred to me, "Lord, I have nothing left to give these kids. So I'm giving them to you. They will not feel love and tenderness from me right now when they call out, so I'm going to hand that over to you right now. I need you to fill them with your love because, right now, I've got nothing."
Then I got up and walked out of their room and stuffed my face with some amazing homemade hot chocolate that a friend dropped off for me because she knew I was having a tough few days.
I'd like to say they both stayed in their beds and slept through the night, but they didn't. Malcom woke up a couple hours later crying inconsolably for a few minutes while I held him and kept watching my shows. Eventually he snapped out of it and I let him watch my shows with me, eat a couple of my Starburst jelly beans, and then crawl into bed with me.
As Malcom lay in my bed, though, he also let me hold his hand. In that moment, I felt the love return. I felt a little bit of patience return.
So here's the point of all this: Moms, if you feel like you have nothing left to give, you're not alone. You're not a bad mom. You don't not love your children (how's that for a loaded double negative). As moms, our job description is to pour into everyone else. And sometimes when we don't get a chance to be poured into because of lack of sleep, lack of time, lack of a spouse/partner around, etc. we hit empty. It happens.
I am blessed with friends who have been very honest with me about the good and bad times of parenting. I appreciate it when other moms say "This sucks. Imma 'bout to lose my ish." Because it makes me feel like I'm not so weird. Like I'm not some horrible mom and everyone else is just better at dealing with the hard times.
And so I share this: sometimes I have nothing left to give. I literally don't even want to be around my kids.
And that's ok. Because, in sum, they know I love them. They know I'm here for them.
But sometimes mommy just needs to eat chocolate and watch her shows alone.
Last week Vivi got sick. Nothing major. Low-grade fever, just feeling icky. But at night time she would wake up inconsolable. First it was because she wasn't feeling well, then it was because of bad dreams. She was waking up crying 5-6 times per night. That lasted 3-4 nights.
And then, as sickness do, it jumped to Malcom. He woke up a couple times feeling like he needed to vomit, but couldn't. Then his ear hurt. Then he wanted water. All kinds of tears. During the day, he just felt kind of icky with a low grade fever, etc.
But at night time. Ohhhhh, nighttime. He was waking up screaming and crying. Snakes were biting his eyes. Something was tearing him to pieces. Nightmares everywhere. Sometimes he woke up not feeling well, but it mostly seemed to be night terrors. Waking up multiple times a night just crying inconsolably for a while.
We have done this for 4 nights now with Malcom after not quite recovering with Vivi. Gradually it has gotten a little better, but it's slowly killing me. Seriously. They have never been good sleepers, so I'm used to getting woken up a couple times a night, but this is a whole new level.
Last night I gave both kids Benadryl before bed (don't judge me). An hour later Vivi got up and was crying. Internally, I was screaming "What the heck?! You aren't even sick! You're supposed to be the ok one!" But I let her crawl and snuggle on my lap while I read my book. She whimpered, twitched, and cried out a couple times. After about ten minutes of this, Malcom started crying in his bed.
"Oh dear God," I thought. "Please no. I can't do this anymore. And it's only 8pm."
Did I mention my husband was out of town? And when he is in town I rarely see him anyway? Moving on...
I carried Vivi to her bed and then sat down next Malcom crying (still kinda sleeping) in his bed. I tried to wake him up so he knew he was safe and that mommy was right there (he kept saying "I want Mommy!" with his eyes closed). He quieted down an I just sat on the edge of his bed, crying. Not daring to move in case he were to wake up.
I sat there and cried and thought, "I have nothing left to give these kids. I am empty."
And it was true. I had no compassion. No tenderness. Nothing left to give these kids except "Shhhh. You're fine," and my pleas to stay in bed and stay sleeping.
I had nothing left to give.
As I thought about this, I didn't feel upset at myself. I couldn't. I was empty. I couldn't even feel like I was a terrible mom. At that point, I was just a shell.
I had nothing left to give.
