Kim Davis, a Kentucky county clerk, is making headlines by denying marriage licenses for same-sex couples despite the recent federal court ruling...and several court orders demanding she comply with the federal law.
From what I've seen, most reasonable people think her behavior is unacceptable and I agree. As an elected official, she has a responsibility to uphold the law. If she disagrees with that law because of moral/religous beliefs, that's fine. Make your statement. Disagree. Sacrifice your job. She needs to resign because she cannot uphold the law and that's what she was elected to do.
However, that's not what has bothered me. Over and over again, I've seen people blast this woman's personal life, specifically her marriage history. Apparently, she's been divorced several times and, because of that, she is a hypocrite in disagreeing with same-sex marriage. The tag line goes something like "Protecting the sanctity of marriage by denying same-sex marriage licenses? Says the woman who's been divorced three times."
I find these kinds of attacks abhorrent. For one, unless you know her personally, you do not know the circumstances of her marriages or divorce. Perhaps abuse was involved. Many times, women who marry one jerk tend to marry the same kind of jerk.
But that's not really the point. Christians, even those who support gay marriage, should never use this "look at your history, you don't have any right to stand up for your beliefs" stance. Why? Because we understand that we are all sinners.
"...He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone at her." -John 8:7.
I don't swear very often, but occasionally a situation arises where it seems to be the only appropriate reaction. Does the fact that I have sworn in the past negate my right to stand up and say "I think swearing is inappropriate?"
Or, how about this one: before my husband returned to church, he was a quite a drinker. He got himself into some pretty serious trouble. But he has since stopped, never had a drink again, and we don't allow it in our home and we will teach our children the same. Does the fact that he has had alcohol in his past mean he can't say "I believe that drinking alcohol is against what my God what's me to do"?
Or how about anger. We are commanded to turn the other cheek, to be slow to anger. But, seriously, which one of hasn't gotten angry...and knows we won't get angry again.
Or how about the most important of commandments: love your God and love your neighbor as you love yourself. How many of us have chosen to put something else before God? How many of us has treated our neighbor (who is anyone around us) poorly? And it will probably happen again. Because we are human. Life is complicated. Circumstances get difficult. Are we not ALL hypocrites?
Even those of us in this human family who are not Christian or religious can understand that we can believe something while having lived that belief imperfectly. We can preach our belief in the sanctity of all life...while doing everything we can to eliminate the pests in our homes. We can teach our children to love everyone...except those who do not agree with us or those that do bad things. We all live our beliefs imperfectly because, well, we are imperfect. So why do we put people like Kim on blast for being, well, imperfect?
So I have cringed every time I've seen a meme attacking that woman as a hypocrite because of her past choices (which she would probably admit were mistakes...probably in that she should not have married those men or any number of issues that contribute to divorce). Does that mean she cannot believe marriage is sacred? No. She may very well wish for a Godly marriage...but, perhaps, has gone about it the wrong way.
I've seen the same thing with Bristol Palin. The champion of abstinence who makes her living traveling around and encouraging people to wait to have sex until after marriage. She is about to have her second child out of wedlock. People made fun of her. But my heart broke for her. Anyone who has been young understands how hard it can be to be chaste. It IS difficult in this world...and she understands that more than anyone. Does that mean she does not believe people should not wait until after marriage? No, I'm sure she believes it just as much as before. But she messed up. Big time.
Does it make her a hypocrite. Yes. But no more than the rest of us. She just happens to live in the public light.
Hypocrisy is one of the biggest sins. It is what Jesus chastised the Pharisees for over and over again in the New Testament. It is something we must be aware of in ourselves and do our best to stay away from. However, we learn from the scriptures that it was the Lord doing the condemning and he specifically taught with the "...He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone at her..." that that is His job. It is above our pay grade. We are not the judge. Probably because he knew that we are all hypocrites on some level and could not justly judge.
God doesn't care where we are on the path, only that we are traveling in the right direction. Would he have us quit and jump off the path when we screw up? No. We ask for forgiveness and jump back on the path. Will we mess up again? Perhaps. Probably. Most likely. Should we jump off the path then? No. We keep on truckin in the right direction. That is all we can do. Who are we to judge where people are on the path if God does not? Who are we to tell people that might as well have jumped off the path and have no right to believe in right or wrong because they screwed up?
I LOVE this quote from this talk: "If we don’t try, we’re just latter-day sinners; if we don’t persevere,
we’re latter-day quitters; and if we don’t allow others to try, we’re
just latter-day hypocrites.
As we try, persevere, and help others to do the same, we are true
Latter-day Saints. As we change, we will find that God indeed cares a
lot more about who we are and about who we are becoming than about who
we once were."
I disagree with what this clerk is doing. Maybe she's doing it because she genuinely believes it. Maybe she's doing it to be a martyr and get a martyr's pay day. Perhaps her past actions haven't made her the poster child for marriage. But that doesn't mean she deserve the right to stand up for what she says she believes.
For we are all hypocrites.
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Saturday, August 1, 2015
Women Have Choices, We Don't Need Abortion. Here's the Plan...
It is rare that I feel compelled to get up out of bed and write my thoughts these days. But, tonight I do.
Abortion. Harvesting baby parts. It's all over the news. And rightfully so.
I was a bit skeptical when the first video came out and watched the edited version. It didn't look good for Planned Parenthood, but figured they find a way to spin their way out of it or whatever. Then a second and third video, which I honestly didn't watch. More fuel for the conservative right to the anti-abortion/pro-life movement for them. Planned Parenthood/Pro-Choice/Pro-abortion defenders defended it with the expected "it was edited such and such" without really watching it.
Blind support on both sides. What I expected and it didn't affect my previous opinion or behaviors regarding abortion.
When the fourth video that "proved" Planned Parenthood was "harvesting" and "selling" baby parts came out as the most damning video, I figured I'd better watch it and see what was so damning about it.
It was horrifying. But what horrified may not be what you think. Assuming that Planned Parenthood isn't doing anything illegal (which many argue they are), I was horrified by the manner of the conversation.
They called this child's organs "product." They gave it a monetary value. They giggled. They laughed. They callously talked about how useful (and financially valuable) this baby was in pieces. They talked about how it was more valuable "in tact" ie actually born. I was disgusted.
And I kept watching. I heard them crush a skull and the sift through the parts asking if there was any use for the eyeball. No.
That child would've had use for that eyeball.
And that was for a child well within the first trimester at 11.6 weeks, which is legal to abort in every state. It had identifiable HUMAN body parts that apparently have monetary (or research, whatever) value...but not enough value to be allowed to continue to live after doing nothing wrong.
What have we become? Where in our human existence do we casually talk about what we can gain after strategically crushing and destroying the most innocent, vulnerable of life? How can someone look at those little parts and not see life? Not see a being worth protecting? A being worth being given a chance to just...live?
It was in that moment that I solidified my opinion on abortion. I decided I would not just say "Well, I'm pro-choice, but I hope a woman would choose not to have an abortion."
No. It needs to be illegal again. And I'll tell you why. It has little to do with God or anecdotal stories about people that could've been aborted but weren't and grew up to be movers and shakers in our world. Because I know that has little impact on the blind defenders of Planned Parenthood and abortion.
Here's the deal. I'm all for the women's pro-choice movement. Here are the choices women have:
If women have the capacity to decide to have an abortion after getting pregnant, they have the capacity to get on the pill (or whatever) before getting pregnant.
I'm not trying to defund Planned Parenthood, they offer valuable services to communities who need it. I just want to reappropriate their funding: make abortion illegal (except in extreme circumstances like a medical necessity, rape, incest, etc...like any other major medical procedure (or prescription) that is illegal unless deemed necessary by medical professionals) and whatever funding Planned Parenthood got for abortions goes to expanding the resources of prevention. Read that last sentence again before you freak out: abortion would be made illegal except in cases where the pregnancy is a danger to the mother, result of rape or incest, or other extreme circumstances. Which is a very small percentage of the 40 million abortions every year.
Put condoms on every corner. Throw the Pill from parade floats. Increase and improve sex education, which means abstinence only states must suck it up and provide REAL sex education. All in an effort to make sure there is NO excuse for an unwanted pregnancy.
Which, honestly, there isn't really now either. Abortion is simply not a necessary "choice" anymore.
I watched an episode of the Midwife (great show) that takes place in the 1940s in Britain where one mother had more children than she could handle. Like, she literally couldn't feed them all. And then she got pregnant again. She was desperate to get rid of the unborn child because she couldn't even take care of the ones she had. She went to get a back alley abortion...which almost killed her.
I cried for her. I sympathized with the desperation. The feeling of the lack of choices. But do you know how that episode started? She asked for the Pill (a new technology at the time), but was denied. Which is what led to the attempted and dangerous abortion.
Can you imagine that today? Someone walking into a public health service asking for birth control and being denied? Nope. Never. I've been married 10 years and have two children. Why have I never been desperate enough to seek an abortion? We use birth control.
And THAT is why abortion is not necessary and should not be legal. Women don't need that choice anymore. We have plenty of other choices other than wondering if Planned Parenthood is strategically murdering tiny humans so they can use their organs for profit or research (and that is seriously not the point of this blog).
Women do have choices. This isn't the stone age, 1800s, or even 1940s anymore. Want to have sex but don't want to get pregnant? Super. Choose 1) the pill 2) an IUD 3) condoms. Look. Choices. Choices that women didn't have even in the middle of the last century. Abortion is not new, it's only gotten safer for women. What is new is all the options we have to make sure it doesn't get to that point.
Oh I forgot, there is option 4)have irresponsible sex and possibly get pregnant. Under my plan, this means you deal with the consequences of choosing life-making activities without using life-preventing technology. You continue make that life because it did nothing wrong and doesn't deserve to die (and yes, even "clusters of cells" die...skin cells die all the time. Death is death. The difference is skin cells don't have the potential to become a complete human being within a matter of months if just left alone and not sucked out of the womb).
Life has consequences. Choices (and non-choices) have consequences. Sometimes they are hard. But if we give women (and men) all the opportunities, resources, and education in the world to prevent an unwanted pregnancy and they don't take advantage, than they have a responsibility to see it through. It's a nine month commitment at most if she wants...and I bet she'll use birth control next time (and it's less than a murder sentence since so many conservatives call abortion murder). Repeat offenders would be very few if we actually expect people to live with the consequences of their actions.
Because that is not a cluster of cells. By 11.6 weeks that life has organs, as seen in that video. Organs that would help it live, breathe, think, love, see the beauty of life. A body that would have grown, thrived, been loved by someone, and impacted other lives.
It has intrinsic value. Just like the life of a majestic lion or endangered eagles egg. The difference is the potential for that human life is even greater, yet we protect it less. The only philosophy class I took in college was Ethics. The only thing I took from that class is that we place value/priority on something/life based on its potential. What could have more potential than the beginnings of life in the womb?
By all accounts, no one likes abortion. Women don't like getting them. Doctors don't like doing them. Babies don't like getting them. So why do we do them when they simply are not necessary in our day in age? Because we are SO hung up on individual freedom that we can't even see it's wrong to destroy the most vulnerable of lives who can't speak up for themselves.
Women have so many freedoms on how to handle their sexuality and family planning it's laughable when people say they support abortion because they want women to have a choice? They DID have choices. Actually planning ahead choices, not "oh crap, we really should've stopped at the drug store and gotten some condoms" choices. And her/his poor planning or crappy decision doesn't suddenly give her rights of individual freedom priority over the life she created to simply exist. Support her during that process, give her all the medical and emotional support she needs, but do not allow her to end life because of a bad choice when she had all the opportunity to make a better one.
We are so hung up on individual rights that we can't even say, "Hey man, that's wrong. Sorry if that inconveniences you for a few months, but ending that sweet, precious, innocent life is wrong." Even when she had plenty of opportunity to prevent it.
So again, here's the plan: don't defund Planned Parenthood. Make abortion illegal (except in extreme circumstances) and use those funds and resources to get Planned Parenthood, community organizations, and other public health agencies to team up and make sure birth control and sex education is available to anyone and everyone. If we don't make abortion illegal than it will continue to be a safety net and that's just not ok when it could be avoided all together.
What do you think of the plan? Can we do it? I think we can if both sides, but especially my moderate peers stand up and say "THIS is what we want. THIS actually helps women. THIS actually prevents unwanted pregnancy. THIS saves lives."
Abortion. Harvesting baby parts. It's all over the news. And rightfully so.
I was a bit skeptical when the first video came out and watched the edited version. It didn't look good for Planned Parenthood, but figured they find a way to spin their way out of it or whatever. Then a second and third video, which I honestly didn't watch. More fuel for the conservative right to the anti-abortion/pro-life movement for them. Planned Parenthood/Pro-Choice/Pro-abortion defenders defended it with the expected "it was edited such and such" without really watching it.
Blind support on both sides. What I expected and it didn't affect my previous opinion or behaviors regarding abortion.
When the fourth video that "proved" Planned Parenthood was "harvesting" and "selling" baby parts came out as the most damning video, I figured I'd better watch it and see what was so damning about it.
It was horrifying. But what horrified may not be what you think. Assuming that Planned Parenthood isn't doing anything illegal (which many argue they are), I was horrified by the manner of the conversation.
They called this child's organs "product." They gave it a monetary value. They giggled. They laughed. They callously talked about how useful (and financially valuable) this baby was in pieces. They talked about how it was more valuable "in tact" ie actually born. I was disgusted.
And I kept watching. I heard them crush a skull and the sift through the parts asking if there was any use for the eyeball. No.
That child would've had use for that eyeball.
And that was for a child well within the first trimester at 11.6 weeks, which is legal to abort in every state. It had identifiable HUMAN body parts that apparently have monetary (or research, whatever) value...but not enough value to be allowed to continue to live after doing nothing wrong.
What have we become? Where in our human existence do we casually talk about what we can gain after strategically crushing and destroying the most innocent, vulnerable of life? How can someone look at those little parts and not see life? Not see a being worth protecting? A being worth being given a chance to just...live?
It was in that moment that I solidified my opinion on abortion. I decided I would not just say "Well, I'm pro-choice, but I hope a woman would choose not to have an abortion."
No. It needs to be illegal again. And I'll tell you why. It has little to do with God or anecdotal stories about people that could've been aborted but weren't and grew up to be movers and shakers in our world. Because I know that has little impact on the blind defenders of Planned Parenthood and abortion.
Here's the deal. I'm all for the women's pro-choice movement. Here are the choices women have:
- The pill (hundreds of different kinds of birth control pills)
- An IUD
- Condoms
- Abstinence (and do not shake your head at this one because I believe in women and men enough to know they can and do abstain).
If women have the capacity to decide to have an abortion after getting pregnant, they have the capacity to get on the pill (or whatever) before getting pregnant.
I'm not trying to defund Planned Parenthood, they offer valuable services to communities who need it. I just want to reappropriate their funding: make abortion illegal (except in extreme circumstances like a medical necessity, rape, incest, etc...like any other major medical procedure (or prescription) that is illegal unless deemed necessary by medical professionals) and whatever funding Planned Parenthood got for abortions goes to expanding the resources of prevention. Read that last sentence again before you freak out: abortion would be made illegal except in cases where the pregnancy is a danger to the mother, result of rape or incest, or other extreme circumstances. Which is a very small percentage of the 40 million abortions every year.
Put condoms on every corner. Throw the Pill from parade floats. Increase and improve sex education, which means abstinence only states must suck it up and provide REAL sex education. All in an effort to make sure there is NO excuse for an unwanted pregnancy.