And then the thought occurred to me, "Lord, I have nothing left to give these kids. So I'm giving them to you. They will not feel love and tenderness from me right now when they call out, so I'm going to hand that over to you right now. I need you to fill them with your love because, right now, I've got nothing."
Then I got up and walked out of their room and stuffed my face with some amazing homemade hot chocolate that a friend dropped off for me because she knew I was having a tough few days.
I'd like to say they both stayed in their beds and slept through the night, but they didn't. Malcom woke up a couple hours later crying inconsolably for a few minutes while I held him and kept watching my shows. Eventually he snapped out of it and I let him watch my shows with me, eat a couple of my Starburst jelly beans, and then crawl into bed with me.
As Malcom lay in my bed, though, he also let me hold his hand. In that moment, I felt the love return. I felt a little bit of patience return.
So here's the point of all this: Moms, if you feel like you have nothing left to give, you're not alone. You're not a bad mom. You don't not love your children (how's that for a loaded double negative). As moms, our job description is to pour into everyone else. And sometimes when we don't get a chance to be poured into because of lack of sleep, lack of time, lack of a spouse/partner around, etc. we hit empty. It happens.
I am blessed with friends who have been very honest with me about the good and bad times of parenting. I appreciate it when other moms say "This sucks. Imma 'bout to lose my ish." Because it makes me feel like I'm not so weird. Like I'm not some horrible mom and everyone else is just better at dealing with the hard times.
And so I share this: sometimes I have nothing left to give. I literally don't even want to be around my kids.
And that's ok. Because, in sum, they know I love them. They know I'm here for them.
But sometimes mommy just needs to eat chocolate and watch her shows alone.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
A Mother and Daughter Made of Fire
"Stand by her when the people she loves begin to pull away: she is too intense for them, too sentient. Fire is contagious, catching, and nobody wants to go down burning."
I had a powerful experience with my daughter that I wanted to share in hopes that it would empower another mother to see within herself her divinity when she feels it the least. As an active LDS, I mean that differently than others may interpret: our divine DNA. The access to divine power we hold. Our divine potential.
I have a five year old daughter, Vivienne. Vivi, for short. She...she is a force to be reckoned with. Very early we recognized in her that she cannot be convinced to do anything she doesn't want to. It is a blessing that will serve her (and us) well in the future, but it sure makes her hard to parent. She is incredibly smart (dare I say gifted?); she is perceptive and asks deep questions.
"What is our Heavenly Mother's name?" she asked one day. I don't think they talk about Heavenly Mother in her Sunbeam class at church...
She is stubborn, yet sensitive. She is fierce, but defensive. She is empathetic, but can intentionally do harm. She is prone to angry outbursts, rarely is she demure. She is the sun and rarely moon. She is fire and rarely water. More on this later.
She is exhausting.
Vivi's daily emotional roller coaster is a lot for this mama to handle. Especially because I am her mother. As in: the qualities, behaviors, and attitudes that make her most difficult to parent she clearly gets from me. I see myself in her giant blue eyes. She can be manipulative (as any five year old can), so it is often hard to discern when to be patient and when to be...not. This is where our story begins.
Vivi had not been feeling well the past several days. Nothing major but a low-grade fever and very weird/scary nightmares that woke her up feeling ill. Several times a night she would get up whimpering (which annoys the crap out of me) and finally get into bed with me where she (we) would have a very restless sleep.
Last night, it started as it had the previous couple nights: whimpering of not feeling well and saying she'd had really scary dreams. But instead of getting frustrated (at this point I'm not sure if there's something really wrong or if she's trying to get attention), I took her hand and tucked her in her bed. I asked if we should say prayer and she said she wanted me to say it.
Suddenly, I felt the spirit strongly that she needed a blessing, but not from her father in the other room. She needed her mother to advocate for her, to invoke a blessing on her. I inwardly wondered if I should place my hands on her head, but that felt weird to think about, so I simply held her hand and touch my forehead to hers and began to utter my prayer.