Which, honestly, there isn't really now either. Abortion is simply not a necessary "choice" anymore.
I watched an episode of the Midwife (great show) that takes place in the 1940s in Britain where one mother had more children than she could handle. Like, she literally couldn't feed them all. And then she got pregnant again. She was desperate to get rid of the unborn child because she couldn't even take care of the ones she had. She went to get a back alley abortion...which almost killed her.
I cried for her. I sympathized with the desperation. The feeling of the lack of choices. But do you know how that episode started? She asked for the Pill (a new technology at the time), but was denied. Which is what led to the attempted and dangerous abortion.
Can you imagine that today? Someone walking into a public health service asking for birth control and being denied? Nope. Never. I've been married 10 years and have two children. Why have I never been desperate enough to seek an abortion? We use birth control.
And THAT is why abortion is not necessary and should not be legal. Women don't need that choice anymore. We have plenty of other choices other than wondering if Planned Parenthood is strategically murdering tiny humans so they can use their organs for profit or research (and that is seriously not the point of this blog).
Women do have choices. This isn't the stone age, 1800s, or even 1940s anymore. Want to have sex but don't want to get pregnant? Super. Choose 1) the pill 2) an IUD 3) condoms. Look. Choices. Choices that women didn't have even in the middle of the last century. Abortion is not new, it's only gotten safer for women. What is new is all the options we have to make sure it doesn't get to that point.
Oh I forgot, there is option 4)have irresponsible sex and possibly get pregnant. Under my plan, this means you deal with the consequences of choosing life-making activities without using life-preventing technology. You continue make that life because it did nothing wrong and doesn't deserve to die (and yes, even "clusters of cells" die...skin cells die all the time. Death is death. The difference is skin cells don't have the potential to become a complete human being within a matter of months if just left alone and not sucked out of the womb).
Life has consequences. Choices (and non-choices) have consequences. Sometimes they are hard. But if we give women (and men) all the opportunities, resources, and education in the world to prevent an unwanted pregnancy and they don't take advantage, than they have a responsibility to see it through. It's a nine month commitment at most if she wants...and I bet she'll use birth control next time (and it's less than a murder sentence since so many conservatives call abortion murder). Repeat offenders would be very few if we actually expect people to live with the consequences of their actions.
Because that is not a cluster of cells. By 11.6 weeks that life has organs, as seen in that video. Organs that would help it live, breathe, think, love, see the beauty of life. A body that would have grown, thrived, been loved by someone, and impacted other lives.
It has intrinsic value. Just like the life of a majestic lion or endangered eagles egg. The difference is the potential for that human life is even greater, yet we protect it less. The only philosophy class I took in college was Ethics. The only thing I took from that class is that we place value/priority on something/life based on its potential. What could have more potential than the beginnings of life in the womb?
By all accounts, no one likes abortion. Women don't like getting them. Doctors don't like doing them. Babies don't like getting them. So why do we do them when they simply are not necessary in our day in age? Because we are SO hung up on individual freedom that we can't even see it's wrong to destroy the most vulnerable of lives who can't speak up for themselves.
Women have so many freedoms on how to handle their sexuality and family planning it's laughable when people say they support abortion because they want women to have a choice? They DID have choices. Actually planning ahead choices, not "oh crap, we really should've stopped at the drug store and gotten some condoms" choices. And her/his poor planning or crappy decision doesn't suddenly give her rights of individual freedom priority over the life she created to simply exist. Support her during that process, give her all the medical and emotional support she needs, but do not allow her to end life because of a bad choice when she had all the opportunity to make a better one.
We are so hung up on individual rights that we can't even say, "Hey man, that's wrong. Sorry if that inconveniences you for a few months, but ending that sweet, precious, innocent life is wrong." Even when she had plenty of opportunity to prevent it.
So again, here's the plan: don't defund Planned Parenthood. Make abortion illegal (except in extreme circumstances) and use those funds and resources to get Planned Parenthood, community organizations, and other public health agencies to team up and make sure birth control and sex education is available to anyone and everyone. If we don't make abortion illegal than it will continue to be a safety net and that's just not ok when it could be avoided all together.
What do you think of the plan? Can we do it? I think we can if both sides, but especially my moderate peers stand up and say "THIS is what we want. THIS actually helps women. THIS actually prevents unwanted pregnancy. THIS saves lives."
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Starving for 3 Full-Sized Pancakes...and a Bit of Compassion
The story of a crass restaurant owner vs a vicious "demon" of a 21 month year old is all over the interwebs.
I'll admit, when the story first came out and I hadn't read into the details, I sided with the Darla Neugebaur, the owner of the diner. I certainly have my opinions on current parenting trends (ie I think parents don't let their kids take enough chances, make them soft, too much technology, etc). However, with those issues are other more positive ones: more present parenting, the benefits of early education, mothers/fathers sharing child rearing duties more equally, etc.
I was fully prepared to jump on the "those irresponsible parents should've taken their screaming child out" bandwagon.
However, the more I read about this story, the more uncomfortable I became with that. For the purpose of this article let's just assume that the child was being loud (not screaming at the top of her lungs for 30 minutes like the owner said but more than a one-time whimper...somewhere in the middle lies the truth). I read somewhere (albeit I couldn't find the original source) that other customers said the child wasn't being all that disruptive but cried/complained for about 5 minutes.
But that's neither here nor there. Let's assume the parents should have taken the child out as many think they should have and, honestly, as I probably would've (and have) done.
But they didn't.
And apparently that warrants a verbal assault and borderline physical threat on Facebook.
And people are applauding this woman because the public has a right to eat their overpriced pancakes without the presence of unhappy children more than a child has a right to...be a child...or parents have a right to make an error in judgment.
Then it got kind of sickening.
I completely understand the ignorant comments from people who don't have children (including the owner of this diner). "If I had kids, I would NEVER let them make a peep in a restaurant" bla bla bla. Seriously, shut it. You have no idea what it's like to vacation with a toddler. My six year old was a volatile, terrible sleeper of a toddler. And, oh, vacations. It was the worst on vacation. So seriously, shut it.
But the worst is coming from other parents. To read the judgement when there should be compassion is...heartbreaking. "My child/grandchild ALWAYS behaved in public..." and "We taught our children to bla bla bla." You, my friends, are full of crap or have forgotten what it's like to have toddlers. *Note: child care workers, it doesn't count when it's other people's kids because kids ALWAYS behave better for other adults.
And let's remember that not all children are the same. There are very mild-mannered, quiet children. And there are children, well, like mine. They speak their mind and when they've made up their mind about something there is very little amount of righteous bribery that will sway them. This personality trait will serve them well later in life, but it sure makes them hard to parent and, yes, take out in public sometimes. As they've gotten older, of course, it's gotten easier, but at 21 months? Goodness sakes. And on vacation? Yikes.
Some have commented, "Well, you people don't understand. My child has ADHD/autism/etc..." and then the response is usually "Oh, well, you're probably doing the best you can do. We don't fault parents of kids with special needs..." Let me tell ya something: all 21 month olds have ADHD and special needs. They aren't reasoning, thinking people yet. They feel hunger, they cry. They feel stress, the cry. And how do you know this child doesn't have special needs? Maybe the parents don't even know yet. The point is you DON'T KNOW, so take the owner's advice and shut the hell up.
For the folks saying, "Well, then you shouldn't take them out in public." Srsly? You are probably the same people without children who go on about how kids these days are so sheltered, have no life-experiences, no manners, bla bla bla. How are kids supposed to get those experiences and learn if we just lock them up? And for that matter, how are these parents supposed to learn?
I guess that's what I'm getting at. Assuming the parents should've taken their child out of the restaurant, why can't we just sum that up as a parenting misjudgment instead of putting them on blast as "the problem with parents in today's age." You, without kids: you don't get a say. You, with kids: I'm sure you've made as many parenting mistakes as I have and as the parents in this story have. And instead of saying, "Man, I've been there" or "We all make mistakes, chin up," we're lining up to say "I raised my child to never misbehave in public, which proves I'm doing something right..." which you really probably wrote just to make yourself feel better about all times you've screwed up. Some publicly, most privately.
And to those of you jumped on the "I'm with the owner, kids in restaurants are the worst!" bandwagon, did you even read what she ADMITTED she did? She screamed at a toddler to "shut the hell up." She went on her business Facebook account using foul and crude language to lambast these people and their TODDLER, threatened them, complained about making THREE pancakes (and, omg, pancakes do not take that long to make, especially when the batter is already made), she called the toddler rotten and demon (which she based on this one encounter), told the husband he didn't have any balls, and admitted she thrived on hate.
You want to be on the side of that? I don't care how awful the child's behavior was. Chalk it up to a bad day in the service industry and move on. But people are applauding her for standing up for "people's god-given right to have brunch without disruption." Yes, perhaps the parents should've taken their child out and it's her private business and she can do whatever she wants, but to applaud such disgusting behavior is beyond me. To applaud the verbal assault and online bullying of this family is semi-horrifying. Whatever "rightness" Neugebaur had, she lost in the delivery. Now she's just wrong.
It seems to me that we have put an individual's right to eat overpriced pancakes undisturbed and a disturbed GROWN-ASS woman's right to scream at a toddler over a child's innocence. And over parents who simply made a misjudgment and are probably trying to do their best.
Neugebaur is right. No one needs 3 full-sized pancakes. But we could all dish out a bit more compassion and less judgement.
I'll admit, when the story first came out and I hadn't read into the details, I sided with the Darla Neugebaur, the owner of the diner. I certainly have my opinions on current parenting trends (ie I think parents don't let their kids take enough chances, make them soft, too much technology, etc). However, with those issues are other more positive ones: more present parenting, the benefits of early education, mothers/fathers sharing child rearing duties more equally, etc.
I was fully prepared to jump on the "those irresponsible parents should've taken their screaming child out" bandwagon.
However, the more I read about this story, the more uncomfortable I became with that. For the purpose of this article let's just assume that the child was being loud (not screaming at the top of her lungs for 30 minutes like the owner said but more than a one-time whimper...somewhere in the middle lies the truth). I read somewhere (albeit I couldn't find the original source) that other customers said the child wasn't being all that disruptive but cried/complained for about 5 minutes.
But that's neither here nor there. Let's assume the parents should have taken the child out as many think they should have and, honestly, as I probably would've (and have) done.
But they didn't.
And apparently that warrants a verbal assault and borderline physical threat on Facebook.
And people are applauding this woman because the public has a right to eat their overpriced pancakes without the presence of unhappy children more than a child has a right to...be a child...or parents have a right to make an error in judgment.
Then it got kind of sickening.
I completely understand the ignorant comments from people who don't have children (including the owner of this diner). "If I had kids, I would NEVER let them make a peep in a restaurant" bla bla bla. Seriously, shut it. You have no idea what it's like to vacation with a toddler. My six year old was a volatile, terrible sleeper of a toddler. And, oh, vacations. It was the worst on vacation. So seriously, shut it.
But the worst is coming from other parents. To read the judgement when there should be compassion is...heartbreaking. "My child/grandchild ALWAYS behaved in public..." and "We taught our children to bla bla bla." You, my friends, are full of crap or have forgotten what it's like to have toddlers. *Note: child care workers, it doesn't count when it's other people's kids because kids ALWAYS behave better for other adults.
And let's remember that not all children are the same. There are very mild-mannered, quiet children. And there are children, well, like mine. They speak their mind and when they've made up their mind about something there is very little amount of righteous bribery that will sway them. This personality trait will serve them well later in life, but it sure makes them hard to parent and, yes, take out in public sometimes. As they've gotten older, of course, it's gotten easier, but at 21 months? Goodness sakes. And on vacation? Yikes.
Some have commented, "Well, you people don't understand. My child has ADHD/autism/etc..." and then the response is usually "Oh, well, you're probably doing the best you can do. We don't fault parents of kids with special needs..." Let me tell ya something: all 21 month olds have ADHD and special needs. They aren't reasoning, thinking people yet. They feel hunger, they cry. They feel stress, the cry. And how do you know this child doesn't have special needs? Maybe the parents don't even know yet. The point is you DON'T KNOW, so take the owner's advice and shut the hell up.
For the folks saying, "Well, then you shouldn't take them out in public." Srsly? You are probably the same people without children who go on about how kids these days are so sheltered, have no life-experiences, no manners, bla bla bla. How are kids supposed to get those experiences and learn if we just lock them up? And for that matter, how are these parents supposed to learn?
I guess that's what I'm getting at. Assuming the parents should've taken their child out of the restaurant, why can't we just sum that up as a parenting misjudgment instead of putting them on blast as "the problem with parents in today's age." You, without kids: you don't get a say. You, with kids: I'm sure you've made as many parenting mistakes as I have and as the parents in this story have. And instead of saying, "Man, I've been there" or "We all make mistakes, chin up," we're lining up to say "I raised my child to never misbehave in public, which proves I'm doing something right..." which you really probably wrote just to make yourself feel better about all times you've screwed up. Some publicly, most privately.
And to those of you jumped on the "I'm with the owner, kids in restaurants are the worst!" bandwagon, did you even read what she ADMITTED she did? She screamed at a toddler to "shut the hell up." She went on her business Facebook account using foul and crude language to lambast these people and their TODDLER, threatened them, complained about making THREE pancakes (and, omg, pancakes do not take that long to make, especially when the batter is already made), she called the toddler rotten and demon (which she based on this one encounter), told the husband he didn't have any balls, and admitted she thrived on hate.
You want to be on the side of that? I don't care how awful the child's behavior was. Chalk it up to a bad day in the service industry and move on. But people are applauding her for standing up for "people's god-given right to have brunch without disruption." Yes, perhaps the parents should've taken their child out and it's her private business and she can do whatever she wants, but to applaud such disgusting behavior is beyond me. To applaud the verbal assault and online bullying of this family is semi-horrifying. Whatever "rightness" Neugebaur had, she lost in the delivery. Now she's just wrong.
It seems to me that we have put an individual's right to eat overpriced pancakes undisturbed and a disturbed GROWN-ASS woman's right to scream at a toddler over a child's innocence. And over parents who simply made a misjudgment and are probably trying to do their best.
Neugebaur is right. No one needs 3 full-sized pancakes. But we could all dish out a bit more compassion and less judgement.
Monday, June 29, 2015
The Lord's Evaluation of Life Does Not Include Convincing People Gay Marriage is Wrong
When I was applying to become a Resident Advisor before my sophomore year of college, they ran applicants through a series of screenings. The one I remember was a group discussion about a controversial topic (if memory serves, the topic was actually about residents' right to hang a Confederate flag in their room/window even as it offended other residents). I was ready. In my young mind, I knew I was right and I was ready to show all those evaluating me how smart, quick, assertive, and correct I was. I thought I did pretty well showing everyone how correct I was.
A little while later I received my evaluation, including the criteria of what I was being evaluated on...and a notice that I had been put on the "wait-list" for the job. What?! Hadn't they seen how brilliant I was? Didn't they see how right I was and how boldly I stood up for what was right?!
Turns out, they didn't really care. Being "right" wasn't listed as one of the criteria. However, genuinely listening, not interrupting, etc. WERE some of the criteria. I felt like a fool. I replayed in my mind the times and I had let myself be incredulous at someone's opinion or interrupted or completely shut them down. This was the first time in my life where I realized that in SO many situations it really doesn't matter what you say (even if it's right), it matters HOW you listen and HOW you express yourself.