It began as many prayers often do, but I felt compelled to continue on as she groaned in discomfort or fear of bad dreams. I prayed for the Spirit to be with her, to calm her mind. For angels to watch over, guard, and protect her. As I continued I felt...power. I wasn't just requesting hopefully...I felt it had power. I had power. It would be done.
As I prayed for the Savior to lay His hands upon my daughter that her body and mind may be calmed and healed (for all that the Savior lays his hands upon can be), she stopped groaning. She stopped whimpering. She lay perfectly still.
When I opened my eyes after "Amen," she was sound asleep. Her fingers still firmly gripping mine had to be gently pried away and yet she still slept. Her face was pretty and peaceful. The dark circles that had been under her eyes the last couple days seemed to disappear.
I dropped to my knees in the middle of my children's bedroom and thanked my God for that ability to communicate with Him, for what the ability to call upon His power to calm and heal my daughter enough to sleep, for the power of being a woman and mother who has been given the opportunity to find this divinity within and share it with her daughter, for a Savior who actively loves each of us every day.
I have said my fair share of prayers as a mother (of two VERY bad sleepers who are also very strong willed and high energy), but this wasn't a prayer of desperation...it felt like a powerful request of one having authority to ask for such a blessing as a mother charged with taking care of His children can and should have.
I shared this experience with my husband when I returned to our bedroom and then did what everyone else does in bed: flipped open Facebook on my smart phone. Just then my sister sent me this article: On Loving a Daughter Made of Fire. More than any parenting article, this described my Vivi. It described me. It described us. And the best way to be the mother of a "daughter made of fire."
"Introduce her to the women who braved the fire to build you: your grandmother lives in your tender hands, your mother in the grace of your smile, your sister in the gentle curve of your frame. We are all, in some small way, immortal. As she becomes you, she too will inherit parts of them. Show her they are watching over her when she sees herself for the first time in the mirror of your armour and realizes she was born a warrior baby.
"Remind her that anger is natural. When she comes to you, convulsing inside with the volcano she cannot contain, sift through the ashes with her to reveal generations of forgotten women who have never known escape. Let her see that the fire will not — no, cannot — scorch her. She was born of it, after all."
I have reflected recently on my grandmother and mother and the kind of women they are. I have reflected on the kind of woman I am. Yes, we are made of fire. It makes sense that my Vivi is also made of fire. Recalling my experience I'd felt just a few minutes before I read the article, I believe it is that fire that I felt within me and all around me as I held my daughter's hand and invoked the blessings of heaven to be upon her.
“We are not mere human beings,” tell her, “we are stars the sky tried to swallow whole; the stars whose shrieks of fury pierced the darkness like bullets: to this day, the sky bleeds light through phantom wounds like you and I.”
As an LDS, there could be many layers to this statement but at surface value, she truly is a "star whose shrieks of fury pierced the darkness..." This will describe her her whole life as it does me.
Her fire, her divine nature, her divine potential. My fire, my divine nature, my divine potential.
We are one.
We are powerful.
We are fire.
We will fight, we will burn. We will "help people with [our] flames," not destroy. Is that not the mission we have been given. Will not the earth be consumed in fire? Perhaps this is one kind of flame that will light up the earth.
Isaiah 64:2: "As when the melting fire burneth, the fire causeth the waters to boil, to make thy name known to thine adversaries, that the nations may tremble at thy presence!"
I had a powerful experience with my daughter that I wanted to share in hopes that it would empower another mother to see within herself her divinity when she feels it the least. As an active LDS, I mean that differently than others may interpret: our divine DNA. The access to divine power we hold. Our divine potential.
I have a five year old daughter, Vivienne. Vivi, for short. She...she is a force to be reckoned with. Very early we recognized in her that she cannot be convinced to do anything she doesn't want to. It is a blessing that will serve her (and us) well in the future, but it sure makes her hard to parent. She is incredibly smart (dare I say gifted?); she is perceptive and asks deep questions.
"What is our Heavenly Mother's name?" she asked one day. I don't think they talk about Heavenly Mother in her Sunbeam class at church...