In the days following the Supreme Court ruling to grant gay couples the right to be married, I have thought of my experience of evaluation of expression many times. For both sides. And it made me wonder, does the Lord really care about politics? Does the Lord really care about the Supreme Court ruling? Does He care whether we voluntarily take care of the poor or we put in place a government that "forces" us to do it as long as the poor are taken care of?
Perhaps the evaluation of our lives is more about HOW we conduct ourselves in relation to others and, of course, our own personal obedience to the ordinances and principals of truth that we know. I would imagine on the Lord's syllabus for our lives, there isn't one bullet point where it says, "Convinced at least 2 people via Facebook that gay marriage is wrong."
As an LDS born and raised where Mormons are the minority (in fact, where religion in general is a minority), maybe I'm just used to being around people who believe differently than me. In fact, no matter we live, we should be kind of used to it. I rarely see Mormons condemning people who choose to drink alcohol. I rarely see Mormons condemning people who have children before they are married. I rarely see Mormons telling people to "take our country back" because pretty much every store everywhere is open on Sundays. These are all things we believe strongly in, so why don't we do it? Because we also know that life is complicated and it is completely unreasonable to hold all people to a standard they don't believe in. It's a losing fight and, honestly, a waste of energy I need to be putting into my own spirituality and my own family. THAT is how the kingdom is established; not politics. And definitely not the interwebs.
I will boldly and lovingly state what I believe in an appropriate place and time...and then let people choose.
I remember having a religious discussion with a friend from high school who asked what Mormons believe about homosexuality and gay marriage. I told her in as a respectful but firm way as possible. A time later she told me she was gay and I panicked remembering our discussion and wracked my brain for anything I could've said that might have hurt her...because she was my friend from childhood and I love her. I was relieved when I realized I didn't say anything I would take back and nothing that caused her to not want to be my friend even though we disagreed. In fact, she was a Mormon defender when she moved to the South and people would make comments :)
But this is how we should conduct ourselves. On both sides. I didn't say what I said to hurt her, but we knew where each other stood...and then we continued on being friends! There was no trying to convince each other. In fact, we need to get ourselves out of the convincing business, my dear LDS. Talk about what we have, what we know, and then let others decide. Some will say yes, some will say no. And the one's who say no, well, that's not on us anymore. So just continue to love on but move on from it. Trying to convince people hardly ever works. With anything.
But let me tell you this: the work of the Lord will go on. There is no need to fear or freak out or tell people they are going to hell or (my personal favorite) "gay marriage is satanic." I remember in the midst of dealing with a broken heart over an ex-boyfriend who just couldn't see the merits of becoming LDS to be with me forever (I was a dumb college girl), I told my father, "But he would make such a good Mormon!" My dad calmly replied, "Vanessa, the work will go forth without him. The stone will not stop rolling because he didn't join the Church." THAT was stick of truth that smacked me in the head, big time.
That is my sentiment to you, my fine LDS. The work will go forth with or without gay marriage. So perhaps, you should consider the fact that, no matter how right you think you are, you are being evaluated on HOW you say what you say...and not actually being right.
Honestly, I don't know what the Lord thinks of a temporal government granting a legal marriage to gay couples. And neither do you. Making judgement calls like that is above my pay grade and it's above yours. So don't do it. Believe in traditional marriage. Stand for Celestial marriage. But do not pretend to know what your Father in Heaven thinks of people in a situation you do not understand. We are not called to do that.
Focus on what you know is on the evaluation (ie YOUR covenants) and remember, there is no requirement for convincing people via Facebook.
Turns out, they didn't really care. Being "right" wasn't listed as one of the criteria. However, genuinely listening, not interrupting, etc. WERE some of the criteria. I felt like a fool. I replayed in my mind the times and I had let myself be incredulous at someone's opinion or interrupted or completely shut them down. This was the first time in my life where I realized that in SO many situations it really doesn't matter what you say (even if it's right), it matters HOW you listen and HOW you express yourself.
In the days following the Supreme Court ruling to grant gay couples the right to be married, I have thought of my experience of evaluation of expression many times. For both sides. And it made me wonder, does the Lord really care about politics? Does the Lord really care about the Supreme Court ruling? Does He care whether we voluntarily take care of the poor or we put in place a government that "forces" us to do it as long as the poor are taken care of?
Perhaps the evaluation of our lives is more about HOW we conduct ourselves in relation to others and, of course, our own personal obedience to the ordinances and principals of truth that we know. I would imagine on the Lord's syllabus for our lives, there isn't one bullet point where it says, "Convinced at least 2 people via Facebook that gay marriage is wrong."
As an LDS born and raised where Mormons are the minority (in fact, where religion in general is a minority), maybe I'm just used to being around people who believe differently than me. In fact, no matter we live, we should be kind of used to it. I rarely see Mormons condemning people who choose to drink alcohol. I rarely see Mormons condemning people who have children before they are married. I rarely see Mormons telling people to "take our country back" because pretty much every store everywhere is open on Sundays. These are all things we believe strongly in, so why don't we do it? Because we also know that life is complicated and it is completely unreasonable to hold all people to a standard they don't believe in. It's a losing fight and, honestly, a waste of energy I need to be putting into my own spirituality and my own family. THAT is how the kingdom is established; not politics. And definitely not the interwebs.
I will boldly and lovingly state what I believe in an appropriate place and time...and then let people choose.
I remember having a religious discussion with a friend from high school who asked what Mormons believe about homosexuality and gay marriage. I told her in as a respectful but firm way as possible. A time later she told me she was gay and I panicked remembering our discussion and wracked my brain for anything I could've said that might have hurt her...because she was my friend from childhood and I love her. I was relieved when I realized I didn't say anything I would take back and nothing that caused her to not want to be my friend even though we disagreed. In fact, she was a Mormon defender when she moved to the South and people would make comments :)
But this is how we should conduct ourselves. On both sides. I didn't say what I said to hurt her, but we knew where each other stood...and then we continued on being friends! There was no trying to convince each other. In fact, we need to get ourselves out of the convincing business, my dear LDS. Talk about what we have, what we know, and then let others decide. Some will say yes, some will say no. And the one's who say no, well, that's not on us anymore. So just continue to love on but move on from it. Trying to convince people hardly ever works. With anything.
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| The work will go forth, do not panic. |
That is my sentiment to you, my fine LDS. The work will go forth with or without gay marriage. So perhaps, you should consider the fact that, no matter how right you think you are, you are being evaluated on HOW you say what you say...and not actually being right.
Honestly, I don't know what the Lord thinks of a temporal government granting a legal marriage to gay couples. And neither do you. Making judgement calls like that is above my pay grade and it's above yours. So don't do it. Believe in traditional marriage. Stand for Celestial marriage. But do not pretend to know what your Father in Heaven thinks of people in a situation you do not understand. We are not called to do that.
Focus on what you know is on the evaluation (ie YOUR covenants) and remember, there is no requirement for convincing people via Facebook.
Monday, March 23, 2015
Enduring (Well) Motherhood
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| A photo I took of topped tulips. Sometimes I feel like that. |
I have...not easy children. I love them dearly. But they are both strong-willed, high-energy, one is really high strung, etc. We've been sick, we've had a couple disappointments, dad has been gone a lot, etc.
It was kind of a negative blog. Cathartic, but a downer.
I found myself pondering my rantings and I didn't like it. I thought, "Man, if I want something "more" why don't I just invest that time and energy into being a "more," better mom, homemaker, educator of my kids?" So last week I tried more. Just a little bit. I made a schedule of each day (one of my biggest struggles because each day is very different...yet very the same), planned ideas of things to do in case of "dull" moments so the whole day wouldn't be filled with tv (major source of guilt), etc and we had a more fulfilling week.
As I pondered this and other things, my mind turned to the idea of persistence. I turned to my scriptures but the word "persistence" does not really exist in them (that I could find).
However the word "endure" does. And that made me think of a talk by one of our LDS apostles all about "Enduring it Well". I was just enduring motherhood for the most part recently (sleepless nights, sick kids, misbehavior, etc). I can honestly say, I was not enduring it well. My whole focus for the last couple weeks about feeling unfulfilled was a testament of that. In fact, during a heated discussion, my husband pointed out "if something is a priority, you just make it happen" (what he was talking about wasn't kid-related). I got all riled up and told him, "Do you want to know what my priority is? Survival. I am in survival mode. Pretty much all the time. My priority is keeping our kids alive, fed, safe, whatever. THAT'S my priority. Survival." I was merely surviving as a mom...but yet I wanted something else. No wonder I was feeling so conflicted.
I was enduring. But, obviously, based on that conversation with my husband I was not enduring well. (We rolled over and went to sleep after that. After 10 years of marriage that is a tip I will give newlyweds every time: sometimes it's ok to go to sleep angry. Odds are you're both tired and cranky and won't remember what you're angry about in the morning.)
As I read my scriptures searching for more about "enduring well," I found this: "And it shall come to pass, that whoso...endureth to the end, behold, him will I hold guiltless before my Father at that day when I shall stand to judge the world." (3 Nephi 27:16)
GUILTLESS. That word jumped out to me. I had felt guilty about the things I wasn't doing as a mom that I felt I should. I felt guilty that I felt all I could do was survive as a mom. I felt guilty that I felt I wanted something in addition to "just" being a mom. And here it was in scripture saying that if I endured (and I'll add "endure well"), I would be held guiltless. I didn't need to be perfect. I didn't need to feel like motherhood was all I ever wanted.
In a way, I felt like my the Lord was validating my feelings while also saying, "Stay the course. I know how you feel."
I felt like He was saying, "I know what I've asked of you is hard. In fact, that's why I asked you to stay home. It's where you will learn the most. It's where your family needs you. I know it's not what you want necessarily. I know you want to do other things. I am not upset with you because you have those feelings. I know it's hard. I don't expect perfection, so do the best you can. Finish what we started, truly try your best, and everything will be just fine."
If the Lord will hold me guiltless, why shouldn't I hold me guiltless? I must try better at this...and if you're a mother like me, you must be, too.
And this one: "And blessed are they who shall seek to bring forth my Zion at that day, for they shall have the gift and the power of the Holy Ghost; and if they endure unto the end they shall be lifted up..." (2 Nephi 13: 37)
Lifted up. That's what I need. I needed to be lifted. And in order to do that, I need to endure and endure it well. I need to not just survive this time (endure), but change my attitude and put more into it. Even if it's just scheduling our days better. Even if it's just being prepared with go-to indoor activities. Even if it's letting my desire to redo my bathroom go for a little while so I can sit and read to my son. I know these seems trivial, but for me as someone who can't sit still, who always feels like I need to be doing something productive (ie with visible/tangible results), it's a challenge.
In raising my children in the gospel, am I not seeking to bring forth Zion? Of course. And as I continue to do that, this scripture told me I am entitled to the gift and power of the Holy Ghost. So as much as I feel like I'm alone doing this (I am during the day...and evening...and sometimes night) while my husband is at work, etc. I have been reassured that I am raising up Zion and, so, am not alone.
I will endure this season in my life, but also try to endure it well. I know that every day doesn't have to be perfect (my kids are watching tv as I write this), but as long as I TRY, I will have the Holy Ghost with me, will be lifted up, and will be held guiltless.
So can you.
Whether you are of my faith or not, I hope you feel the truth in this. Get rid of the guilt (the Lord has) and find just one way to not just endure, but endure better. Not perfectly, not even successfully, but try.
Thursday, March 12, 2015
When I Have Nothing Left to Give...
We have had a rough few days.
Last week Vivi got sick. Nothing major. Low-grade fever, just feeling icky. But at night time she would wake up inconsolable. First it was because she wasn't feeling well, then it was because of bad dreams. She was waking up crying 5-6 times per night. That lasted 3-4 nights.
And then, as sickness do, it jumped to Malcom. He woke up a couple times feeling like he needed to vomit, but couldn't. Then his ear hurt. Then he wanted water. All kinds of tears. During the day, he just felt kind of icky with a low grade fever, etc.
But at night time. Ohhhhh, nighttime. He was waking up screaming and crying. Snakes were biting his eyes. Something was tearing him to pieces. Nightmares everywhere. Sometimes he woke up not feeling well, but it mostly seemed to be night terrors. Waking up multiple times a night just crying inconsolably for a while.
We have done this for 4 nights now with Malcom after not quite recovering with Vivi. Gradually it has gotten a little better, but it's slowly killing me. Seriously. They have never been good sleepers, so I'm used to getting woken up a couple times a night, but this is a whole new level.
Last night I gave both kids Benadryl before bed (don't judge me). An hour later Vivi got up and was crying. Internally, I was screaming "What the heck?! You aren't even sick! You're supposed to be the ok one!" But I let her crawl and snuggle on my lap while I read my book. She whimpered, twitched, and cried out a couple times. After about ten minutes of this, Malcom started crying in his bed.
"Oh dear God," I thought. "Please no. I can't do this anymore. And it's only 8pm."
Did I mention my husband was out of town? And when he is in town I rarely see him anyway? Moving on...
I carried Vivi to her bed and then sat down next Malcom crying (still kinda sleeping) in his bed. I tried to wake him up so he knew he was safe and that mommy was right there (he kept saying "I want Mommy!" with his eyes closed). He quieted down an I just sat on the edge of his bed, crying. Not daring to move in case he were to wake up.
I sat there and cried and thought, "I have nothing left to give these kids. I am empty."
And it was true. I had no compassion. No tenderness. Nothing left to give these kids except "Shhhh. You're fine," and my pleas to stay in bed and stay sleeping.
I had nothing left to give.
As I thought about this, I didn't feel upset at myself. I couldn't. I was empty. I couldn't even feel like I was a terrible mom. At that point, I was just a shell.
I had nothing left to give.
And then the thought occurred to me, "Lord, I have nothing left to give these kids. So I'm giving them to you. They will not feel love and tenderness from me right now when they call out, so I'm going to hand that over to you right now. I need you to fill them with your love because, right now, I've got nothing."
Then I got up and walked out of their room and stuffed my face with some amazing homemade hot chocolate that a friend dropped off for me because she knew I was having a tough few days.
I'd like to say they both stayed in their beds and slept through the night, but they didn't. Malcom woke up a couple hours later crying inconsolably for a few minutes while I held him and kept watching my shows. Eventually he snapped out of it and I let him watch my shows with me, eat a couple of my Starburst jelly beans, and then crawl into bed with me.
As Malcom lay in my bed, though, he also let me hold his hand. In that moment, I felt the love return. I felt a little bit of patience return.
So here's the point of all this: Moms, if you feel like you have nothing left to give, you're not alone. You're not a bad mom. You don't not love your children (how's that for a loaded double negative). As moms, our job description is to pour into everyone else. And sometimes when we don't get a chance to be poured into because of lack of sleep, lack of time, lack of a spouse/partner around, etc. we hit empty. It happens.
I am blessed with friends who have been very honest with me about the good and bad times of parenting. I appreciate it when other moms say "This sucks. Imma 'bout to lose my ish." Because it makes me feel like I'm not so weird. Like I'm not some horrible mom and everyone else is just better at dealing with the hard times.
And so I share this: sometimes I have nothing left to give. I literally don't even want to be around my kids.
And that's ok. Because, in sum, they know I love them. They know I'm here for them.
But sometimes mommy just needs to eat chocolate and watch her shows alone.