She is stubborn, yet sensitive. She is fierce, but defensive. She is empathetic, but can intentionally do harm. She is prone to angry outbursts, rarely is she demure. She is the sun and rarely moon. She is fire and rarely water. More on this later.
She is exhausting.
Vivi's daily emotional roller coaster is a lot for this mama to handle. Especially because I am her mother. As in: the qualities, behaviors, and attitudes that make her most difficult to parent she clearly gets from me. I see myself in her giant blue eyes. She can be manipulative (as any five year old can), so it is often hard to discern when to be patient and when to be...not. This is where our story begins.
Vivi had not been feeling well the past several days. Nothing major but a low-grade fever and very weird/scary nightmares that woke her up feeling ill. Several times a night she would get up whimpering (which annoys the crap out of me) and finally get into bed with me where she (we) would have a very restless sleep.
Last night, it started as it had the previous couple nights: whimpering of not feeling well and saying she'd had really scary dreams. But instead of getting frustrated (at this point I'm not sure if there's something really wrong or if she's trying to get attention), I took her hand and tucked her in her bed. I asked if we should say prayer and she said she wanted me to say it.
Suddenly, I felt the spirit strongly that she needed a blessing, but not from her father in the other room. She needed her mother to advocate for her, to invoke a blessing on her. I inwardly wondered if I should place my hands on her head, but that felt weird to think about, so I simply held her hand and touch my forehead to hers and began to utter my prayer.
It began as many prayers often do, but I felt compelled to continue on as she groaned in discomfort or fear of bad dreams. I prayed for the Spirit to be with her, to calm her mind. For angels to watch over, guard, and protect her. As I continued I felt...power. I wasn't just requesting hopefully...I felt it had power. I had power. It would be done.
As I prayed for the Savior to lay His hands upon my daughter that her body and mind may be calmed and healed (for all that the Savior lays his hands upon can be), she stopped groaning. She stopped whimpering. She lay perfectly still.
When I opened my eyes after "Amen," she was sound asleep. Her fingers still firmly gripping mine had to be gently pried away and yet she still slept. Her face was pretty and peaceful. The dark circles that had been under her eyes the last couple days seemed to disappear.
I dropped to my knees in the middle of my children's bedroom and thanked my God for that ability to communicate with Him, for what the ability to call upon His power to calm and heal my daughter enough to sleep, for the power of being a woman and mother who has been given the opportunity to find this divinity within and share it with her daughter, for a Savior who actively loves each of us every day.
I have said my fair share of prayers as a mother (of two VERY bad sleepers who are also very strong willed and high energy), but this wasn't a prayer of desperation...it felt like a powerful request of one having authority to ask for such a blessing as a mother charged with taking care of His children can and should have.
I shared this experience with my husband when I returned to our bedroom and then did what everyone else does in bed: flipped open Facebook on my smart phone. Just then my sister sent me this article: On Loving a Daughter Made of Fire. More than any parenting article, this described my Vivi. It described me. It described us. And the best way to be the mother of a "daughter made of fire."
"Introduce her to the women who braved the fire to build you: your grandmother lives in your tender hands, your mother in the grace of your smile, your sister in the gentle curve of your frame. We are all, in some small way, immortal. As she becomes you, she too will inherit parts of them. Show her they are watching over her when she sees herself for the first time in the mirror of your armour and realizes she was born a warrior baby.
"Remind her that anger is natural. When she comes to you, convulsing inside with the volcano she cannot contain, sift through the ashes with her to reveal generations of forgotten women who have never known escape. Let her see that the fire will not — no, cannot — scorch her. She was born of it, after all."
I have reflected recently on my grandmother and mother and the kind of women they are. I have reflected on the kind of woman I am. Yes, we are made of fire. It makes sense that my Vivi is also made of fire. Recalling my experience I'd felt just a few minutes before I read the article, I believe it is that fire that I felt within me and all around me as I held my daughter's hand and invoked the blessings of heaven to be upon her.
“We are not mere human beings,” tell her, “we are stars the sky tried to swallow whole; the stars whose shrieks of fury pierced the darkness like bullets: to this day, the sky bleeds light through phantom wounds like you and I.”
As an LDS, there could be many layers to this statement but at surface value, she truly is a "star whose shrieks of fury pierced the darkness..." This will describe her her whole life as it does me.
Her fire, her divine nature, her divine potential. My fire, my divine nature, my divine potential.
We are one.
We are powerful.
We are fire.
We will fight, we will burn. We will "help people with [our] flames," not destroy. Is that not the mission we have been given. Will not the earth be consumed in fire? Perhaps this is one kind of flame that will light up the earth.
Isaiah 64:2: "As when the melting fire burneth, the fire causeth the waters to boil, to make thy name known to thine adversaries, that the nations may tremble at thy presence!"
- This was the first time I FELT that I do not need someone to grant me priesthood power; I have power within me. The power and fire of divine womanhood, eternal motherhood. A divine right by nature of who my Father is and the covenants I have made with Him.
WE are daughters made of fire.
Every woman, whether she is LDS Christian, or not, has that fire. That power. That divinity. Perhaps in the women/girls in my family that "volcanic" fire is more evident, but the fire of the divine, the flame to light the way, the power to call upon the unseen is within us all.
Every woman, whether she is LDS Christian, or not, has that fire. That power. That divinity. Perhaps in the women/girls in my family that "volcanic" fire is more evident, but the fire of the divine, the flame to light the way, the power to call upon the unseen is within us all.
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Feminism is THE "F-word" to Mormons
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| My daughter is of the same value to me as my son. They are equal, although not the same. I imagine this is how Heavenly Father view us, His children. This makes me an LDS feminist. |
I got few responses on an LDS Facebook page to my blog and they made me scratch my head. It was obvious that several had not even read the blog. They just saw the word "Feminism" and obviously shut down and gave into knee jerk reactions that many conservatives and, especially Mormons, seem to have.
One person wrote: "I don't think equality is as important as liberty..." (and then went on to say he wants more mercy than being treated as an equal sinner, which is fine from a spiritual standpoint, but we are talking about socially here). This person (a man) has obviously never dealt with the social inequalities women face.
Another comment was: "A truly free people cannot be equal and a truly equal people cannot be free. If you are to look at the pre-mortal realm, what was Lucifer fighting for? On the flip side, what was the plan that we fought for? That should tell where our priorities lie." Basically, comparing women who believe they are worth the same, albeit in different ways, to Satan (because Satan wanted all the glory himself? I don't quite follow that line of thinking...). I was a bit offended.
Another comment stated that the group that created the video is also the kind of group that contributes to "gender confusion."
This led me to be confused. While I disagree with the tactics of the "f-bomb for Feminism" video, I agreed with the general premise and ideas they mentioned: focus on girls' brains, not how they look; teach boys they have no right to any girls body no matter what she's wearing; women deserve to be paid based on their qualifications.
In general, I think most LDS would agree with these ideas, as well. But because the word "feminism" is attached them, we just shut down and find a reason either not to listen or not support.
There are shades of feminism, whether you are LDS or not. But we need to learn to listen to what people are ACTUALLY saying and not cover our ears as soon as we hear "feminism." I know it's hard to agree with SOME things when there are feminists and feminists groups who promote ideas we may not agree with, like certain LGBT issues, pushing for LDS women to have the priesthood, etc. But that doesn't mean we cannot agree on some things that are labeled feminist. (In fact, I think most of things aren't even feminist, they are simply...humanist). It's like claiming you couldn't be a Republican because your favorite Congressman got caught with happy feet in a certain airport bathroom.
But we do it. And no one seems to have a problem with it because "feminism" is an F word to many LDS. If you haven't seen this video of Emma Watson addressing the UN about "feminism," you need to do yourself a favor and watch it. Now.
"Feminism, by definition, is the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities," she said.
That's it. And I think that's something most LDS can get behind. Maybe you want to stay home and raise your children. Fabulous. But, maybe your neighbor does not or cannot. Should she not have the same right and opportunity to equal employment as a man? Should not your daughters be looked at as equal prospects for training and employment in the science and math fields? Shouldn't we judge the sisters we visit teach by their character and not their haircut? Would we, as LDS, have any problem fighting against female genital mutilation that takes place in some cultures?