Last week Vivi got sick. Nothing major. Low-grade fever, just feeling icky. But at night time she would wake up inconsolable. First it was because she wasn't feeling well, then it was because of bad dreams. She was waking up crying 5-6 times per night. That lasted 3-4 nights.
And then, as sickness do, it jumped to Malcom. He woke up a couple times feeling like he needed to vomit, but couldn't. Then his ear hurt. Then he wanted water. All kinds of tears. During the day, he just felt kind of icky with a low grade fever, etc.
But at night time. Ohhhhh, nighttime. He was waking up screaming and crying. Snakes were biting his eyes. Something was tearing him to pieces. Nightmares everywhere. Sometimes he woke up not feeling well, but it mostly seemed to be night terrors. Waking up multiple times a night just crying inconsolably for a while.
We have done this for 4 nights now with Malcom after not quite recovering with Vivi. Gradually it has gotten a little better, but it's slowly killing me. Seriously. They have never been good sleepers, so I'm used to getting woken up a couple times a night, but this is a whole new level.
Last night I gave both kids Benadryl before bed (don't judge me). An hour later Vivi got up and was crying. Internally, I was screaming "What the heck?! You aren't even sick! You're supposed to be the ok one!" But I let her crawl and snuggle on my lap while I read my book. She whimpered, twitched, and cried out a couple times. After about ten minutes of this, Malcom started crying in his bed.
"Oh dear God," I thought. "Please no. I can't do this anymore. And it's only 8pm."
Did I mention my husband was out of town? And when he is in town I rarely see him anyway? Moving on...
I carried Vivi to her bed and then sat down next Malcom crying (still kinda sleeping) in his bed. I tried to wake him up so he knew he was safe and that mommy was right there (he kept saying "I want Mommy!" with his eyes closed). He quieted down an I just sat on the edge of his bed, crying. Not daring to move in case he were to wake up.
I sat there and cried and thought, "I have nothing left to give these kids. I am empty."
And it was true. I had no compassion. No tenderness. Nothing left to give these kids except "Shhhh. You're fine," and my pleas to stay in bed and stay sleeping.
I had nothing left to give.
As I thought about this, I didn't feel upset at myself. I couldn't. I was empty. I couldn't even feel like I was a terrible mom. At that point, I was just a shell.
I had nothing left to give.
And then the thought occurred to me, "Lord, I have nothing left to give these kids. So I'm giving them to you. They will not feel love and tenderness from me right now when they call out, so I'm going to hand that over to you right now. I need you to fill them with your love because, right now, I've got nothing."
Then I got up and walked out of their room and stuffed my face with some amazing homemade hot chocolate that a friend dropped off for me because she knew I was having a tough few days.
I'd like to say they both stayed in their beds and slept through the night, but they didn't. Malcom woke up a couple hours later crying inconsolably for a few minutes while I held him and kept watching my shows. Eventually he snapped out of it and I let him watch my shows with me, eat a couple of my Starburst jelly beans, and then crawl into bed with me.
As Malcom lay in my bed, though, he also let me hold his hand. In that moment, I felt the love return. I felt a little bit of patience return.
So here's the point of all this: Moms, if you feel like you have nothing left to give, you're not alone. You're not a bad mom. You don't not love your children (how's that for a loaded double negative). As moms, our job description is to pour into everyone else. And sometimes when we don't get a chance to be poured into because of lack of sleep, lack of time, lack of a spouse/partner around, etc. we hit empty. It happens.
I am blessed with friends who have been very honest with me about the good and bad times of parenting. I appreciate it when other moms say "This sucks. Imma 'bout to lose my ish." Because it makes me feel like I'm not so weird. Like I'm not some horrible mom and everyone else is just better at dealing with the hard times.
And so I share this: sometimes I have nothing left to give. I literally don't even want to be around my kids.
And that's ok. Because, in sum, they know I love them. They know I'm here for them.
But sometimes mommy just needs to eat chocolate and watch her shows alone.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
A Mother and Daughter Made of Fire
"Stand by her when the people she loves begin to pull away: she is too intense for them, too sentient. Fire is contagious, catching, and nobody wants to go down burning."
I had a powerful experience with my daughter that I wanted to share in hopes that it would empower another mother to see within herself her divinity when she feels it the least. As an active LDS, I mean that differently than others may interpret: our divine DNA. The access to divine power we hold. Our divine potential.
I have a five year old daughter, Vivienne. Vivi, for short. She...she is a force to be reckoned with. Very early we recognized in her that she cannot be convinced to do anything she doesn't want to. It is a blessing that will serve her (and us) well in the future, but it sure makes her hard to parent. She is incredibly smart (dare I say gifted?); she is perceptive and asks deep questions.
"What is our Heavenly Mother's name?" she asked one day. I don't think they talk about Heavenly Mother in her Sunbeam class at church...
She is stubborn, yet sensitive. She is fierce, but defensive. She is empathetic, but can intentionally do harm. She is prone to angry outbursts, rarely is she demure. She is the sun and rarely moon. She is fire and rarely water. More on this later.
She is exhausting.
Vivi's daily emotional roller coaster is a lot for this mama to handle. Especially because I am her mother. As in: the qualities, behaviors, and attitudes that make her most difficult to parent she clearly gets from me. I see myself in her giant blue eyes. She can be manipulative (as any five year old can), so it is often hard to discern when to be patient and when to be...not. This is where our story begins.
Vivi had not been feeling well the past several days. Nothing major but a low-grade fever and very weird/scary nightmares that woke her up feeling ill. Several times a night she would get up whimpering (which annoys the crap out of me) and finally get into bed with me where she (we) would have a very restless sleep.
Last night, it started as it had the previous couple nights: whimpering of not feeling well and saying she'd had really scary dreams. But instead of getting frustrated (at this point I'm not sure if there's something really wrong or if she's trying to get attention), I took her hand and tucked her in her bed. I asked if we should say prayer and she said she wanted me to say it.
Suddenly, I felt the spirit strongly that she needed a blessing, but not from her father in the other room. She needed her mother to advocate for her, to invoke a blessing on her. I inwardly wondered if I should place my hands on her head, but that felt weird to think about, so I simply held her hand and touch my forehead to hers and began to utter my prayer.
It began as many prayers often do, but I felt compelled to continue on as she groaned in discomfort or fear of bad dreams. I prayed for the Spirit to be with her, to calm her mind. For angels to watch over, guard, and protect her. As I continued I felt...power. I wasn't just requesting hopefully...I felt it had power. I had power. It would be done.
As I prayed for the Savior to lay His hands upon my daughter that her body and mind may be calmed and healed (for all that the Savior lays his hands upon can be), she stopped groaning. She stopped whimpering. She lay perfectly still.
When I opened my eyes after "Amen," she was sound asleep. Her fingers still firmly gripping mine had to be gently pried away and yet she still slept. Her face was pretty and peaceful. The dark circles that had been under her eyes the last couple days seemed to disappear.
I dropped to my knees in the middle of my children's bedroom and thanked my God for that ability to communicate with Him, for what the ability to call upon His power to calm and heal my daughter enough to sleep, for the power of being a woman and mother who has been given the opportunity to find this divinity within and share it with her daughter, for a Savior who actively loves each of us every day.
I have said my fair share of prayers as a mother (of two VERY bad sleepers who are also very strong willed and high energy), but this wasn't a prayer of desperation...it felt like a powerful request of one having authority to ask for such a blessing as a mother charged with taking care of His children can and should have.
I shared this experience with my husband when I returned to our bedroom and then did what everyone else does in bed: flipped open Facebook on my smart phone. Just then my sister sent me this article: On Loving a Daughter Made of Fire. More than any parenting article, this described my Vivi. It described me. It described us. And the best way to be the mother of a "daughter made of fire."
"Introduce her to the women who braved the fire to build you: your grandmother lives in your tender hands, your mother in the grace of your smile, your sister in the gentle curve of your frame. We are all, in some small way, immortal. As she becomes you, she too will inherit parts of them. Show her they are watching over her when she sees herself for the first time in the mirror of your armour and realizes she was born a warrior baby.
"Remind her that anger is natural. When she comes to you, convulsing inside with the volcano she cannot contain, sift through the ashes with her to reveal generations of forgotten women who have never known escape. Let her see that the fire will not — no, cannot — scorch her. She was born of it, after all."
I have reflected recently on my grandmother and mother and the kind of women they are. I have reflected on the kind of woman I am. Yes, we are made of fire. It makes sense that my Vivi is also made of fire. Recalling my experience I'd felt just a few minutes before I read the article, I believe it is that fire that I felt within me and all around me as I held my daughter's hand and invoked the blessings of heaven to be upon her.
“We are not mere human beings,” tell her, “we are stars the sky tried to swallow whole; the stars whose shrieks of fury pierced the darkness like bullets: to this day, the sky bleeds light through phantom wounds like you and I.”
As an LDS, there could be many layers to this statement but at surface value, she truly is a "star whose shrieks of fury pierced the darkness..." This will describe her her whole life as it does me.
Her fire, her divine nature, her divine potential. My fire, my divine nature, my divine potential.
We are one.
We are powerful.
We are fire.
We will fight, we will burn. We will "help people with [our] flames," not destroy. Is that not the mission we have been given. Will not the earth be consumed in fire? Perhaps this is one kind of flame that will light up the earth.
Isaiah 64:2: "As when the melting fire burneth, the fire causeth the waters to boil, to make thy name known to thine adversaries, that the nations may tremble at thy presence!"
I had a powerful experience with my daughter that I wanted to share in hopes that it would empower another mother to see within herself her divinity when she feels it the least. As an active LDS, I mean that differently than others may interpret: our divine DNA. The access to divine power we hold. Our divine potential.
I have a five year old daughter, Vivienne. Vivi, for short. She...she is a force to be reckoned with. Very early we recognized in her that she cannot be convinced to do anything she doesn't want to. It is a blessing that will serve her (and us) well in the future, but it sure makes her hard to parent. She is incredibly smart (dare I say gifted?); she is perceptive and asks deep questions.
"What is our Heavenly Mother's name?" she asked one day. I don't think they talk about Heavenly Mother in her Sunbeam class at church...
She is stubborn, yet sensitive. She is fierce, but defensive. She is empathetic, but can intentionally do harm. She is prone to angry outbursts, rarely is she demure. She is the sun and rarely moon. She is fire and rarely water. More on this later.
She is exhausting.
Vivi's daily emotional roller coaster is a lot for this mama to handle. Especially because I am her mother. As in: the qualities, behaviors, and attitudes that make her most difficult to parent she clearly gets from me. I see myself in her giant blue eyes. She can be manipulative (as any five year old can), so it is often hard to discern when to be patient and when to be...not. This is where our story begins.
Vivi had not been feeling well the past several days. Nothing major but a low-grade fever and very weird/scary nightmares that woke her up feeling ill. Several times a night she would get up whimpering (which annoys the crap out of me) and finally get into bed with me where she (we) would have a very restless sleep.
Last night, it started as it had the previous couple nights: whimpering of not feeling well and saying she'd had really scary dreams. But instead of getting frustrated (at this point I'm not sure if there's something really wrong or if she's trying to get attention), I took her hand and tucked her in her bed. I asked if we should say prayer and she said she wanted me to say it.
Suddenly, I felt the spirit strongly that she needed a blessing, but not from her father in the other room. She needed her mother to advocate for her, to invoke a blessing on her. I inwardly wondered if I should place my hands on her head, but that felt weird to think about, so I simply held her hand and touch my forehead to hers and began to utter my prayer.
It began as many prayers often do, but I felt compelled to continue on as she groaned in discomfort or fear of bad dreams. I prayed for the Spirit to be with her, to calm her mind. For angels to watch over, guard, and protect her. As I continued I felt...power. I wasn't just requesting hopefully...I felt it had power. I had power. It would be done.
As I prayed for the Savior to lay His hands upon my daughter that her body and mind may be calmed and healed (for all that the Savior lays his hands upon can be), she stopped groaning. She stopped whimpering. She lay perfectly still.
When I opened my eyes after "Amen," she was sound asleep. Her fingers still firmly gripping mine had to be gently pried away and yet she still slept. Her face was pretty and peaceful. The dark circles that had been under her eyes the last couple days seemed to disappear.
I dropped to my knees in the middle of my children's bedroom and thanked my God for that ability to communicate with Him, for what the ability to call upon His power to calm and heal my daughter enough to sleep, for the power of being a woman and mother who has been given the opportunity to find this divinity within and share it with her daughter, for a Savior who actively loves each of us every day.
I have said my fair share of prayers as a mother (of two VERY bad sleepers who are also very strong willed and high energy), but this wasn't a prayer of desperation...it felt like a powerful request of one having authority to ask for such a blessing as a mother charged with taking care of His children can and should have.
I shared this experience with my husband when I returned to our bedroom and then did what everyone else does in bed: flipped open Facebook on my smart phone. Just then my sister sent me this article: On Loving a Daughter Made of Fire. More than any parenting article, this described my Vivi. It described me. It described us. And the best way to be the mother of a "daughter made of fire."
"Introduce her to the women who braved the fire to build you: your grandmother lives in your tender hands, your mother in the grace of your smile, your sister in the gentle curve of your frame. We are all, in some small way, immortal. As she becomes you, she too will inherit parts of them. Show her they are watching over her when she sees herself for the first time in the mirror of your armour and realizes she was born a warrior baby.
"Remind her that anger is natural. When she comes to you, convulsing inside with the volcano she cannot contain, sift through the ashes with her to reveal generations of forgotten women who have never known escape. Let her see that the fire will not — no, cannot — scorch her. She was born of it, after all."
I have reflected recently on my grandmother and mother and the kind of women they are. I have reflected on the kind of woman I am. Yes, we are made of fire. It makes sense that my Vivi is also made of fire. Recalling my experience I'd felt just a few minutes before I read the article, I believe it is that fire that I felt within me and all around me as I held my daughter's hand and invoked the blessings of heaven to be upon her.
“We are not mere human beings,” tell her, “we are stars the sky tried to swallow whole; the stars whose shrieks of fury pierced the darkness like bullets: to this day, the sky bleeds light through phantom wounds like you and I.”
As an LDS, there could be many layers to this statement but at surface value, she truly is a "star whose shrieks of fury pierced the darkness..." This will describe her her whole life as it does me.
Her fire, her divine nature, her divine potential. My fire, my divine nature, my divine potential.
We are one.
We are powerful.
We are fire.
We will fight, we will burn. We will "help people with [our] flames," not destroy. Is that not the mission we have been given. Will not the earth be consumed in fire? Perhaps this is one kind of flame that will light up the earth.
Isaiah 64:2: "As when the melting fire burneth, the fire causeth the waters to boil, to make thy name known to thine adversaries, that the nations may tremble at thy presence!"
- This was the first time I FELT that I do not need someone to grant me priesthood power; I have power within me. The power and fire of divine womanhood, eternal motherhood. A divine right by nature of who my Father is and the covenants I have made with Him.
WE are daughters made of fire.
Every woman, whether she is LDS Christian, or not, has that fire. That power. That divinity. Perhaps in the women/girls in my family that "volcanic" fire is more evident, but the fire of the divine, the flame to light the way, the power to call upon the unseen is within us all.
Every woman, whether she is LDS Christian, or not, has that fire. That power. That divinity. Perhaps in the women/girls in my family that "volcanic" fire is more evident, but the fire of the divine, the flame to light the way, the power to call upon the unseen is within us all.
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