This might be small and minor, but something I've noticed: I do not get offered handshakes from male leaders in my congregation nearly as often as my husband (probably about half the time). Oftentimes, when I'm standing RIGHT next to him. Does this scream of social inequity? Not really. But why shouldn't I? Is my husband that much more important that HE warrants an "official" greeting, but I do not?
Or, maybe something closer to home: how about the women who are emotionally, physically, and financially abused by their husbands? Certainly, this happens in homes of every religion, including LDS (I've seen it) and it is worth being vocal against! It is worth an LDS person forgetting the stigma of the word "feminism" and standing up to say "That woman deserves the right to have more than a $100 allowance each month!" And "The mother of your children deserves more trust than you monitoring the mileage on her car and asking permission every time she goes somewhere!" And "Your children are YOUR children, too. Your wife should not have to BEG you to "babysit" them on the rare occasion she wants to go somewhere without them."
Latter-Day Saints, this kind of behavior against women is not what we, as LDS, believe is acceptable treatment of women. We need to stand up and say, "Your wife should have equal access money to get what she needs and the family needs." We need to say, "You CANNOT play video games all night long while your wife struggles to keep her head above water with the kids." We need to say, "You are partners. You are EQUAL."
This should not be unnatural for us. When people accuse the Church of sexism, I have often told them, "Men are held to the same sexual and moral standards as women. There is no different in standards between the sexes." True, women cannot have the priesthood and I am not arguing that they should because that is a doctrinal issue (but I do believe women could and should have more leadership within the Church without the priesthood; different topic for a different day). BUT, we as LDS should be able to vocally say, "I believe my mom, my sister, my wife, my daughter should have equal rights and opportunities as men and boys. They should not be reduced to the parts of their bodies, the way the look, etc."
That is feminism and, while we don't have to take it as far as many do, I believe we should be able to comfortably say, "I'm Mormon and I'm a feminist because I believe women have EQUAL VALUE as men." We don't have to say that men and women are the same because we are not the same (thank goodness). But we can be feminist in the way that we believe women's intrinsic value, women's contributions, and women's potential has equal VALUE and deserves EQUAL opportunity to be considered and to grow as men's.
And that's why I'll confidently say I am a feminist because:
- I believe women should be paid as equals of men for the time spent in the office (I understand women leave the workforce to have children and, except for leaves of absence, they should be paid the same).
- I believe women should not be reduced to the size of their booty, type of purse, hair type, waist size, etc.
- I believe women are responsible for their own actions. I also believe men are responsible for their actions towards women and no one should ever say "She was asking for it" when a woman is raped.
- I believe women to be incredibly capable leaders in whatever arena they choose to be in and no one should say "Real women stay home" or "real women go to work" or "real women have curves" or "real women work out" or whatever. Women should be themselves. Their best selves. And we should stop judging them/each other.
- I believe women have the right to question the status quo without being labeled "a radical feminist."
- I believe women should be respected as human beings.
- I believe women should be honored, protected, and respected...the same as how men should be honored, protected, and respected.
- I will raise my daughter to be strong, opinionated, educated, and that she is NO LESS than her brother.
If you believe things like this (and others), you may be a feminist, too.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
No Bombs for Feminism, Not Even Children's F-Bombs
I have lots of problems with this video clip. In fact, I hate this (and I don't "hate" much). And, yes, I see the irony that I use the word "hate" when this is an anti-hate group. Whatever.
I have very few problems with the premise of the clip: of course, we need to teach our boys that it doesn't matter what a girl is wearing, they have no "rights" to her body, women deserve equal pay for the time they are in the office, etc.
In the press release about the video where little girls drop f-bombs to prove a point, the company who produced it says this, "Asking the question, “What’s more offensive? A little girl saying f*ck or the sexist way society treats girls and women” these adorably articulate little ladies in sparkling tiaras turn the “princess in distress” stereotype on its head and contrast the F-word with words and statistics society should find shocking such as “pay inequality” and “rape.”
And, in response, I will ask "What's more offensive? Exploiting these "articulate" little girls and asking them to drop f-bombs to prove a point or pretending it's for anything but increasing their revenues?" Because it certainly won't garner support for their cause from anyone who doesn't already support it. I mean, I support it (in theory) and I'm REALLY put off by this.
Don't get me wrong, I live in the world of little girls. I have a 5 year old daughter who WANTED to dress up like a princess for the last 4 years, despite my best efforts and much to my shagrin.
I also live in a world where little girls are offered sexualized Halloween costumes (yes, as young as 4 and 5 years old). I live in a world where parents seem eager to get their kids to grow up quickly and, as a result, strip away their innocence. An innocence that seems bombarded even by the Disney channel.
I also understand the challenges of being a woman in our society. I was fired for being pregnant (basically). I've experienced obvious and subversive sexism in the workplace...and every place. I think women should be paid equally for the amount of time they are in the office. I think we should have better maternity policies. Etc, etc.
But do the creators of this video actually thing this helps the cause? Because it doesn't. Do they think the future of this cause is teaching our daughters to be crude, coarse, and rude? Because if that's the future of gender equality (which, granted may mean something different to them than it does to me), than I want very little to do with it.
It's embarrassing.
This video made me think of a quote that has seriously shaped that kind of woman I am and want to be: "The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined."
Call me old fashioned. But I've been that cut-throat, cursing, coarse woman. And I hated it; I didn't realize it, but I did. I was always stressed out. I worried about appearing weak, about appearing to be less than my male peers. And as someone who's identity relied on being strong, I didn't see any other way. Then I realized it just wasn't working. It wasn't working for me. Even before I became a mom, I realized that I am more ME, I am more WOMAN, I am more PERSUASIVE, I have more INFLUENCE when I am tender, kind, refined, and COMPASSIONATE. And it's not because I'm a push over (my parents and husband think I suffer from Oppositional Defiance Disorder; I probably do).
Be firm. Be opinionated. Be respectful. OMG, be civilized!
Would I wash my daughter's mouth out with soap if she used the f-bomb in support of equal pay for women? You betcha. Because all that does is degrade her as a person and certainly does not garner support for an important issue. You want to raise awareness and gain more support for women's issues? Than use Emma Watson's speech to the UN as an example.
Don't drop f-bombs for feminism. In fact, don't drop f-bombs at all! I'm trying to find a way for this blog not to turn into an etiquette and manners issue...but maybe that's what our society needs. Apparently we want our women coarse and hard. But now we want our children to be that way? And it's not just this video; there are thousands (millions?) of clips on the internet of children beating up kids (and adults), swearing, doing adult things, etc...and their a parents laugh. They approve. They encourage.
I hate hearing men or women speaking (and acting) in such a way. Why? Because it devalues them and what they're talking about. How can you take anyone seriously when they're all like "Eff that! Eff you!"? My reaction when I hear children using language like this? I cringe. I literally cringe. They use it because they've heard it. They've been exposed to ugliness. Children should not be exposed to ugliness and they should not be used as tools to spread such ugliness. These children should be taught better. They can BE better.
Other than getting children to do our dirty work in a dirty way, how else can we catalyze the changes that our world needs? I love this quote: “Be a Mother who is committed to loving her children into standing on higher ground than the environment surrounding them,” Marjorie Pay Hinckley.
And this isn't just for mothers. It's for anyone who deals with children. For any kind of mentor of any kind of developing person. Love children in ways that makes them want to be better than the world we live in. Then our boys won't ever say "Well, she asked for it." Husbands won't hit their wives, employers will want to do right by all their employees.
You can't f-bomb your way to that result. You just can't.
I have very few problems with the premise of the clip: of course, we need to teach our boys that it doesn't matter what a girl is wearing, they have no "rights" to her body, women deserve equal pay for the time they are in the office, etc.
In the press release about the video where little girls drop f-bombs to prove a point, the company who produced it says this, "Asking the question, “What’s more offensive? A little girl saying f*ck or the sexist way society treats girls and women” these adorably articulate little ladies in sparkling tiaras turn the “princess in distress” stereotype on its head and contrast the F-word with words and statistics society should find shocking such as “pay inequality” and “rape.”
And, in response, I will ask "What's more offensive? Exploiting these "articulate" little girls and asking them to drop f-bombs to prove a point or pretending it's for anything but increasing their revenues?" Because it certainly won't garner support for their cause from anyone who doesn't already support it. I mean, I support it (in theory) and I'm REALLY put off by this.
Don't get me wrong, I live in the world of little girls. I have a 5 year old daughter who WANTED to dress up like a princess for the last 4 years, despite my best efforts and much to my shagrin.
I also live in a world where little girls are offered sexualized Halloween costumes (yes, as young as 4 and 5 years old). I live in a world where parents seem eager to get their kids to grow up quickly and, as a result, strip away their innocence. An innocence that seems bombarded even by the Disney channel.
I also understand the challenges of being a woman in our society. I was fired for being pregnant (basically). I've experienced obvious and subversive sexism in the workplace...and every place. I think women should be paid equally for the amount of time they are in the office. I think we should have better maternity policies. Etc, etc.
But do the creators of this video actually thing this helps the cause? Because it doesn't. Do they think the future of this cause is teaching our daughters to be crude, coarse, and rude? Because if that's the future of gender equality (which, granted may mean something different to them than it does to me), than I want very little to do with it.
It's embarrassing.
This video made me think of a quote that has seriously shaped that kind of woman I am and want to be: "The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined."
Call me old fashioned. But I've been that cut-throat, cursing, coarse woman. And I hated it; I didn't realize it, but I did. I was always stressed out. I worried about appearing weak, about appearing to be less than my male peers. And as someone who's identity relied on being strong, I didn't see any other way. Then I realized it just wasn't working. It wasn't working for me. Even before I became a mom, I realized that I am more ME, I am more WOMAN, I am more PERSUASIVE, I have more INFLUENCE when I am tender, kind, refined, and COMPASSIONATE. And it's not because I'm a push over (my parents and husband think I suffer from Oppositional Defiance Disorder; I probably do).
Be firm. Be opinionated. Be respectful. OMG, be civilized!
Would I wash my daughter's mouth out with soap if she used the f-bomb in support of equal pay for women? You betcha. Because all that does is degrade her as a person and certainly does not garner support for an important issue. You want to raise awareness and gain more support for women's issues? Than use Emma Watson's speech to the UN as an example.
Don't drop f-bombs for feminism. In fact, don't drop f-bombs at all! I'm trying to find a way for this blog not to turn into an etiquette and manners issue...but maybe that's what our society needs. Apparently we want our women coarse and hard. But now we want our children to be that way? And it's not just this video; there are thousands (millions?) of clips on the internet of children beating up kids (and adults), swearing, doing adult things, etc...and their a parents laugh. They approve. They encourage.
I hate hearing men or women speaking (and acting) in such a way. Why? Because it devalues them and what they're talking about. How can you take anyone seriously when they're all like "Eff that! Eff you!"? My reaction when I hear children using language like this? I cringe. I literally cringe. They use it because they've heard it. They've been exposed to ugliness. Children should not be exposed to ugliness and they should not be used as tools to spread such ugliness. These children should be taught better. They can BE better.
Other than getting children to do our dirty work in a dirty way, how else can we catalyze the changes that our world needs? I love this quote: “Be a Mother who is committed to loving her children into standing on higher ground than the environment surrounding them,” Marjorie Pay Hinckley.
And this isn't just for mothers. It's for anyone who deals with children. For any kind of mentor of any kind of developing person. Love children in ways that makes them want to be better than the world we live in. Then our boys won't ever say "Well, she asked for it." Husbands won't hit their wives, employers will want to do right by all their employees.
You can't f-bomb your way to that result. You just can't.
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